The Sunday Mail
I am a married woman blessed with a son and daughter.
My mother-in-law imposed her name on my daughter and I voiced my concern over that. My husband supported me and that name was never registered.
My daughter is 10 and my son is 12. Over the years I thought this was water under the bridge.
My husband’s youngest brother who recently got married has been pressured to name his daughter the same name. They have both refused saying it is my daughter’s name. We have even shown them the birth certificate to prove it was never registered.
My mother-in-law is breathing fire and accusing me of influencing everyone. She has threatened us kuti tichaona nevana vamuri kudada navo muchiramba zita rangu. Amwene is saying she only has two sons who both have refused her name.
The two tetes are teaming up with their mother saying tavashora zvisingaite. I told vana tete that they can give the name to one of their children if they so wished.
Mai Chisamba, is this the way it should be that a name is imposed on your child? Baba has not said a word on this so we do not know what he thinks about what is going on.
There is a lot of tension within the family, how do we resolve this? Varoora vavo, her brother’s wives refused the name too that is why she wants to use pressure on us. Ko sei vanhu vese vari kuramba? Please assist the discomfort is killing us. Worse, we all go to the same church.
Response
I touched on something similar last year although the circumstances were quite different.
I really do not understand why people get into conflict unnecessarily. My question: is what is in a name? There are thousands of people world over who share the same name with your mother-in-law.
People will remain individuals despite a few characteristics they may share with members of the family.
In the Shona culture when they say “mwana ane zita’, it will be a name given to someone after a certain ritual is done.
It does not matter whether you had other names or not rinonzi zita regombwa and this can only happen after the previous owner of the name is deceased.
Your mother-in-law is still alive so do not worry about this issue even if you had accepted rinonzi remadanha kungoti marifarirawo. Families should learn to not pick fights over nothing.
Every couple has a right to name their children as they please it is also up to them to ask amai or anyone else to do that on their behalf if they so wish.
I do not understand why amai is bulldozing maybe this is the reason why everyone is saying no. Vari kuita senge pane zviripo ipo pasina.
There is absolutely no need to threaten varoora about this issue. Why is baba silent whilst the family is tearing each other apart? He has the potential to end this squabble.
I do not think the church is helping much and why even bother to mention it when you are all doing the opposite of what the church teaches?
After baba speaks, and you are not happy then you can engage the pastor/priest to talk and pray with the family. You need each other; kungofungirana nekutukana hazvivake musha.
Your sisters-in-law should not take their mother’s side instead they should help calm amai down. It defeats all logic that a Christian who goes to church can keep a grudge for ten years, oh God forbid!
I would be happy to hear from you again. Be of good cheer, the Supreme Being is always in charge and will help you through this.
Forced to reconcile with stranged hubby
I am a 24-year-old mother-of-two and I go to one of these popular Apostolic sects.
My parents divorced when I was very young and I was brought up at my mother’s home where there is this big chipostori background. I stayed with my husband for six years and I experienced a very unhappy and abusive marriage.
I complained a lot to my mother’s relatives but they all said mutemo wechurch unoti shingirira. My life was miserable, my husband would cheat on me with several women and ill-treat me all the time.
This treatment forced me to complain to people from my father’s side because zvanga zvanyanya. They were very annoyed considering that my husband paid nothing in terms of lobola and they took me away together with my kids.
My hubby was told that if he loved me he would come and pay lobola then we would go back to him. The problem now is the church is threatening to boot me out if I do not go back to my husband. This man took another woman in when I left so how do I go back? Kuno kwandiri ndigere zvakanaka. Please assist.
Response
I am terribly sorry for what you went through in the hands of this man, this kind of life has a negative impact on the children’s upbringing too.
If truth be told the father of your kids was never your husband because he never paid lobola for you so makabika mapoto for six years, no wonder why it was so easy for him to bring another woman when you left.
What people from your father’s side did is very commendable because abusive relationships can end up with someone dying or in someone being maimed for life.
The saddest part is even in such an unhappy relationship you gave birth to two innocent children who may be disadvantaged in so many ways in their lives because of this breakup. A spouse who loves his/her better half will never beat up or be abusive in any way. Marriage as I always say is straightforward, it is about love, respect and true companionship, haisi yekushingirira.
My advice for you is to stay where you are because you are happy. How do you go back to an abusive man who is now staying with another woman ko ukapondwa? Where is your pride? This guy never followed you nor did he pay anything towards lobola, how do you know if he wants you back or not?
Mutemo wekuChurch kana usingachengetedze upenyu hwako is not worth its salt. The people who are asking you to come back are not the ones you will be staying with.
This guy is very irresponsible because he is not even concerned about his children’s welfare. You go to a civil court and claim child support.
Happiness is paramount in any marriage. It is about you — not them.
Please weigh your options kudzingwa muChurch yepanyika hakusi kudzingwa naMwari. You are very young and full of potential you can stand on your own and take care of your kids. Move on and make hay while the sun shines. Raise your self esteem and fly like an eagle.
If you are not sure then engage a professional counsellor who will help you. I wish you all the best.
I’m in love with a grouch
I am a 20-year-old woman and I am in love with a moody boyfriend. He is 23 and we have been going out for two years. I love this guy with all my heart but he is so difficult, kana twakakwidza he does not answer when I speak to him — he uses sign language.
At times I wonder why we even go out because of his attitude. Last week on his 23rd birthday I sent him a beautiful love message and he did not comment. I asked whether he had seen it or not, he simply said handisati ndaivhura. Ndakangopererwa.
We only laugh and have fun when he wants to. We talked about marriage once but I am beginning to doubt if he was sincere.
We stay in the same ghetto but last week he pulled a shocker when he told me to sit in the back seat in his car. I asked why then he started moving slowly ndikatoona kuti ndakusiiwa then I got in.
In my mind I thought we were going to pick his relative up or someone along the way but we drove straight into town.
I phoned him later to ask and he said “Hauna kusvika kwawanga uchienda here?”
I can write a book about him but he is so different from other guys, strictly going by what my friends who are also in love tell me.
The truth is I do not feel loved. I have done my best to show him kuti ndakaperera but I cannot get a straight forward answer.
Do you think this guy will ever change for the better or I am wasting my time? When he is with other people he jokes and chats normally but with me it is the opposite.
I spoke to my tete about it and she said most men havasununguke nemadzimai kana vasikana vavo nekuti havadi kudheererwa. Is that true, Mai Chisamba?
Response
I felt so sorry for you when I read your letter and I kept asking myself why?
Love, my girl, should be reciprocal. That is the order of the game. Mharapara ndikwenye ndigokukwenyawo. There are no two ways about that.
Why have you allowed yourself to sink so low? Your sweetheart tells you to sit at the back of his car after having threatened to drive off and you comply, nhamo yacho ndeyeiko?
I will not beat about the bush: in my view this guy is just wasting your time. At 20 you can do better.
Marriage does not change one’s character just like the leopard does not change its spots. The stage you are at now is the romantic stage better described as kupengesana; the very best stage because all you do now is love each other.
It is different from marriage, which comes with so many responsibilities.
It is very difficult to deal with moody people because they always change like weather zvinyamusi hazvina mugoni. This guy is playing games with you why does he change when it comes to you? When he is in the company of other people he clowns, he chats and is happy so it is obvious it is your company that he does not enjoy.
In 2016 we still have the type of tetes who say it is ok for a guy to ignore his girlfriend nekuti haadi kudheererwa — that is unacceptable.
Do you think a guy who is not keen to open your love/birthday message cares for you? Frankly I do not see any future in this relationship unless there is a drastic change or minana.
My advice to you is to bite the bullet and tell him how you feel and the changes you would want to see. Give him an ultimatum. If he does not comply then walk away.
It is very rare that I tell people to move on but in this case I am happy to do so. You are better alone than with a false lover.
I would be happy to hear from you again. Do not be looked down upon wakazvikwanira. I wish you all the best.
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