The Sunday Mail
DEAR Amai
I hope you are good. I am a married woman and mother of two beautiful kids. I love my husband of 10 years but the last three months have been full of suspicion and mistrust.
My husband has been coming home late, smelling of beer and yet he never used to drink. He also has dropped his usual friends.
All these actions are making me very sad. Each time he comes home late, he will not be wearing his wedding ring.
I have tried to talk to him about what is going on but he does not respond. Last week he said he could not find his wedding ring and I just wondered how that could be.
I decided to remove my ring and told him that I would only wear it when he finds his. I was shocked when he took offence and ordered me to wear my ring. He blew his top off and we are not talking. Amai, the tension between us is just too much. I cannot take it. What do I do?
Response
Hello writer and thanks for writing in. I am very sorry about the shift in behaviour your husband is exhibiting. Where there is smoke, there is fire. It is shameful that he is now removing his wedding ring when he goes out. It was equally bad that you removed yours.
The rings are a symbol of unending love and nothing to play with.
They must be worn at all times unless there is a very logical reason to remove them. I advise that you go for relationship counselling so he can air out his grievances. I think if he opens up you can make good progress.
You also need to analyse the root cause of his drinking behaviour, why it started and how it is affecting your family. Continue to use dialogue and to try to make sense of what is going on. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Wife keeping me out of her financials
I am a self-employed man married to a woman who works for an NGO. She has a good post. We are blessed with two sons who are both in primary school. My wife told me that her three brothers had put resources together to upgrade their rural home and they asked her to supervise the project.
I asked why her brothers did not pick one of their spouses to take up that role since they are the owners of the home. I know her office is very busy she does local and fieldwork, why would she stretch herself thin?
I let her run the project even though her brothers never asked for my permission. The project is beautiful but very demanding, now she goes there every other weekend.
She took myself and the kids twice to see the project, but I never heard what my brothers-in-law thought about it.
Last month, her youngest brother came over to our house. We went together to my friend’s house briefly although my wife had said no to this. We drank whisky and tsano has never taken such a strong drink in his life.
He got drunk and spilled the beans. He told my friend and me that it was my wife who was actually building the house for herself and many other things I cannot write in a national paper. I am heartbroken what do I do? I have not asked her yet.
Response
Hello writer and thanks for writing in. I am sorry that your wife is keeping things from you. In matrimony earnings are supposed to be shared. You should also make binding decisions together.
Things have a funny way of coming out. Tsano does not know that his moment of madness answered many questions you had. I think you need to have a candid talk with your wife and ask her why she is hiding things from you.
Where has the trust gone? All financial resources must be openly discussed and allocated accordingly for the good of the family. Explain how this has hurt you and how you want to see a change.
As for the other things tsano told you about, are they related to her spending finances behind your back, infidelity etc?
It is hard to assume because you did not give me the full picture. I think you just need to include them in this discussion head-on.
You can rope in tete for a mediation role. As for tsano, he has said enough. Keep him away from these talks until all is resolved. It is unfortunate that money changes and corrupts people.
Your wife has evidently strayed far from you because of it. It is my hope that she can be reprimanded and taught the importance of working as a team in marriage again.
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Trouble in paradise
Amai how are you? Until a fortnight ago, I thought I was the happiest wife ever. We shared secrets, phones and many other things.
I tried to call my husband on his phone but I could not get through and decided to try his work landline. The receptionist at the other end mistook my voice for someone else’s.
She tried his office and said he was expecting my call but that was not it. In the end, she gave me his cell number that I did not know of.
I hid my ID and called him. He unknowingly answered, apologised, and said he wanted to confess something.
He has not said anything and the waiting is killing me. I am wondering what the secret phone was for. Amai what do you make of this?
Response
Hello writer. I am sorry you went through such a bad ordeal. There is not much to discuss here. You have the smoking gun.
The receptionist made a blunder that resulted in you finding out about his mysterious contact.
Initiate the conversation.
It is time to find out more about this person that has direct access to your husband and that is even known by the receptionist.
Modern society’s moral decay is at an all-time peak because of such behaviour. The two of you were happy together, why did he then think it was a good idea to double dip?
An apology means nothing without an explanation. Afterwards you can chart a way forward regarding what you want to do. Feel free to give yourself time to think of your next move. Your whole world was shattered in a matter on moments.
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