The Sunday Mail
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married woman and I have a toddler. I am degreed and gainfully employed, and so is my spouse. We have been married for two years.
Finances are our major sticking point. We have a combined budget, but I still think I am being short-changed. We sat down and decided what each one of us should take care of financially. I chose to be responsible for food since the kitchen needs proper planning every day.
He then decided to pay rent and other family bills. I decided I would buy the main groceries once a month, then perishables frequently as the month progresses.
My husband is the eldest child in their family, so we always have visitors from his side. His parents’ doctor is in Harare and they come every now and then for check-ups. In most cases, they overstay their welcome; they are basically part-time residents.
When they visit us, they invite family members and friends to come and see them, and food is served even at odd times. It is draining me and I no longer want to be the one buying food. My hubby’s bills rarely fluctuate. This is affecting me badly and I just do not know how to put it across.
Response
Dear writer, thank you for writing in. I am very well, thanks. My heart bleeds when I get such letters and complaints from young couples, who are supposed to be still in the romantic phase of their relationships. In marriage, you are one and so are your finances. How can you be short-changed when you are part of the equation? You talked about visitors from his side, what about from yours? Do they ever visit? From your communication, I see that doing groceries is something you chose and you did that for a good reason.
When you started dating your husband, you knew he was the eldest in his family and this normally comes with responsibilities. I think you should work together as a team to make sure they are assisted. They are here today and gone tomorrow. Do your best as long as it comes from the heart; it will go a long way. For other visitors, you are not forced to provide, if you cannot.
Culturally, people who visit the sick are the ones who are supposed to bring provisions for those who are ill, not the other way round. Finally, yet importantly, you can suggest alternating your month-end duties with your spouse. The outcome may surprise you. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Neighbour getting on my nerves
Thank you so much for your Sunday Mail column. I follow it religiously and I have learnt a lot from it. I am a 36-year-old married mother of two — a boy and a girl. We get along very well with our neighbours because we are age-mates. During holidays and weekends, we go out together. My son and my neighbour’s kid go to the same day-care centre.
My neighbour has no maid as we speak; the one she had walked out on her. She asked if it was OK for the boys to be dropped at my gate and stay at my house so they would pick him up at the end of the day. She said this arrangement would last for just a fortnight, but it has been in effect for two months. I am now worried because my maid complains, saying the two boys are a handful considering that I also have a small baby who requires attention. I asked why it was taking her so long to get a replacement and she said she is failing to get a suitable candidate. Amai, I am getting agitated and this is a big trigger. How do I solve this problem without exploding?
Response
Thank you for reaching out to me with your problem. Let me congratulate you for being good friends and good neighbours; it is very commendable. Also, thank you for being patient. Your friend is, unfortunately, miscalculating that. As it stands, you run the risk of losing your maid, who seems to be of sound mind.
She has told you that she is struggling to cope and now it is up to you to react. I suggest you grab the bull by its horns and have a candid talk with your friend. Tell her the truth. Give her a time frame to get her house in order.
Let her know that if she does not make adequate arrangements within the time you have given her, you will not be in a position to let your house cleaner babysit her son after school. She can try to inquire with registered agencies and be afforded time to interview several candidates, with the aim of, ultimately, selecting the best helper. Assure her that this is not personal, but something that has to be done for the sake of both of you. I wish you all the best. Let me know how it goes.
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Parents are worried about me
I am a 40-year-old single person. I am degreed and am a head of department at the company I work for. I drive top-of-the-range cars and I am very comfortable. I help family and friends when the need arises. I am an extra smart guy. As a result, this has grossly affected my relationships.
I have dated several women, but none of them matched my smartness. I want my house spick and span round the clock. Even the garden has to be well-tended, too.
My sister tried to match me with a suitable candidate, but failed horribly. I want my things done in a certain way, and I will not compromise. My parents are worried and outraged with me.
They think I was either bewitched or there is something that was done in our family circles that is causing this.
They are suggesting we go to a spirit medium, who can break this curse. I do not want to go to those dirty places, and I do not even believe in that. How can they associate smartness with all that? How can I tell my parents to relax and just leave me alone?
Response
I went through your communication with keen interest about how smart you are and, additionally, want your surroundings to be. It is good if you can maintain it. I personally think your concern about cleanliness has come to the level of an obsession. Life is about compromises. It may not be easy to find someone who is as smart as you.
You cannot custom-build your own lover with exactly everything you want. I do not think you were cursed or anything along those lines. I think you are just too hard on yourself. Your parents should not worry about you.
It is not as if you have been unlucky in love. This is by choice and they should respect that. You are a major; they cannot drag you to a spirit medium if you do not believe in it. Please, speak to your parents with all due respect and help them understand that worrying may be detrimental to their health. If you wait for God’s time, everything will fall into place. I wish you all the best.
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