The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a full-time housewife. I am aged 39 and my husband is 42. We also have three children. My in-laws have a very beautiful homestead at their rural home and they do many good projects.
I have always respected them for their self-sufficiency. Towards the end of 2021, my husband suggested that we go and have Christmas with his parents and also help them out with their projects since it was a busy season for them.
I complied and when it was time to go back to the city, he went with the kids only because they were going back to school. He further extended my stay for another week.
He promised to come and pick me up the following weekend. But, instead of picking me up after the agreed time lapsed, he brought almost my entire wardrobe.
I was surprised when he said I had no business in town and should stay at home. My heart bleeds because I was never consulted. Why was I ambushed like this? My children are living as orphans and yet I am alive. I was dumped here. I spoke to his parents and they say they never asked for this current arrangement.
They insist I should resolve this matter with my husband. I am still stuck at the rural home as I write. Amai, what is the best way forward?
Response
Hello writer and thanks for writing in. Something is amiss here. You may have been in the dark but I think your husband had given this a lot of thought. Your in-laws may have been involved too. I do not buy their innocence in all of this.
The fact of the matter is that he had no right to uproot you without your consent. If his parents needed more assistance at their rural home, other arrangements could have been made.
Express your concerns about the welfare of your children and how your life is there. Pack your belongings and go back home, once there ask your husband what has really brought on this sudden change of heart?
Is he disinterested in the marriage or is there another cause? Rope in your tete throughout this entire process. Be prepared for anything as I sense there may be many underlying issues that will require to be addressed. I wish you all the best.
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Did I cost my son his marriage?
I am a retired teacher and so is my husband. We have four adult children, two male and two female, who are all married.
Our last-born is a father of two and his marriage is on the rocks because of his lack of self-respect. He spends most of his free time drinking with friends while neglecting his family.
Last week, he slept out and then lied to his wife that he had spent the night at our place since we live in the same town. His wife was very upset and phoned to ask why we would let him do such a thing without letting her know. I told her the truth that the story was a lie because we never saw him. My son is very cross with me. He says I betrayed and exposed him.
I do not know what I was expected to do because some family members are condemning me, saying I should not have told the truth. This issue has divided our family. How do we settle this? His wife has since walked out on him and gone with the kids and maid.
Response
You did not betray your son. You stood up for what was right and you told the truth. Do not be put into a corner. You are the parent. Get baba on board with you.
Hold a meeting and tell your son that his selfish ways have cost him his family. If reconciliation is on the cards, then now is the time to try to adjust his behaviour. Get to the bottom of why he does not spend time with his family. As for the excessive consumption of alcohol, is it an addiction?
You need to stage an intervention as soon as possible to determine the best course of action to assist him. I am very disappointed in the family for not putting up a united front and calling a spade a spade. If they were in your muroora’s shoes, they may think otherwise. It is a long and hard road to try to get a grown man to change his character, but, with time, it can be done. Your son needs to also want this for himself. It is a pity he is only coming to his senses now that the family has moved out. Please keep me updated on the progress you make.
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Parents treating me like a minor
I am a single, young woman aged 24. I am degreed and gainfully employed. I am the eldest in a family of three and the only girl. Both my parents are still working but they want to know how I spend my money and also my savings. I do not know what their problem is. I help with groceries and paying other bills.
I asked for permission to go and stay alone in an apartment and manage my own life but they refused. To tell the truth, I am tired of their unending demands.
I work for an NGO and at times we go out into the field to oversee our projects. I am always embarrassed because my mother double checks with the office to see if the trip is work-related. I have never lied to them, so I just wonder where all the mistrust comes from. I do not want to be treated like a minor. Please help. How do I win this war?
Response
Some parents have a difficult time letting the training wheels come off. I am glad that you are assisting them as best as you can. You need to stand your ground and tell them to not inquire too much into your finances. Is there a trusted relative, family friend or church figure you can rope in to help argue your case? I think a little space will do both you and your parents well. You will be able to manage your own life while also mitigating the overprotectiveness of your parents. Calling in to work to verify your work projects and whereabouts is unprofessional and does harm to your professional image. Your mother is actually working against your career in that regard. Please make efforts towards airing out all these concerns so you can move out. If their greatest fear is that you will not continue to help at home, you can reassure them. I wish you all the best.
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