The Sunday Mail
Apostle Kanyati Matrimonial Hub —
THE real secret to lasting romance lies in learning how to navigate our relationships with skill rather than leaving them to chance or habit. In life, it’s true that one needs the right partner.
I have had some young people say pastor, pray for me so that I will have the right partner. But I want to say finding the right person is important but not as crucial an ingredient to long-lasting romance as knowing how to foster and cultivate love in our relationships.
Most couples enter into relationships with poor skills for maintaining them and highly unrealistic expectations. The fairytale romances we are fed, where seemingly mystical forces bring two people together and they live happily-ever-after with little apparent effort, put our lives in the hands of fate and leave us powerless.
Couples need to have an attitude of true mutuality.
A couple can only be as happy as both members are happy. The needs of the couple are prioritized over individual needs and the safety and security of the relationship comes first. Without this agreement, neither can really thrive.
Partners must protect each other
Patners must have each other’s backs. There is no “throwing each other under the bus” to look good in front of friends and family, at your partner’s expense.
This attitude of mutual protection is an essential ingredient of a strong marriage because it creates the safety and security needed to feel that your relationship is a safe haven and a place to turn to for comfort and care. Learn the “owner’s manual” on your partner and visa versa.
In other words, you know what will make your partner sad or happy, what will soothe or aggravate them, what will turn them on, what will calm them down, what will reassure them, etc. Partners must become experts on each other.
The ability to create and foster a secure attachment
Couples who enjoy the benefits of secure attachment know that they can handle any conflict without fear of detachment. They always wave the flag of friendliness, admiration and appreciation in order to avoid war. They use attraction and invitations, not fear or threats, to navigate needs.
They have an increased ability to play. They get their energy and courage to face the world from each other. While “love” is the starting point in any relationship, it is not sufficient to sustain it.
“Love” is at first a biological, chemical and hormonal experience of attachment and infatuation for another person. This lasts anywhere from a few months to about two to three years.
Put bluntly, this biological infatuation stage exists to ensure that two people can stand being around each other long enough to reproduce. Love after the infatuation stage is a mindset of commitment and respect for the other person that is not always butterflies and rainbows and the ability to behave consistently with this mindset.
A feeling of love is not sufficient to sustain a happy relationship long term. There must also be behaviors consistent with commitment and respect. As your marital love matures, the intense romantic feelings you had for each other initially will sometimes fade, because they have already accomplished their purpose of getting you all to focus on each other.
Going forward in your marriage, build your love on the commitment you and your spouse made to each other, which is much more reliable than your feelings.
Deal with your bitterness
We all have bad days, it’s understandable. However, it’s in your best interest to try and be happy and positive. No one wants to hang around with a negative individual.
In general, we are drawn to people who are happy and radiate a positive energy. Wake up with a smile, express gratitude, see the good in your life and in your relationship. This will not only help you in your relationship, but it will make your life better.
Most importantly, trust God to lead you well into an unknown future. You and your husband or wife can’t possibly know what future circumstances you all will encounter during your lives together but God knows.
No matter what happens to you all in the future – good or bad, place your trust fully in God to guide you through it all. Every day, ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom, so you will both know how best to deal with each situation you encounter. Enjoy your marriage.
Apostle Kanyati is the president and founder of Zoe Life Changing Ministries and Grace Unlimited Interdenominational.
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