Wife is a control freak

I am a man in my mid-50s; married with two children. My problem is that my wife does not take advice from me no matter how much I try to make her listen.

She is advised by outsiders and mostly by her elder sister. She has temper tantrums and I am of sober habits. She socialises with other women but she does not want me to socialise with other men. She knows I like playing soccer but I have since stopped playing just to stop the quarrels that arise from me going out and playing.

When we delve into critical issues concerning the family, I often let her have the final say just to control her temper.

I can feel her love when I am not at home but I sometimes doubt it when I arrive home. She is a control freak and she is very strict to the extent that our children have no social life. I am afraid that as soon as the children become adults they might just disappear for good.

My second issue has to do nemombe yehumai. I want to know kuti mombe yehumai inobviswa kangani zvekare masungiro anoitwa kangani pamunhu mumwe chete?

As a parting remark, please compile a book about your social commentary. There is a lot that will benefit our future generations when both you and me are gone.

This publication will fill the gap that already exists due to urbanisation and the continued erosion of our cultural ideals. I bet it will save a lot of souls. I also enjoy your TV programmes. Ask for more time on your slots to ensure that participants can exhaust their ideas on a given topic. I applaud all the excellent work you are doing. Keep it up!

Response

I feel sorry that your wife still behaves like a teenager. Temper tantrums are usually a trait synonymous with youngsters who cannot handle pressure or a view different from their own.

In Shona we have an adage which says, “Zano unopangwa unerako”.

When people are married it is good for them to give each other advice honestly. At times advice is sought from outside but if it concerns the couple it is wiser to debate amongst yourselves and come up with your own way forward.

The type of advice from her sister seems biased. The fact that she is not improving says it all. If truth be told maiguru is interfering in your marital affairs. Why does she not speak to you as well?

Your wife should understand that you are her counterpart and not one of the children. What is her reason for not wanting you to socialise with other men and yet she feels the need to be with other women at times?

Selfishness has no room in a functional marriage.

You only live once and you should enjoy life. It seems you are walking on eggshells to keep your wife happy.

Please rope in a professional counsellor who will work with you both. It seems your wife has forgotten the values of marriage. She is not under your feet but she must give you your place as the head of family.

She seems very controlling according to your letter. This is very bad because in the end she will lose her family. The kids will disown her when they grow up because no one wants to be pinned down forever.

As the father please help and let the children enjoy a normal life kwete kuvapinza muhondo dzenyu.

Mombe yehumai nemasungiro zvinoitwa kamwechete.

And thank you so much for suggesting that I compile a book based on my social commentary extracts. I am really humbled and I will definitely think about that.

I will be happy to hear from you again. I see you are a big fan and you follow me on different platforms, God bless.

Drunk won’t marry me

I have a problem with my husband. I am a 24-year-old woman and the mother of a two-year-old son. My husband is the type of a man who drinks anything called alcohol.

You cannot plan anything with him because more than half the time he is drunk. He comes home way past midnight, just before dawn breaks he rushes to his marital home. He is always in a hurry, I do not know how he survives on the roads and how he concentrates at work. If I do not ask for child support he does not give me anything.

When he comes to my place he brings just enough like kahupfu, kanyama, tumiriwo etc and this guy loves his food — anokara zvekuti.

I had agreed to be his second wife since he is already married but he does not want to pay lobola to my parents. He says the money he pays for my rentals is the money he put aside for my budget.

I live in the ghetto and he pays only US$50 per month for the room I use hakusi kutsvinya here uku?

Last week he beat me up because I had complained that he never spends a whole night at my place. He comes late as I stated above but he is here for only an hour or two then he drives to his home.

He behaves like a young kid and yet he is 43. His first born is almost my age but haanyare mufunge.

Amai, do you think there is any hope of a marriage between me and this guy? Life is really tough and in most cases I cannot make ends meet. I am not employed but zvese izvozvo haazvione. What do I do to better my situation because this is now getting on my nerves?

Response

If you are an avid follower you should know that I do not encourage people to call their boyfriends/girlfriends —husbands/wives.

You call this man your husband but you know the truth that he is not. This is a major problem because you end up misleading yourself. Zvemahara zvinoparira.

This guy has no right to beat you up whatsoever. You should have reported this violent behaviour to the police. I know you did not do that because in your mind you think he was justified.

Go to a civil court and claim for child support and if he does not adhere to whatever the court will have decided, he will be brought to book. I will be very honest with you: it is not easy to depend on someone else’s spouse. You are right — you cannot plan anything with him while this arrangement is in place.

You sound so desperate; day in and day out you wait indefinitely for a boyfriend who jumps in your bed for an hour then disappears.

Zvanyanyoita seiko vasikana? Where is your pride? This man is disturbing your sleep and peace. Think of your child. Although, he is only two-years-old he sees all the rubbish. Please protect the child.

I always say please do not rush to have a family. Children from such set-ups suffer more than their parents. I hope you are not going to have a second child with him. He is cheating on his wife with you and you still want him to marry you.

The adage says “shiri ine muririro wayo hairegedze”. Do you think he will stop this kind of ruthless, irresponsible behaviour? He might have a chain of girlfriends and love triangles are filthy in the wake of disease like HIV and Aids and other STIs.

Wofira kurojerwa kaspare room ke US$50 here? You are worth much more than that.

I cannot believe you would want such a man to marry you. You are young, beautiful and full of potential. Leave this guy alone and close this ugly chapter. Move on and get something to do. Unofira mafufu segonzo.

You are a woman; do you ever think of his wife and children? In my view there is no hope of a marriage and mese muri two hamunyare. If you really want to better your life walk away from this darkness and never look back. You have what it takes, you can stand on your own. Go girl, go! Pray for your situation sincerely.

***

‘Mum’ wants to skip my wedding

Mai Chisamba, I follow your column religiously. At times you refer to situations as a catch-22. Now I am in such or slightly worse situation and I do not know how to get out of it.

My parents met at university, had a whirlwind romance and I was born. The story is they agreed not to get married since they were two different people and this was mutual. When I was three years-old my mother left Zimbabwe and I was left in my father’s custody. He married a wonderful woman who loved and cared for me in a special way.

Many people who do not know about the family history think she is my biological mother.

The long and short of my story is my mother is back. She is married and has two children in their early 20s. My step-dad is a great man, I am grateful to God for there is peace and understanding among all these people. I got married last year and my white wedding is in August. The catch-22 is my step-mum does not want my biological mother to come to the wedding. She never had any children of her own and she does not want people to know this. Only the inner circle knows that she is a step-mum. She is running around preparing for my great day and has used her personal resources to make this a success. People are congratulating her from all corners.

I am so humbled but I can never agree to what she wants. My father and vanatete have tried to talk to her but she will not understand. Hanzi if my mother comes she will bunk my wedding. My biological mother says she will come with her head held high to her daughter’s wedding. She is coming with her husband and my siblings and her family.

I do not know what to do. Both of them are my mothers and I love them. My husband’s family is concerned about this so much. How do we come out of this clean and make everyone happy?

Response

Thank you for following my column.

God has blessed you, I can tell you have a very good background. I salute your parents who were true to themselves. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and they had a mutual agreement not to get married.

Your step-mum has done a sterling job raising you as her own child. Yes, she deserves to be called your mother. In our culture, bringing up a child is greater than giving birth to him/her.

But she is now going off-track after having done so well; vakuda kuputsa chirongo vasvika. There is no way your biological mother can stay away from your wedding. She must accept that. I think she just needs to work on her attitude. Havasi pachipari, havana kumbonetsana saka what is her problem?

They both should attend your wedding, the two great women in your life. You know it can be done in style referring to you as the girl with two great mothers. If she is not listening to your father’s family then engage a professional counsellor to help her understand.

I am surprised that she is the one starting this; it should have been your biological mother – not her.

Weddings are happy family occasions so she should not spoil this. She would want the family at large to respect her even after the wedding so she must not start unnecessary fights.

Your father as head of family should put his foot down and stop this petty behaviour. He should tell her that the wedding will go according to plan, whether or not she is there. Your father has accepted that your mother comes with her husband and family saka ivo vaitwa sei? Let us see how the counselling sessions go but if she insists then she can stay away on the day. She is the only one trying to complicate such simple and straight-forward arrangements.

Pray for your wedding and your family. I wish you all the best.

Write to [email protected] and WhatsApp +263771415747.

5,818 total views, no views today