Getting into a nasty habit of borrowing

Getting into a nasty habit of borrowing

HELLO Amai, I hope you are well. Coincidentally, I stay close to one of my childhood friends. We get on so well, our spouses and children have embraced our friendship as a blood relation. Twice this year, I borrowed some money from my friend and he gave me willingly. The amounts were quite large the first was $700(RTGS) and the second was $1 000.

I tried to give him back the money, but he wouldn’t take the money. He said he had just assisted. He also did the same for the second loan. Amai, I don’t want to look as if I am taking advantage of my friend’s generosity I just don’t know what to do. This festive season I am pressed and in need of money.

The only person I am free to borrow from is this friend of mine. Do you think it is OK if I borrow money from him for the third time this year? Would you know why he refuses to let me pay back? I am very desperate.

He is the only genuine friend I have. I decided to write to you because I know you will tell me the truth as it is.

Response

First and foremost, let me congratulate you for keeping your childhood friendship intact it is very rare these days. I am glad you have already passed this on to your children’s generation. You asked for my true opinion.

I will gladly give it to you. From what you stated it seems your bond with your friend is very tight.

This guy is like family, just this year you have borrowed twice from him and he has refused to be compensated. Those actions alone are full of meaning. What goes on in your mind when he says no? You should be able to read between the lines. I urge you to try someone else this time. Please don’t push him into a tight corner. If you continue doing this, I see him avoiding you and this may bring a premature end to this great friendship.

Inasmuch as we know that things are hard don’t make it a habit to ask for money from family and friends. This will make you very unpopular. Once in a while you may do it, but please be careful. Try and live within your means, also try and come up with revenue generating projects. I would be happy to hear from you again. I wish you all the best.

Out of sight, out of mind

I am a big fan of yours and I am 36 years old. I’m married with one child, a son. I work outside the country. My wife is here in Zimbabwe and she is gainfully employed, she stays in an apartment with our son. We have been married for 10 years, but I only spent time with her for more than a fortnight after our wedding.

It’s not easy for me to frequently come home. She tried to come and join me, but the plans hit a brick wall. We do videos, pictures and chats, etc, but it’s not helping. When I came home, we were both cold and distant towards each other.

Several times my son forgot to call me dad instead he called me “Uncle Tim”. I don’t know anyone by that name, so this did not go down well with me. My wife had all sorts of excuses for that. I have lost all feelings towards my wife. Now she is just like any other woman.

I am now attracted to a woman who I work with abroad. She also has a husband who is there in Zimbabwe. I play my duty as a father to make sure that I pay rentals and send money for her upkeep. Our two families still believe in us and our marriage, but I personally feel the strain. I don’t know what to do Amai, but these are the facts on the ground. I have no intention of coming back home anytime soon.

Response

Hello big fan. My sixth sense tells me you came short of saying you are exploring your legal options to end things. Love, as I always say, is about respect and commitment. Your marriage has lost its salt. Long distance relationships are sometimes as good as a mirage.

There is really nothing tangible in these unions. Yes, you are playing your role as a father by providing for your family, but that does not make a marriage. Cheating on your spouse is one of the worst things you can ever do.

I normally ask people to try and work their differences out but am not going to do so with you. You confessed that you no longer have any feelings for your wife. It is just unfortunate that more than 80 percent of long distance relationships do not “go the distance”.

 It is not a good thing to date someone’s wife. It is very risky and you may end up in some trouble. It seems both you and your wife are no longer interested in this marriage.

Why don’t you talk about it and see what is best for the child? In 10 years, you have not been together for longer than two weeks at a time and that is very sad. You need to both let go and map a way forward. Pray about this to end amicably.

Partner is ashamed of me

I am a 32-year-old guy employed as a gardener and I am also multi-talented. I am a motor mechanic, welder and I do vending on the side.

I have some small savings. I love my work so when I am on leave I work part- time at several spots doing gardening. I come from a poor background, my parents were farm labourers so I only went as far as Form Two because they could not afford the fees. They now live at our rural home in Mutoko. I help them when I can. I have one sister; she is now married.

I wanted to give you my general background for appreciation. I fell in love with a beautiful lady who is 25. She is a teacher by profession.

I have poured money into this girl’s life. I even bought her a bedroom suite and many other things. We promised to marry each other early 2020, but now she is moving the goalposts.

I am not happy about it. It also seems like she does not want to be seen in public with me.

I don’t understand why because I am a very presentable guy, please check the picture I attached to this letter. Ndinoshoreka here Amai? Now this girl says she wants to pursue a degree before I marry her and yet she wants me to be her spouse. Amai, do you see any light in this? I love this girl. I would even die for her. Please help.

Response

Your story made me teary. I am happy because you are such a great person, multi-talented, hardworking and loving. You went as far as Form Two; that is something. Two forms shy from a national certificate. For your information, learning does not end, you can pick it up from there. What you are doing for your parents is very noble, keep it up.

I saw your picture, yes haushoreke, but we focus more on the inner being. Physical appearances do not last forever. They say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder which means preferences vary from individual to individual.

As for the love of your life, I don’t think you are taking time to look at the red flags. Why does she not want to be seen with you in public? Why is she changing the proposed dates for your marriage?

Pursuing a degree is a good thing, but using it as an excuse is wrong. Why not continue to plan together as you have been doing all along?

It is good to spoil your fiancée with gifts and whatever, but please don’t overdo it before you commit to marriage. You do not want to regret this later in life if things do not work out well.

If your girl is a teacher, I am sure she can sponsor herself. Mind you, she is not yet your wife she can decide otherwise. It is very good to be in love, but there is no one worth dying for, so never entertain such foolish thoughts.

I urge you to engage a counsellor who can speak to both of you about love and life. I would be happy to hear from you again. I wish you all the best.