The Sunday Mail
As I write this letter to you I am on the verge of tears. My husband of 10 years disappointed me, my heart is broken. I really do not know what to do.
My sixth sense is telling me to quit this marriage, but it is still hard because I have invested so much into it. We are both gainfully employed and have two lovely boys, aged eight and six years respectively. The 10 years that we have been together were a blessing to our family.
He is naturally a very caring father and husband. This year on the 24th of December he called me to tell me that he had decided to drive to Rusape to go and give his parents groceries for Christmas and some money. I agreed to this because he was going to come back on the same day and the idea was very noble.
He did not need extra clothes or anything. To my surprise, he then called to say he was staying home for Christmas and that he would come back on the 26th. I thought this was weird and persuaded him to come back to celebrate Christmas with us. He refused, we managed to chat every day we were apart. He came back on the 26th and lied that he was still at home. I phoned his mum to check how Christmas was going. I mentioned that my husband represented us and his mother said “havana kumbouya kuno hindava achinyepa”. We had a big quarrel, but still he is not telling me where he was. My investigations prove that he was booked with a woman in one of the lodges in Harare. Someone very close to us saw him there and he said he had come to drop a parcel. We are not talking, I just want the truth or I move out. Please help I have had conflicting bits of advice from family and friends.
Response
You sound down and out, it is heartbreaking to be let down by the person you trust so much. I know that as of now, you may be overwhelmed but I want to know if you saw any red flags or any changes in his behaviour before this incident. Christmas is a very special time, many people plan for this holiday in advance. Most hotels, lodges and many other places of interest will be full. In my view, this was a well-calculated move. Lying that he had gone to his rural home was stupid because you were going to find out sooner or later. You say you want to quit this marriage, but all the information you have is based on what other people told you. Amai is the only person who said the truth. I suggest you talk to his parents in his presence because already Amai shows that she is not interested in his lies. Ask him to give the true account of where he was during the holidays. What was so special that he would leave his kids and wife during such time? It’s good to have a candid talk with him without showing any emotion. Moving out is easier said than done. Get all your facts right and weigh your options before you act out of anger. I do not support what he did at all, do not get me wrong, but do not ever do something that you will regret later. From your letter, he has proven to be a liar, a character trait you never picked on within the decade. If you do not want to engage his parents, the other option is to engage a professional counsellor. I would be happy to hear from you again. I wish you all the best.
First born acted shamefully
I am a retired nurse and my husband is a retired teacher. We have been blessed so much in our lives. We are now based at our rural home in the Shamva Bushu area. All our children are grown up and married.
We have two sons and two daughters. We are enjoying working on our plot and doing several projects that give us income to boost our small pensions. Our first born son told us that he would be coming home for Christmas with his family and he would bring his friend and wife, together with their two kids.
I was open with him that this was okay based on the condition that the extra couple was going to buy groceries and the other goodies they needed. I was surprised when they arrived, the only thing they brought was booze (doro chairo). The ladies did not even bring sweets for their kids. We had a good stock because the other three siblings had bought us food and drinks to last until January. After Christmas, they went back after clearing our fridges and pantry. Kuita here ikoko nhai?
I have talked to Baba and we are in agreement that he should replace the foodstuffs. How can he invite a whole family and not bring anything? If truth be told they did not come to see us, they came for the food. He is the eldest but he is a good for nothing, rombe chairo Amai. Would it be bad if we ask him to pay back for the inconvenience? Baba has agreed because he is equally upset, but I just felt it would be good to hear your opinion as well.
Response
Thank you for your letter. Compliments of the season. First and foremost, let me say well done for keeping yourself busy. It is good to be up and about when you are retired. It is okay to look to your children for help, but the best is to do things for yourselves when you can. Remember they have their own families and homes to take care of. I know we have adages like chirere chigokurerawo, unfortunately this does not go for everyone.
When your son told you that he was coming with his friend and his family, you told him point blank that there was a condition that he must buy provisions for his visitors. When you invite people, the normal thing to do is fend for them wholeheartedly.
Life is tough for everyone at the moment so meeting half way will lessen the burden. I agree your son inconvenienced you big time. But asking him to pay back is not a good sign of family spirit.
You are in agreement with Baba most likely because of anger and his record of being an irresponsible son. Think of your grandchildren who were among this group. Do you honestly want them to pay? Since you say irombe, we cannot blame his friends completely because we do not know what he said to them when he extended the invitation. You feel like it was unfair because three of your children contributed to the food, but still the rombe remains your first born son. I know you are upset, but always remember kubara handi kupa moyo. I urge you to sit down with him and his wife and tell him how you felt about the whole thing. You are his parents, do not give up on him even though he should learn to be responsible. If he can get money to buy beer, then he can also buy food. Pray for your family, God will give you your heart’s desires.
Failed to show up for own lobola ceremony
I am a 29-year-old guy and I have been dating my girl for the past five years. We get on so well, but the truth Amai is that I dread to commit. All my married friends tell me they regret getting married because they are not happy. They say it is not as rosy as it looks. I was supposed to have paid my lobola on the 24th of December and I am ashamed to say people had come from different places, but I withdrew at the 11th hour, I just could not do it. I had bought the groceries, gone to see tete and my munyai was ready with his delegation. My would-be father-in-law has vowed never to have anything to do with me even if I change my mind. My fiancé is devastated, she has not spoken to me ever since and she has blocked me on all social media platforms. My own parents are up in arms with me. Amai please help me, I am just not ready and, frankly speaking, I do not think marriage is for me. If it is a good thing, why are most people divorcing and why are many unhappy? I do not want anyone to control my life, I just want to be a free spirit.
Response
Your letter made me teary, I felt very sorry for everyone involved in this saga. It seems you know what you want, you say marriage is not for you, but then why concern yourself with it?
You date someone for five solid years, but you do not want the same things out of life? What a waste of time! It is grossly unfair, time is money, once gone you can never recover it again.
It is unfortunate most people do not start with pre-marital counselling. It helps you to know the true meaning of marriage and its expectations. It was mean to go all the way and then withdraw at the 11th hour. You owe these people a big apology and your girlfriend should go through professional counselling.
You have let her down and embarrassed her in front of family and friends. I understand why her father is so bitter. As for you, I think you need to go back to the drawing board and re-discover yourself. If you do not want commitment, then look for a girl who is in the same bracket with you. One thing that you should know is you are your own man and you decide your own fate. The fact that other people are not happy or divorcing has nothing to do with you. You have never experienced married life so do not make conclusions by using the few case studies you hear from your friends. In conclusion, please leave this girl alone and let her move on. Do not continue to waste her time. You should see a counsellor and pour out your heart. You need help as well. Although the 24th December was very unfortunate, you did not force yourself into an unhappy marriage. I would be happy to hear from you after your counselling sessions.
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