Wife wants to make me the maid

I have a big problem, life has changed for the worst for me in the last three years. I am 38 and my wife is 35. We have been married for over a decade and are blessed with two boys and a girl.

I had an executive job with a private company and we used to enjoy an upmarket lifestyle. The company closed down because of the harsh economic conditions ariko mazuva ano. It is not easy to come from plenty to having to make do with almost nothing. I am a professional and I am not built for kiya-kiya.

My wife is now the main breadwinner. It is not easy to be in the situation I am in now. My wife is a PA to some male boss at an NGO.

She has totally forgotten that when the going was good it was me who catered to her needs. Now she treats me serombe. She adores her boss and she mentions him in each and every conversation. I have tried to come up with different projects but it is like I am cursed and nothing ever takes off.

Kuchengetwa nemukadzi huranda kana hunhapwa chaiwo. I am the one now doing the school run and I have to explain why petrol has gone down too quickly. When she asks me to go and buy things she wants me to keep the receipts so that she crosschecks.

When our kids come to ask that I buy things for them, she laughs and tells them to tell mummy if they are serious.

The other day I overheard her tell one of her friends that ari kurarama sechirikadzi.

My parents have a farm and nothing much is coming from there. My wife even suggested that I go and stay with my parents instead of kutevedza mastreet aimlessly.

My heart bleeds amai, my wife has forgotten what sacrifices I made for her. Even the education she boasts about today, I am the one who sent her to school when I married her.

Now she travels with her boss whenever he goes for workshops, zvanzi ibasa. I am heartbroken.

I love my kids but the treatment I am getting from my wife makes me think of leaving. Please advise me wisely, should I go and stay with my parents or not?

Ndikaenda handidzoke. She is really pushing me against the wall. She has even suggested that we fire the maid then I do the house chores. Ndadadirwa, zvakwana.

Response

In Shona we say “kukanganwa chazuro nehope”. I think this is the situation that your wife is in.

She has forgotten where she came from. She is not excluded from any problems you may be facing because you are one in marriage. She should not send wrong messages to the kids by implying that you are a useless father. You talk about projects not taking off, most take a bit of time to take shape. Try not to always expect instant results.

Branch into things that you have a passion for first before you even think about the money you can make. It is not easy to transition from a king to a jack, many people find it very hard to make this adjustment.

Doing the school run should give you a lot of fulfilment, not embarrassment.

I think your wife needs help, she seems to be living in the past. She must accept reality and work towards helping her family. She may adore the boss but the truth is he just remains her boss. She should not create a situation where you think something is going on.

I do not understand why all of a sudden she hero worships her boss. Yes, it is good to have a professional relationship but bringing him into each and every conversation is uncalled for.

People who truly love each other and respect their marriage will be there for each other even when the chips are down.

Mangwana ndinhasi, the winds of change may blow again in your favour — then what will happen?

Do not paint all women with the same brush. There are so many out there looking after their husbands and kids day in and day out. I urge you not to go and stay at the farm. You belong with your family.

Your wife is taking it a bit too far. If the reason for letting the maid go is because she can no longer afford her, there is a better way of saying it. It should be a collective decision not hers alone. I think you need to speak to a counsellor who will revisit why people marry in the first place and walk you through the values of marriage.

Do not lose hope. It is just a bad patch in your life and it will pass. With prayer all things are possible. Pray over this and God will grant you your heart’s desires. I wish you all the best.

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  • nelson moyo

    You sound a whiner to me – maybe your wife should kick you in the buttocks and you should go and find a job. Any job that brings in the money however little is better than sitting at home crying about your status. Many people are in the same wheelbarrow comrade.
    Farming is not to scoffed at and look at how much money the tobacco growers are raking in today without the deduction of tax – but importantly you must understand that maybe you are not as valuable as you first thought you were. Often a self look in the mirror can jolt us out of these dreams and get to work ASAP !

  • Chandunga

    That is the problem we have in life with what I call “chancers” in life who all of a sudden find themselves in a better situation and suddenly start abusing it. On the same note, maybe this guy also used to do likewise and these become sour grapes. Today’s woman are never forgiving, they believe in retribution always and the feeling is once wronged one day a befitting punishment should be meted accordingly to the wrong-doer. However, it is very unfortunate that this woman has chosen to take this path of belittling her husband and just like the advise from Amai Chisamba, winds of change might turn against her not so long and with the turbulence of NGO’s stability she might find her job on the rocks as well. If we could track this story it would definitely give us a nice movie script.

  • Sis Dolly

    I read this with such regret. I am a woman and the reality is many of us are having to share in more of the load financially if not being the bread winners. This is what life has become, if you cannot do it with dignity then you are not worth the salt. For this woman she is shameless. What about covering for your man. When you had nothing, clearly he made an investment to ensure you got somewhere, possibly even his family frowned on you as well as people…possibly you were the one who was being said she’s there on a joy ride, he raises you up and now this.

    My brother, like Mai Chisamba says kids run’s can become such a great building ground for you and your kids. Develop and grow your relationship. Be thankful kuti vana are at school.

    As for starting something, you know farming is not so bad a place to start. yes its capital intensive, but here’s the trick, don’t start by wanting to be big farmers like everyone else. Go simple, grow your 500-1000 and space them, 200 with a 3 week differential thereby ensuring your not tying money at once and you have enough crop to see you through say 3 months of harvesting. That way ma funds ahana havo kuwanda but you can start and grow. It will also mean your own funds. Rise up young man.

    Don’t look outside to friends and families, each house is different, chakafukidza dzimba matenga. tese tese takadaro people just don’t talk about it, but the fight is real.

    Emotional abuse is what she does when she de-masculine’s her husband, hard for you, she possibly thinks by saying that she is pushing your to be motivated someway….sadly not, maybe just be honest and say I feel like I am competing for you with this man, hear what she says and take it from there.

    talking about communication, part of all this you are facing can be solved with a simple lets talk about it. remember not in the bedroom, not before sex and certainly not when she’s just made a comment. Take time even if its a simple Saturday makagara pamba and raise it. Don’t say I didn’t treat you like this – I know temptation with be high to remind one another but rather, look at what this is doing now and how it affects you. Talking will also give you a perspective of where she is.