The Sunday Mail
When I say background I am not talking about things like study whether someone is a virgin or not no!
Many people are so caught up in sexual issues that they ignore the most fundamental things like how a person was raised, his/her belief system, thinking system and how one make decisions.
Let us look at different backgrounds; imagine a girl comes from a very rich family and she meets a guy from a poor background at a party and they somehow click.
The thing is, the two might be attracted to each other and never bother to make any inquiries about each other’s background. They don’t assess each other to see if they are compatible.
Due to the high chemistry, they hit it off as all seems to be well between the two. But here is the thing: The girl lives in Borrowdale (top notch suburb) and the guy lives in Mbare (high density suburb). Since the girl is so much in love she might never bother to really ask or show interest in finding out where this charming guy comes from.
So they might meet up again, and again until the girl falls pregnant. Is there anything wrong with that? Since these two are so in love can’t they just stay together right?
This is where the background issue comes into play. Let us do the maths. The guy earns about $4 000, he pays rent that costs $500. If we add water plus electricity bills his accommodation bill takes about $1 300. If we add transport, the bill will go to about $2 000. What about groceries? Maybe he will only end up with just $200 to spare.
What about the girl? Her father gives her $2 000 per day. She uses $800 on fuel and the rest on food and whatever she wants. This guy has only $200 to sustain him for the whole month whilst all his money is taken by his bills and expenses.
In other words, the girl spends this guy’s salary in two days. Not on things we consider to be important but on airtime, pizza, chocolates, milkshakes, smoothies and whatever she pleases.
How will this guy maintain this girl? Whilst they might say backgrounds are not important all you need is love, let us face the truth.
The girl’s gardener’s cottage is far better than the house where her boyfriend is living. How will this work? How will she budget her boyfriend’s salary for the whole month when she can spend it within two days?
How will her parents allow their daughter to endure this kind of life when they were giving her a queen’s life?
I want to be honest, this doesn’t work. Based on their different backgrounds, the girl sees buying pizza as her right whilst the guy sees it as a luxury. The guy will call the girl “a spoiled child” whilst the girl will call the guy “stingy and abusive”.
They will always fight. The guy will force the girl to eat kapenta or veggies without meat, something unheard of from the girl’s side. The girl will be called a difficult person because she will demand things which this guy will view as luxuries because he can’t afford them.
Can this girl use public transport? If she is to be given a car by her parents, will this guy be able to put fuel in this car? This marriage will most likely fail because their backgrounds are different.
It is hard for rich people to endure poverty and it is hard for poor people to afford the lifestyle of rich people.
So are backgrounds not important? Many people are suffering today because they overlooked backgrounds.
I suggest marry a person who has a similar background as yours. If you grew up with no money and your lover grew up with no money as well, it will be easier to get along if you lack money from time to time.
There are people who do not know that it is possible not to have money and they will not forgive you nor it when you don’t have money on you.
I know some who struck gold and appeared to be rich, and they married from a rich family. Their strategy worked because they had everything that a rich should have. Problems only surfaced after a few years, with their wealth dwindling.
As the finances fell, their marriages fell as well, because their wives were not raised to endure poverty and did not understand suffering.
Marry someone at your level or at least someone who has the same background as yours. It will be well with you.
According to the Bible: “If one of you is planning to build a house, he sits down first and calculate the cost, to see if he has enough money to build the house. If you build without calculating the cost you will not be able to finish the house after laying the foundation and those passing will laugh at you saying this man began to build but he failed to finish.” (Luke 14 vs 28).
Before you marry calculate to see if you can afford the lifestyle of the person you want to marry. This is wisdom.
The issue of beliefs is often overlooked but it is very important. Can a Christian marry a witch? Will it work? One sees killing as a sin whilst someone might see killing as a duty.
Same goes for smoking and drinking, someone might see it as a good thing whilst the other will see it as a sin. Beliefs determine how we make decisions and how we get to conclusions.
If we have different beliefs we always make different conclusions and we take different actions which will result in conflicts and fights. It is wise to marry a person of the same religious and financial background so that you can be yoked equally.
Brian Matsaira is a love and relationships coach and can be reached on [email protected]