The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Mudzimba
My boyfriend cheated on me
I am a 20-year-old woman and I am dating a 26-year-old man. He is gainfully employed and I am still in college. He used to cheat on me a lot and I would always forgive him. Even when he cheated on me with married women.
In one particular case, he cheated on me with an HIV positive woman and he had to take post-exposure drugs. I love him and forgave him but after this incident, he told me he would stop and I believed him.
He says his results came back negative. What bothers me the most is when we fight he blocks me from communicating with him. He has also started smoking and drinking, which is very uncharacteristic of him. What do you think I can do to break through to him? It has been a week since our last fight and he still has not unblocked me.
Response
You are a young woman caught up in a terrible predicament. I do not think you are a hopeless romantic. I think you are young, inexperienced and looking to see the good in a difficult situation. Cheating is not easy to stop. The fact that this guy had affairs with people who were married is concerning. He has no moral compass. Perhaps the HIV scare set him straight but there are still a lot of questions to be answered. Did you verify his STI results and have you been intimate with him since? These are things you must consider with regards to your safety. When people have a problem or problems, they resolve them by talking. Blocking communication channels for days on end really does not make it seem as if he is serious about you or your relationship. Basing from what you have told me, I would recommend you focus on school and find someone else who will truly value you. You are still young and full of potential. Do not be taken for a ride.
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Disappointed in my father
Hi Mai Chisamba, thank you for your column. I am a 21-year-old girl and I am disappointed in my father. When I was in Form Two, I once found a photo of him with another woman. At the time, I did not know who she was. After my Ordinary Level, I found out that he was having an extramarital affair with this woman.
He would often quarrel with my mother in my presence and I grew to resent him. I would avoid him as much as possible until he told my mother to admonish me for doing so. He now lives with his other family half of the time and I wish he would just go and stay there. I lost a male role model and it has even affected me to the point that I do not know what to look for in a man anymore. Please help.
Response
Hello writer and thank you for supporting the column. You find yourself in a difficult situation. What makes it even more frustrating is that it is not of your own making. Your father acted dishonourably and you watched it all unravel at a young age. For that, I am truly sorry. Have you shared with others and your mother in particular how this has made you feel?
Resenting your father is not good and it is a heavy burden to bear for the rest of your life. I do not know how your mother feels but I do know that bottling things inside will not solve anything. You need to go for family counselling and try and map a way forward for you, your parents and your siblings. It is often upsetting how one person’s actions can disrupt a family and the mental well-being of those affected. I will put you and your mother in touch with a counsellor to try and find a way forward. Keep an open mind and an open heart, you will get through this.
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My girlfriend wants me
to become a pastor
I am a young man aged 24 and I am in love with a 20-year-old girl. Right now I am thinking of leaving Zimbabwe in search of greener pastures. We have been dating for three years and it is pretty serious. We even talk of getting married. We go to different churches and she claims she has been having visions and dreams ari mai mufundisi. In her church, if she is to become a pastor, then it means her husband has to also be a pastor. Those are the rules. I have no intentions of becoming a pastor. She says she really loves me and is finding it difficult letting me go but the visions she has must be fulfilled. I asked her sister about this and she says she knows nothing about these so-called visions and dreams. I do not know what to do. Please advise me.
Response
Thank you so much for your letter. My heart bleeds because of the way you are taking chifundisi/priesthood so lightly.
The first thing you should understand is that it is not a job, it is a vocation; it is a call from above unless one fakes it. It is greater than the love that a man and wife can share. When one is truly called there is no compromise at all. Your issue is not complicated, all you have to do is to accept what God wants.
You know you do not have the calling and you cannot go there for love. It is very noble to be true to yourself. Being a pastor means serving other people and God’s church. This can be very demanding, especially when you do not belong there. Your girl has made up her mind, so which other decision are you waiting for? If it is a proper calling then it would be a done deal. Yes, you have asked her sister but your girlfriend has told you that it will not change anything.
I know it hurts because you are so in love and you had made plans with this girl. The best thing for you is to move on and leave this girl to undertake her missionary work as her call demands. You cannot be a pastor because you have not been called. Please do not stand in her way.
The good thing is you have also found greener pastures, go and work hard. We have an adage that says “zviuya zviri mberi”; it is my hope that you will find a good companion there. It is just unfortunate that the situation we are faced with is beyond us. Pray for God’s guidance. It shall be well. I wish you all the best.
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