The Sunday Mail
MAI CHISAMBA, I hope I find you well. I have a daunting story to tell, babamukuru (tete’s husband) kissed me.
This occurred when I had visited their place like I always do because I study in Botswana and they also stay in Botswana so during university holidays I always visit them. He had always acted like he was interested in me, commenting on my pictures about how beautiful and curvy I am. I used to brush it off and change the topic. He would also say some funny suggestive statements in front of my tete about me and we would all just laugh about it like “nhasi mainini you are sleeping in my bedroom ka tete vako vombopindawo mu guest room”, zvotopera. I got comfortable thinking he would just be playing since he also does chiramu in front of tete. On this fateful day in the car park he started kissing and touching me I said no to his advances at first but then I gave in and we kissed for about two minutes then I stopped the act. We agreed not to mention it to anyone but I feel so guilty because I have my own boyfriend and my tete has always been good to me and my family and I know it is morally wrong.
I am 20 and my uncle is 38 and after that incident he has been texting me zviri weird and he states that he likes me and he misses me greatly. He complains if I do not text or reply him the whole day. He makes it seem like we have a relationship of some sort. He is a mupostori so I am afraid he does not even think that what he is doing is wrong since it is part of their religious beliefs to practice polygamy but I am not a mupostori myself. Should I ask him what exactly he wants?
I think you started your letter wrongly; how can you say babamukuru kissed you. It takes two to tango if it went on for two minutes or so then it was quite a long and passionate kiss. You are at university, at this level I assume that your reasoning is sharper and you can read in between lines. From his silly comments you should have seen it coming. The ball was in your court, you could have stopped this. For your information chiramu does not mean passing dirty comments and using silly language. Whoever does this will have crossed the line. You laughed when he got carried away so in his mind you seemed like a good candidate to fulfill his desires. Tete or you should have told him that it was wrong and you were not amused. I urge you to resist these sexual advances from babamukuru or whoever until you get married. You have to learn to control yourself because if you do not you will end up being taken advantage of. I hope you did not take it further with babamukuru. Doing anything with him is betrayal at its worst. Tete loves and respects you, she even hosts you at her house during the holidays. You have your own boyfriend and you are doing this behind his back, this is just unfortunate. I do not want to say much about him being a mupositori because we will then dignify his act because some of them are allowed to have as many wives as they want. I certainly think that is a debate for another day. You have to stop this forthwith. This babamukuru is even capable of raping you. Ukatambira mukanwa meshumba unotsengwa tsengwa. He is right to think you have accepted his nonsense because you did not resist him. Tell him it was a moment of madness and if he continues you will report him to tete. You are a major and a university student, common sense should tell you what he wants, why ask him asi uri kutovadawo kani babamukuru vacho? Please be warned, he is married to your loving tete, do not bring unnecessary fights into the family. Respect your body and keep your pride, do not let him take you for a lady of loose morals. What you did is morally wrong, the only way forward now is to turn over a new leaf. If need be you can even stop visiting their place but do not cut communications with tete. Pray sincerely about this, God will forgive and help you map a way forward.
Heartbroken and confused
As I write this letter I am on the verge of tears. I do not know what to do, I cannot even think straight. I was in love with a man who always told me that he truly loved me. We dated for three years and he told me that before he came into my life there was someone else but they called it quits long back. I believed him and never saw them together or suspected anything. Just last week that ex eloped and came to stay with my boyfriend. He told me that he did not know why because the woman was already six months pregnant and he was not romantically involved with her. I was waiting to hear that he was going to chase her away. I was shocked to hear that he paid lobola for her just last week and pakafarwa. I do not understand this woman at all. I am so heartbroken and I feel suicidal. I cannot live like this. I just cannot handle it please help me. I am 24 years old and my man is 25. What is most confusing is when I called him he even cried during our telephone conversation saying he still loves me and that I am the woman of his dreams. I suspect his family is putting a lot of pressure on him. Please assist me amai, I am more than heartbroken I still love him even after all this. I do not think I can love any other man.
I will tell it as it is but I mean well. My first advice is for you to please wake up and smell the coffee. What you are telling me is stranger than fiction. I do not even know your boyfriend but I can tell that he is manipulative. Most men have their pride intact and only a small percentage would pay lobola for an ex-girlfriend who elopes when her pregnancy is almost full term and accepts her as his own. In my view these two never broke up, your boyfriend always kept his cards close to his chest, you were too trusting and missed a lot of things. Mind you this girl is not a fool; why would she come to an ex flame? Why would she give away her precious baby in such a way? You say pakafarwa when this guy paid lobola. We are going through a very harsh economic period, if he had not planned this then where did he get the money from to pay for lobola? I feel so sorry for you because you were faithful and had pinned all your hopes on this guy. Do not be suicidal, this guy never cared for you because if he did what happened could have been avoided. A bend is not the end of the road, you are young and full of potential you can do better. Forget about this ugly patch and close this chapter. Do not entertain his lies anymore, he is no longer your man, he now belongs to the woman you thought was his ex flame. Marriages are made in heaven, he was never meant for you, stop hurting and move on. Do not let this change your character, these are some of life’s most trying tests. Suicide is for cowards and for people who do not understand the dynamics of life. You are not one of those people. Your family and friends will always be there for you. Try and engage a professional counselor. Be warned, he may try to convince you with a lot of sweet nothings and you may end up becoming compromised. Be of good cheer about this, God will open a new chapter for you. I wish you all the best.
Why won’t our kids look after us?
Hello Mai Chisamba, we are a retired couple, I am 68 and my husband is 71. God has been good to us, we both look younger than our ages and we are still both up and about. Of course, we live with the usual conditions and diseases like BP and so forth those that came with age. We are blessed with three sons and two daughters, who all got married in church and have a total of 10 grandchildren and one great-grandchild. Tine twunhu twedu and we are very comfortable. We did our best and saw to it that our children were well brought up. I do not want to bombard you with our family history, let me get straight to the point of why I have written you. Mai Chisamba, out of the five children, my last daughter ndiye anoziva kutipawo zvinhu. The rest just think that there is no need. When we talk to our friends most of them brag about what their children do for them, we really do not have anything to say. The only time that we get things from our children is when they bring their kids for holidays. The truth is they just bring enough to last the period they will have come to stay with us. Even for this to happen we had to sit them down kuti musangounza vana vasina chavai nacho. You are the parents you know what they want. Even if we can afford to buy them what they desire it seems something is seriously wrong? Some children even buy big things like cars and houses for their parents. We do not even get a newspaper from ours. Please do not get me wrong I am not asking for their things but all I am saying is why? We are a very happy and tight family but isu ndisu tinopa vana all the time.
Thank you so much for writing in and it is so refreshing to get a letter from someone who says they are happy. We serve a very fair God and when he distributes blessings he does so fairly. You have been blessed abundantly but at times you do not count your blessings. You have a good family, all your kids are married and working. At your age you are in good health and still up and about and to top that up mune tunhu twenyu. Yes, it is a wonderful feeling to be given something especially by your off spring but at times it just remains a mirage. For children it is the thought that counts not the size of the gift. It is a noble culture to give especially to your parents. It just shows that you love and think about them. You gave an example of a newspaper that can be bought for a dollar, hero jira kufuka kana kuwarira. Each one of us should play his part, God knows what you can and cannot do. I understand you may be actually speaking for other parents too. Communication plays a pivotal role in our families, speak out and let it be known.Some innocently think that there is no point in giving someone who has. There is no one who has everything that one longs for under the sun. Yes, your friends may brag about what their children have done for them but if you look closely God has done the same for you. I urge you to look at the bright side of life and be content. To my readers this letter comes in handy, this is the festive season what are you giving to family and friends? We can all give in our own small way in cash or kind. I hope you will be able to talk to your family members from the heart. The “why am I not receiving things” phase should be erased. I do not know you but I give you my love. Remember to pray for families and for yourselves. I wish you all the best.
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