The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dumped by HIV positive man
I have a really complex story. I am 22 and my ex-boyfriend was 39. I worked as a maid but I never really enjoyed it. After two days of dating this man ndakamutizira. Not because I was pregnant but because I was tired of being a maid. He promised he would pay me for working in his home while we were together. I never quite enjoyed my time there because two of his vazukurus came there. These guys are lazy and dirty and often finish up all the food. I never liked being with him either. He was too old and resembled a father figure. I later found out that he was on ARVs and he dumped me. He stated he intends to get back with his wife. I got tested and thankfully the result was negative. My real worry now is where will I go and what will I say? He is telling me to go back to my tete and that he will compensate me for the duration I worked for him. Please assist.
I felt very sorry about your situation but the truth is there are no short cuts in life. Yes, you were tired of being a housemaid but surely there were better options than eloping after dating a man for two days. You rushed everything, you did not even give him time to get to know you. What you did is very risky because this guy was a total stranger to you, worse things could have happened. The reason for dating is to at least know the person you are considering committing yourself to. You did not love this guy at all and in your eyes you saw him as a dhara so the whole purpose for moving in with him was a selfish one. All you wanted was accommodation and food on your table. Thank heavens you were not infected when you lived as man and wife.
Responsible couples start by going for HIV testing to know their status. This man is and was never your husband because he never committed, muri kubika mapoto. I personally think there was nothing wrong with him taking in his relatives who were in genuine need of assistance. You are right the two guys were supposed to help out with house chores and at least clean up after themselves. You should have just guided them instead of making an issue out of it. This guy has openly told you that he wants to get back with his wife and told you to move out, please comply, he means well. Go and look for work and alternative accommodation. It is good you now know your status, guard it jealously. You have what it takes girl, you can do it. Try and stand on your own two feet. Do not let anyone treat you as a lesser being. I would be happy to hear from you again.
I do not trust my girlfriend
My girlfriend gave birth to a premature baby who died after three days. This happened while I was away because of work. When I got back she just showed me the paperwork from the hospital confirming her story. The problem is that I met her friends in town recently and they were surprised to see me. They also told me they miss me and they wondered how their friend dumped me for this guy called Anthony.
Apparently Anthony’s family is the one which paid the hospital bills but she told me it was her family that covered the costs. I also learnt that she told Anthony’s family that the pregnancy was his. The family was in doubt about it. When I asked her about all this she denied it and told me that it was her enemies trying to separate us. I love her but I do not trust her. I want to move on but she stalks me and tells me she loves me and I have to remember the promises I made when I got her pregnant, I was her first lover. I am confused, she refused to stop going to my sister’s house to see my son from another relationship. She even buys him gifts. My son loves her too but now I feel like committing suicide. I do not want to hurt my son but I also do not want her near him. I am 33 and she is 19. My son is only four years old. I do not trust this girl at all.
I was shocked to say the least. How on earth can a child have two fathers? It seems this girl is double crossing you and she is very heartless. How can she let the two families grieve for the same child when she is not sure of its paternity? Death is very heartbreaking and should not be taken lightly. Whatever the case may be, I am deeply sorry about the passing on of this innocent child. For your information, love is about trust, respect and genuine commitment. If you do not trust this woman, please set her free and let her go, time is money. Marriage is a lifetime commitment that you must get into with a clear mind. Trust plays a pivotal role in such a union. It is unfortunate that I only respond to the writer. I would have wanted this woman to go through counseling because she desperately needs it.
She has lost a child and she does not know who the father is. It is a very sad scenario. You are right when you protect your four-year-old son from this kind of life. I also urge you to talk to your sister, that you have nothing to do with this lady anymore. Befriending your sister may continue to give her false hope that you are still interested in her. In life people are supposed to keep their promises but in this case even the girl broke it by double crossing you. It is sad that the other family had to pay for the hospital costs against their will. It is a very sensitive issue, that is why I think you too should engage the services of a professional counselor. Couples are encouraged to be intimate only when they are married. By so doing they avoid such issues. I would be happy to hear from you again. It shall be well.
Hubby playing games with me
I am a 22-year-old woman and I am also a mother. Ever since I was born, I have never been kumusha kwaamai vangu. My mother died when I was young but my relatives know about kumusha kwedu. I never knew my father. When I got together with my husband, he always complained because he wanted to know where I come from. It got so bad that he told me to pack up all my things and go kumusha and call for him once I got there. As soon as I went there, he sent word that he was no longer interested in me and that it was over. He then proceeded to take another woman as his wife. This too was short-lived and now he wants me back. He claims he is sorry and wants to make things right. I feel used. He rejected me for no tangible reason. I am also afraid of contracting STIs from him. I am so hurt and confused. What should I do?
Why do you sound as if this is the end of the world? Cheer up. Why are you just looking at the dark side of life? You have a child and that is a positive. Once you have a child, you have to be a sensible parent because your decisions affect your child. Crying every now and then is not good for the upbringing of your child. As I always say, life is not about taking short cuts because you will not get to your destination. There are more disadvantages than advantages. You rushed into a would-be marriage but it never materialised although you gave it your all. In our culture, kubika mapoto is a very temporary arrangement, nobody takes this seriously or cares. If you were in a proper marriage, your husband would not send you away into the wilderness with a child. Our culture has a way of resolving such issues. You are only 22, where do you start from? Who do you approach and how do you state your case?
In my view the best people to assist you are your mother’s family. If there are some elders, surely they would know who your father is.
Please do not waste your time with the father of your child. He sent you into the world and took in another woman. He wants you back now because the other woman has left him. I urge you to go to a civil court and claim for child support. You should try and fend for the child. The danger of going back is you may end up with more children and risk contracting STIs since he is now in the habit of staying with other women. If you want, I can refer you to some organisations that can give you free counseling. I wish you all the best.
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