The Sunday Mail
My marriage has lost its spark
I enjoy your column and I feel it is my turn to be assisted. One of last week’s letters prompted me to write mine. Mai Chisamba, I do not know what can be done especially to the young people. Marriage looks so rosy and wonderful before you get into it. I am speaking for myself but I know so many people out there feel the same. Love is sweet when you are dating, you can spend the whole day looking at each other without boredom.
When you introduce your would-be spouse to your people most of them will urge you on wanting to know when you will get married but once you do that masamba asiyana. When you think of anything good your love comes first. When I was dating my wife, my parents used to say chinono chinengwe bere rakadya richifamba, act now or you lose your girl to other men.
I married that girl and we are blessed with a beautiful daughter. All the attention and fuss over her is gone and I just wonder why. It seems she has lost that glow, we used to spend long hours talking about sweet nothings but now we only do so when it matters. I used to do this even from work but now I get busy but I have not changed my employment and designation and the same goes for her too.
Weekends used to be the best times for us but now we wake up early as if we are avoiding each other. To me marriage is like an incomplete jig saw puzzle, as long as we do not find all the pieces there will always be something amiss. It seems now most marriages are for convenience. These institutions are not as rosy as many thought. Kungogara nekuti makajairana and you have to look after your kids. What is your take on this one Mai Chisamba?
Response
What a letter! What an analysis! The truth about marriage is you cannot take a shortcut, you have to understand it first. A singer of my time Percy Sledge once sang “take time to know her” it goes both ways, ladies should “take time to know him too”.
In my view, some people take marriage as a destination, once they are there they think they no longer have to put any effort into the relationship. This attitude spoils the fun, the love and the wonder in marriage. It is actually the beginning of a new chapter in life izere zviwanikwa zvamunotozodakadzwa nazvo when you tie the knot.
Counselling is a pre-requisite of any marriage. People have to know first what it means before they commit to each other. It comes with a lot of responsibilities, sacrifices and amusements. It has its highs and lows but the secret is to stick to the fight until death separates you. It is not as easy as some couples make it look.
Nowadays some people are killing this by taking excitement or lust for love, kungogara vese mukombi for 45 minutes, end of that day vototizirana. How can this be a marriage? Some fall in love for the wrong reasons like kuda mota, education, beauty, family background, the list goes on but this is not true love. Marriage has one main ingredient called true love. This ingredient is the most important aspect to making any marriage work. People should never be pushed into marriage because of their age, “kuti hazvichaita wakura”.
This will not work at all, you talked about parents and relatives changing their stance. If you stand by your spouse no matter what the family says or does they will eventually respect that. You should also understand that in marriage attention is divided among so many people, your children, your families and friends. Itai semwenje unopa vamwe chiedza iwo usingarasikirwe nekubwinya.
Love those around you but do not forget to continue loving each other. It is sad when you talk about how most marriages are losing their spark, it is all in your head. People should act responsibly when they get married, it is a sign of maturity that is why you are referred to as saimba in our culture. Revive your love everyday so that you do not lose the spark. You talk as if you are the missing piece in this puzzle.
Please get your head back in the game and become more engaged in your marriage. Continue enjoying spending time with each other after tying the knot because this is a life long journey. It is good to call and text each other but do it responsibly. Last but not least, you made a good choice when you chose your spouse usa cheuke cheuke. Gutsikana nezvawakasarudza.
***
Aged husband acting strange
I am a senior citizen and so is my husband. All our three children are out of the country, two are based in Canada and one is based in the UK.
We are both retired and respect each other so much. Our children take turns to send money and provisions to us. Most of these things are sent through baba because this is what we agreed upon. We have been married for 45 years now. My problem is baba is now showing signs of dishonesty. When he receives money at times he does not tell me or he plays the amount down. Several times vana vanobvunza kuti mai indava?
I used to cover for him but now I have exposed him to the children because I do not want them to think that I am not appreciative. I tried to ask him why but I was shocked by his response he said “munonetsa munoda mari sepfambi mashayeiko pano”. I still cannot get to terms with this. I told him all I wanted was to say thank you each time we get money from abroad. We had a very nasty exchange of words most of which I cannot fully express in a family newspaper.
I do not even know kuti ishura here or not. I do not expect such from him he was rude and vulgar. I even considered divorce because I was heartbroken but I never told him. Do you think it is a good idea to tell the children never to send money to this greedy old man again? We have eight grandchildren vatokurawo mufunge. My husband is an elder at our church and most people look up to him for advice but look at what he is doing. Last Sunday I wanted to tell the pastor but I restrained.
I am fuming, I am so disappointed. What is the best thing to do? l am confused. Ndipo panozonzi vana chihera vanoganduka.
Response
I will speak to you as a fellow senior citizen. I can feel your anger no wonder why you said you are now confused. Firstly, congratulations for 45 years of marriage, that is a big milestone and for putting your children through school, now you are reaping the fruits of your womb.
In your first paragraph, you talked about the respect you have for each other, that is a plus and it is very commendable, do not let the devil take that away from you, it is a gemstone. Marriages that lack this attribute do not make it to 45 years.
My plea is musashatirwe segurwe rinozvidambura makumbo kana ratsamwa rozoshaya pekutangira. You have been blessed with children and grandchildren please cherish this, they all look up to you. Do not destroy things that you built over four decades because of things that can easily be fixed. My advice is if you think baba is playing games, why not ask your children to send money to you separately until this issue is sorted out.
Divorce is not a thing you can decide on when you are angry. My sixth sense tells me you are just angry so you need to calm down. It is my hope that you do not expose him to the pastor at this juncture, remember if you do things in anger you may live to regret it later. Baba is off track, he used very bad language but you too are part and parcel of this because you said you had an exchange although I do not know what you said.
Do not stop the children from sending money munozozvidemba mai. Your husband is only human although he is the head of the family and an elder kuchurch, as such he should apologise sincerely. You need a professional counsellor to help you pick up the pieces, hapana shura apa inonzi mari ine mabasa. You are a Christian and forgiveness is key in this religion.
Do not lose yourself in the process. Pray sincerely for your marriage and family, musaputse chirongo masvika ngaisiye matambo vachihera. I would be happy to hear from you. I wish you all the best. Lastly, do not describe your soul mate as a greedy old man, its mean. I think both of you have aged but with grace.
Write to: [email protected] or WhatsApp 0771415747
