The Sunday Mail
I will never trust anyone with my beer no matter how less inclined to help themselves to it they appear.
Not anymore!
What I went through at my nephew’s graduation party in Crowborough North, Harare, was an eye-opener and I do not think I would ever want to have a second bite of that cherry.
My in-laws honoured me with a crate of chilled beers and in order to ensure I drank every drop, I handed it over for safekeeping to women who were singing songs of adoration while resplendent in their religious attire holding rattles and tambourines.
My first and second visits to the fridge were without incident, but by the third visit I could not find my beer, while the women were now singing with merriment.
One of the women shouted that the beer tasted good while wearing a broad smile that exposed missing and yellowing teeth as she performed some lewd dance routines.
I got more than I bargained for.
You need no expertise in criminology or investigations to sniff out whoever would have stolen beer.
They soon exposed themselves with a massive change in demeanour and a propensity to add their voice to every issue under discussion.
The frequent visits to the loo are also quite telling.
People out there really love their beer.
“Vakomana doro rinonaka, dai waive mufushwa ndaisa muhomwe,” sang the legendary Thomas “Mukanya” Mapfumo with his booming voice.
Alick Macheso was not to be outdone.
In the song called “Kutsvaga Chiremba”, Macheso sings: “Pagova nehukorwa hwahwa, ukahunwa unodhakwa. Vamwe tinonwira hunodzima stress, vamwe tichinwira hunovaraidza pfungwa.”
No matter where you go under the sun, beer is big business.
No social gathering, be it a child christening party, birthday party, general party, wedding or funeral, can be said to be complete without the wise waters.
Even at traditional marriages, beer is often a pre-requisite as the ability to buy it is usually interpreted as a bridegroom’s ability to provide for the would-be bride.
Some preachers are known to perform wonders on the pulpit after downing one or two cold ones.
Family elders too are known to gulp a few before sitting down to tackle pressing issues.
People who do not drink beer are often the butt of jokes at beerhalls and other drinking spots as they are considered to be stingy.
“I wonder how people who do not drink beer while away their time. You cannot wake up and spend the day at home without giving women a chance to gossip about you. A man worth his salt must have time to mix and mingle with other men. Ungaswere mumba kuti wave poto here? You must meet other men and discuss life over a mug of beer,” I heard men saying while sharing opaque beer at an imbibing spot recently.
“I have no time for people who do not drink beer. After exchanging greetings and whining about the weather, what else do you say to each other?” questioned one elderly man while wiping his mouth with the back of the hand after taking a deep gulp of the traditional brew.
Some women are of the same view.
“I do not want my daughter to marry someone who does not drink beer. Such men are a big challenge. They ask too many questions and this takes away happiness from the home,” one woman told this writer.
“Men who do not drink beer are womanisers because they have nothing to commit their time to. If you do not drink beer, you are less likely to have good interpersonal skills because you just spend time with your workmates, church mates and members of your family,” said another woman.
Gentle reader, beer is big business I tell you. Aside from frequenting drinking spots to quaff the wise waters, all manner of traders frequent these places to sell their wares.
It is not unusual to find plumbers, car washers, tailors and those who sell their herbs at drinking spots.
In this Covid-19 era, it is also common to find people selling sanitisers and hand-made face masks. However, steep increases in the cost of beer in recent weeks are threatening to steal the glitter from beer drinking.
Prices have shot through the roof, making DDOs (Daily Drinking Officers) seriously think of staying at home observing lockdown rules.
Prohibitive prices have also boosted demand for moonshine and other illicit brews that have serious health implications for imbibers.
While beer makes people merry, it is critical to observe the law and avoid behaviour that endangers life.
Inotambika mughetto.
