The Sunday Mail
Diet is tearing family apart
Hello mai Chisamba, I hope my letter finds you well. I am 28 years old and I am a full time house wife. My husband is the bread winner and takuwara nekushainirwa. He is 30 years old but he looks far older than that because of his big body. We are blessed with two kids, a boy and a girl, both of primary going age. Earlier this year he went to see his doctor and he was put on a sugar free diet and advised to eat healthy foods. He decided to be a vegetarian, amai tachibata.
He buys what he eats for his diet whilst me and the kids are being forced to conform to a meat free diet and yet we do not have similar health conditions.
Nyama chaiyo hatichaiziva unless he feels like buying it for us once in a while. This has affected the children very much because now they go to eat at their friends’ houses kukwata chaiko and they have become very unpopular for that. He buys all sorts of funny things in the name of healthy eating.
Every other day he brings broccoli zvimuriwo zvinenge maruva, noone favours eating that except him. I don’t mind cooking these things but he should not impose the same diet on us.
I spoke to his mother about this and instead of helping she actually rubbed salt on old wounds. She said I should look for a job so that I can buy what I please. She went on to say in this day and age hazvichaita otherwise you will push your hubby to the limits. She asked me to count the number of women in our line who don’t go to work and see for myself.
My in-laws are professionals, they both go to work. My mother is very upset about all this and she has threatened to come and confront my husband and his mother. I don’t know what to do because my hubby is saying if she does that then it’s all over moenda mose kunodya nyama kumba kwenyu.
This issue has taken twists and turns but my father is saying inini naamai we should keep quiet. There is lot of tension amongst us, please assist I don’t know what to do.
I am very well thank you. My first question is why do you even tempt fate? There is no need for all this bickering, how is your mother involved in this? She wants to come and confront your husband and mother-in-law about a dieting issue? The two mothers are quite incensed over a very trivial issue.
Yes the issue has taken unnecessary twists and turns as you rightfully say because everything has been blown out of proportion. In our culture, your mother has no business to come and personally confront people mumusha memukwasha. There are structures in place for that. She should always use the right channels.
Your mother-in-law is off track too because what she is talking about has nothing to do with what is on the ground. Why must you conduct a census of full-time housewives in your street? You are making this simple and straight forward case complicated by involving other people. Dieting is good, especially when you are advised by a medical doctor to do so.
You need to support each other but he should not impose it on everyone else. Please don’t let the children eat at other people’s homes, it’s not a good habit and as parents you should be accountable for what your kids eat. My advice is baba ndivo chete vari padiet but if you want to join him there is nothing wrong. He should continue to buy meat and other goodies for the family as long as they are healthy foods.
Take your father’s advice into account as well, it is constructive, silence is golden. At 28 it’s never too late to improve yourself academically and get a job if it’s what you yearn for at this point and time. Life is very short, don’t waste your time nekungoburana for no good reason.
Vegetables are good for your immune system, including broccoli yausingadi. Treat your marriage seriously its God given kwete kungoti munobva maenda mese. Is it as easy as that? Please remember to pray for both your families.
What’s in a song?
Thank you so much for this column. I’m struggling to find a solution to my problem, that’s why I’m writing to you. My husband proposed to me and I made him wait for three solid years before I said yes. After this long period I was truly convinced that he loved me, I am 32 and he is 35. We have been married for seven years and are now blessed with three kids, two boys and a girl.
Even though we have been together for some time now I find it peculiar that my husband is always singing ‘Since you have gone things are not the same in my life anymore I miss you’ and the song goes on.
This song is tearing us apart. My boss at work once said if you want to know more about a person pay attention to the songs they enjoy singing. Is my husband missing someone in his life? I complained about that song bitterly and he said karwiyo kakangoimbwawo zvakanaka.
He even sings this song subconsciously. Me and my husband takaroorana vematongo, we are from the same community. Did I marry a wrong person because it’s been sometime tichinetsana netunziyo twakadaro?
My main concern however is the tune he likes to sing along to, the one I mentioned earlier. Why can’t he stop this? What’s so special about this song? I love my family but this is bothering me so much. I am not a very beautiful woman but as a married woman I expect love from my hubby and handidi zvechitsotsi.
To tell you the truth I have on several occasions contemplated leaving him so that he gets his freedom back. Please amai help me I am so confused.
Thank you for writing in. My sixth sense tells me that you did not give me the full story. There could be other issues that have made you so unhappy in your marriage. Firstly let me help you by saying you should never look down upon yourself. Who told you that you are not very beautiful? Each individual is beautiful in their own way and in some cases it’s in the eyes of the beholder.
You are talking about chitsotsi, where is this coming from? Is your husband cheating on you? Is he starving you of the love you deserve and are entitled to? If my maths serves me right you have known each other for over 10 years, that’s a long time. You have invested so much in this union and you are contemplating quitting it for a song? Vasikana tipeiwo maserious.
Marriage is a lifelong companionship please treasure that. You were blessed with three beautiful children and you are prepared to walk away and leave these kids to grow up in a separate house from their mother because their father continues to sing a love song you don’t understand?
Yes it may be hurtful but weigh your options. I agree music can influence a person negatively or positively ndosaka vaye vanosvikirwa vachisutswa kana rwiyo rwasekuru rwaimbwa.
Some songs are solemn, some incite violence, pleasure or bad behavior but life is bigger than a song. Some songs are appreciated because of their lyrics, tunes, artists, places where they were first sung or even the dances they come with.
I personally sing in the shower every day but it is not reflective of anything that will be going on in my life at that moment. It’s a habit that provides self entertainment as I bath. I know the song you’re talking about, its titled ‘Forever Yours’ (Return) and it was written by Testic Conzoni and Diane Stephenson. It is pregnant with beautiful and meaningful lyrics. Tell your spouse what this song is doing to you. I listened to the song, its beautiful, why don’t you listen to the whole song without taking offense.
You don’t need a third party, this you can talk over with your hubby amicably. Take it easy ko vakatoimba ‘Eriza’ yaJah Prayzah munoita sei?
Don’t complicate your life by trying to split hairs. Enjoy your marriage and your family. Be of good cheer, it shall be well. I would be happy to hear from you again.
Can tuition payments cancel an outstanding lobola debt?
Mai Chisamba I have a problem at home. I am 42 and my wife is 37. After we realised that my father-in-law was struggling to put my sister’s wife through school, my wife went home to take her and brought her to our home. She was doing Form 5 then and she is a very intelligent girl. As I write to you she is doing a degree programme at one of these local universities.
This has been quite a burden since I have my own two children vandiri kutotadza kuitira madanha. Both my parents are late and I have my own relatives who also need the type of help that I am giving to my sister-in-law.
My father-in-law is a pensioner and he also has a house in town that he rents out but he has never assisted me in anyway. I am not happy about what’s going on but what keeps me going is we have come a long way with mainini and I cannot just dump her midway. As I write this letter, my father-in-law came demanding for mombe dzedanga dzakasara when I paid lobola.
We are not on speaking terms because he is fuming about this debt. Can’t he see that I am over burdened by taking care of his youngest daughter?
I provide everything from accommodation, food and fees, where do I get the money from? I am so angry.
I am thinking of getting a loan to pay for his danga and that will be the end, handitsike futi pamusha pavo.
He is asking for too much, I may be mukuwasha yes but he should be appreciative and considerate. He is now coming between me and my marriage, although we haven’t openly spoken about it I can sense some tension arising from the situation.
I now regret this because I never did this for any of my people who are also desperate for assistance. Please help, how do I handle this?
Thank you for helping your sister-in-law in her hour of need. It is my hope that before you took amainini on board you discussed this as a couple and then went on to take care of her. You are helping mainini as an individual and it’s a very good thing. People should always be treated as individuals although we belong to families and other social groupings.
Mainini as a person has not wronged you in any way according to this letter. Please don’t punish her for her father’s actions. When you agreed to help your sister-in-law you knew about your background and your struggling relatives in similar situations so what has changed? You also knew you owed your father in-law danga ravo so why are you so hurt?
Do you realise that looking after her does not mean the debt is cancelled unless you talked and agreed to do so nababa? These are two different arrangements.
In my view baba havana kutadza although he shouldn’t take offense if the money is not readily available. Lobola can be a long term payment depending on resources. You want to go and take a loan in order to silence baba, this does not help you at all.
Are you ready to pay the interest rate on that loan as well? I thought you said you are struggling. Why put yourself under so much stress? Why should you stop going to your in-laws home after the payment? It beats all logic, matsamweiko?
Musaputse chirongo masvika. What you have done for mainini is very commendable. Please when you do such things let it come from the heart because you will never complain. Always remember when you do good you do it for your God and he knows how to bless and thank you accordingly.
I agree baba should be more appreciative and try to help in his own small way since he is still alive and has a few resources. When you are in this mood do you ever think of your wife and children?
Please talk to munyai audze baba kuti munochiziva chikwereti asi muchakabatikana nechikoro chamainini, cash talk breaks no friendship. Stand tall and be counted for what you are doing, don’t be pushed into unnecessary fights. It pays to pray sincerely for your families. I wish you all the best.
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