Political clowns, dumb election promises

How about creating a Ministry of National Entertainment in the President’s Office after the 2018 elections?

Or establishing the “Fruit Authority of Zimbabwe,” a state-controlled enterprise whose mandate will be to create fruit forests across Zimbabwe?

In the New Patriotic Front’s election manifesto, the political party promises that if voted into power, it will “eliminate all work-related deaths and all road accidents.”

The party promises to eradicate “all” accidents “through timeous dualisation of all major roads and fashioning of air travel.”

The meaning of “fashioning air travel” is an incoherent rumble that not many people can make sense of.

These are some of the odd election promises to Zimbabweans as the election season reaches fever pitch.

To lighten up the election season, we take a closer look at some of the election promises.

With more than 120 political parties and a horde of independent candidates seeking the often elusive political glory, it is only natural to have unusual characters among the candidates.

After perusing some of the political parties’ election manifestos, one might be tempted to conclude that some of the candidates might be suffering from chronic mental and personality disorders.

The forthcoming harmonised elections have, to a larger extent, revealed that politics might, in a way, become a circus, with some political clowns daring to run for office.

The weird promises say it all.

A glance at the New Patriotic Front’s election manifesto leaves one wondering whether it is a serious political outfit or a drama club.

Apart from proposing the “Ministry of Entertainment” and the “fruits forest”, the NPF promises “100 percent access to a balanced diet to all citizens.

The NPF says it will guarantee food on the table for every Zimbabwean, with each family having a breakfast comprising “at least an egg, beacon (bacon) and milk.”

It further promises to reduce the unemployment rate to below one percent in five years and to “improve life expectancy to above 80 years in 10 years.”

How the party, which also states that it will introduce “scientific leadership”, will be able to achieve this incredible feat, is not articulated in the manifesto.

The party further seeks to “break the Air force of Zimbabwe, the Zimbabwe Republic Police and bourgeoisie monopoly in air travel.”

One wonders how the ZRP is involved in air travel.

Mrs Violet Mariyacha, the leader of the United Democracy Movement, is also one of the most fascinating characters who have thrown their hats into the political ring.

Addressed by her handful of supporters as “Her Excellency,” she prefers to call herself “SheJoshua” as she equates herself to the Biblical Joshua.

Devine Mhambi-Hove, the leader of the Nationalists Alliance of Patriotic and Democratic Republicans (NAPDR), has brought in new political terminology.

According to Mhambi-Hove, the NAPDR is a grouping of nationalists, patriots, democrats and republicans.

How this diverse grouping, with often conflicting views, came to agree and reach a compromise is anyone’s guess.

Mhambi-Hove introduces a new political ideology, which he calls “Aurocadism”. His supporters are called “Aurocads.”

As if taking a cue from the NPF, Mhambi-Hove rattles on as he defines the party ideology.

“Aurocadism is the use of laws, statutes, policies administrative power/influence of a government and the natural resources of a country with a bias towards triggering into economic participation the former marginalised and the beneficiaries of the colonial system…..”

Calling the party ideology a “Devine” or “God’s strategy”, Mhambi-Hove equates his imaginary rise to power to how the biblical wall of Jericho fell.

The party somehow confirms the absurdness of its ideology.

“Our strategy may seem foolish, laughable and ridiculous but it is a strategy of God,” Mhambi-Hove wrote.

The #1980 Freedom Movement, which has code named the elections “Operation David,” is led by two interesting characters.

One of the party’s co-leaders, Francis Danha, had the state of his mental health questioned after he disrupted proceedings of a multi-party liason committee.

Standing on a chair, Danha called for the resignation of Justice Priscilla Chigumba, chairperson of the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission.

Melbah Dzapasi, the other #1980 Freedom Movement leader, sensationally claimed in her “Freedom Speech” that she is a spirit medium.

Zimbabwe Partnership for Prosperity leader Dr Blessing Kasiyamhuru has also promised a “spiritual intelligence-inspired $200 billion economy”.

As Zimbabweans go to the polls, voters need to take heed of Theodore Roosevelt, an author and former president of the United States who wrote, “A vote is like a rifle: its usefulness depends upon the usefulness of the user.”

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