Fiancée hid her past from me

Mudzimba

Dr Rebecca Chisamba

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 27-year-old guy and I have been dating a woman for the past 18 months. I feel I am now ready for marriage.

We have gone for introductions and met the aunts from both sides, as culture dictates. My family wants me to pay lobola in September this year.

I love my fiancée dearly but her best friend told me something very disturbing last week; it broke my heart.

She told me that my fiancée once eloped to her ex-boyfriend’s house after they had come late from a movie and her parents sent her away.

She stayed with him for a month and the guy even paid tsvakirai kuno as a token. It seems they failed to find common ground, and she was sent back to her family.

Why has she not told me about this?

Nobody, not even her aunt, said a word about this when we went for introductions. This is killing me, Amai, to say the least.

The friend has promised to reveal more as long as I do not expose her as my source.

I have not been able to share this with anyone else apart from you.

I am so confused I do not know whether to continue or end the relationship. Please help me.

Response

I am very well and thanks for reaching out to me. From what you have told me, I figured out that the woman you are referring to as your girlfriend’s best friend is actually a snake in the grass.

Your fiancée was forced to elope to her former boyfriend’s house against her wish.

Tsvakirai kuno is not lobola; it simply means the man is acknowledging that he is staying with his partner, whom he will have usually impregnated and would want to pay lobola down the line. This was a very unfortunate incident.

This so-called friend is dangerous. Why is she putting her friend under the bus? If she was a true best friend, she would have advised her friend to come clean on such issues, instead of backstabbing her.

I am glad you have not shared this information with anyone apart from me.

Now that you are in the loop, I suggest you talk to your fiancée about it without revealing your source. Caution her to be honest because this is a make-or-break scenario. I know it hurts, but please remember that everyone has a past.

You said you love this girl dearly, so you need to make a decision to either go forward or call it quits. I would be happy to hear from you again.

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Church group has fallen astray

I am a 22-year-old guy and a member of the youth group at our church. Most of the people in this group are misbehaving as if the church has no morals.

The type of behaviour that I am talking about is rampant when we go for retreats and on other church-related trips.

People drink beer and engage in sex parties; they hardly do what they will have gone to do.

My parents are the old school type and devoted to the church, so there is no way I can ever talk to them about such things. I wanted to withdraw from this group but they would wonder why.

Amai, I do not know what to do. I just want to leave. Please help me.

Response

Hello writer. The problem you have raised is very worrisome. If it goes unchecked, many families will be affected. You have talked about the consumption of beer.

There could also be the issue of drugs. You did not talk about the advisers who are meant to mentor such groups. Where are they? Be brave. Go and see the priest or pastor in charge, and explain in secrecy what is going on. This will definitely set the wheels in motion. Lastly, I would like to commend you for being the bigger person. I wish you all the best.

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Girlfriend squandered my money

I am a businessman aged 26. I did a project that resulted in a financial windfall for me. Friends and family call me the “Big Boss” or “Mr Money”. I only managed to obtain four Ordinary Level passes, but life is good for me.

I was madly in love with a woman who studied for a Master’s degree at a local university for one-and-a-half years. This woman was very demanding but I never complained.

I made sure I gave her whatever she asked for. I even bought her a small car because I did not want her to use public transport. She went to visit her sister in Australia, and I did a lot before she left. Last week, she called me, telling me it was over and she was not coming back anytime soon. Amai, how do I recover my money and the many gifts I bought for her? I am very angry.

Response

I know how you feel. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do. You are crying over spilt milk. When you gift someone money or any item, you cannot expect to have it back.

You say she demanded those gifts from you but it was still your choice to give in. You cannot buy love. Let this experience work as a learning curve. She has moved on and for her, it is out of sight, out of mind. I suggest you do likewise. Take your time to settle down and then map the way forward. I wish you all the best.

Feedback: beckychisamba@ gmail.com; 0771415474.