Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Wife or demon?

Wife or demon?

I HAVE been married for the past 10 years and we have been blessed with three beautiful children, two boys and a girl. I am a very disappointed man because I feel shortchanged by my church. I am one of those guys vakasangana nenjodzi yekuti you must marry from the church. I complied and was given a very wrong impression about this woman who is now my wife.

Mai vanopopota kani ava. I feel sorry for my kids because half the time they see their mother in a foul mood. I have done the opposite, I submitted to her thinking this would bring peace but ngoma ndiyo ndiyo. I literally do not touch her money unless aita something nekuda kwake. Our difference is like cheese and chalk, I want to opt out. We are two different people, the church forced us into this relationship but now vanetawo naye.

If she goes to visit her mother in Chihota ndinotozoona nekusadzoka kuti heya ndozvavafunga.

We rarely travel in the same car because kunenge kuri kungotukana chete.

Mai Chisamba, please help for the sake of my kids. As for me I think I am done, kuchurch ndatove neseveral weeks ndisingaende.

Response

Thank you for writing in. My heart bleeds when I read sad letters like this one, especially from youngsters who have only been married for ten years.

Life is about you not them, so don’t cry foul and say the church is responsible for your misery. Love is very personal, kana zviri zvekudanana hapana mumwe munhu anonzwa zvaunonzwa iwe inside except yourself so no one can do it on your behalf, not even the pastor or a relative. I personally think that this idea of compelling people to marry from the same church or clan or whatever can be very tricky.

It’s a human right to choose your spouse because marriage is a lifetime commitment and love plays a pivotal role in this institution.

When people are in love they have a way of solving their problems amicably.

They work as a tag team against whatever crosses their path and they always feel for each other. Ko zvekupopotera zvacho vanozviwanepi all the time? You talked about the church, why didn’t they take you through premarital counseling, it helps because you get to know more about your would-be spouse.

You dated for how long? I am shocked by the comparison you make – cheese and chalk – this means you are worlds apart.

In your letter there is only one positive thing that you showed concern about, vana vako.

Makorokoto for being a caring father, your beloved children’s lives depend on the background you give them.

This means we have a starting point and this includes your wife because she is part and parcel of this.

I don’t want to pass the buck and blame your wife or the church, let’s try and map a way forward.

Your marriage is dysfunctional but it’s not too late to work on it. You both need professional therapy, it really helps.

The counselor will help you understand what your religion and marriage is all about nekuti zvamuri kuita hazvisi zvechi Kristu kana zvevanhu vari muwanano. Your marriage lacks respect, love, peace and maturity.

Ivo mai pavanobhidhirika kudai iwe unenge waitawo sei?

Remember it takes two to tango.

I am not saying she is right given what you have written about but it’s just an observation.

Lastly, even if you are no longer going to church continue to pray for your family and marriage. Please keep in touch, I wish you all the best.

***

Marriage ultimatum: What is love about?

 

I hope I find you well. I have been going out with a guy for the past four years. I thought we were on the same chapter as far as love was concerned. I thought we were a perfect match. Our parents and neighbourhood know us as the inseparable love birds.

We are both career people, hatinyadzise kana kahupenyu kedu kakanaka. To cut a long story short I got the shock of my life a few weeks ago pandakabvunza kuti when would he propose for marriage. He looked straight into my eyes and said I have nothing against you as a person but marriage, no. I don’t want to be a prisoner all my life, zvinorema izvi.

I could not believe this, it seemed like a bad dream. I love this guy with all my heart, he is my life. He says 90 percent of married people he knows have marital problems and he does not want to join that club. The reason why I have written to you is to seek advice, he has given me an ultimatum. He says I should make up my mind that by end of August, I should give him a conclusive answer. He says he loves me but does not want us to get married, kana ndichida kuroorwa then ndosiyana naye. He is 26 and I am 24. I am confused but I love him. I just cannot let him go, I cannot turn my back on him, he makes me tick. Marriage would be meaningless if I do not marry him asi ndodawo imba yangu. Ndibatsireiwo.

Response

Wow indeed you are in love, this is the feeling and experience that one gets if you are truly in love. Maybe he doesn’t know that you already have the remedy – as long as your love is genuine he won’t be part of that doomed club he is talking about. Each relationship and each marriage is unique so there is no need to fear and to compare. Don’t lose heart, it shall be well. I think your boyfriend is scared of the responsibilities that come with a marriage. He is not looking at the bright side of wanano, instead he is looking and reading too much into things like divorce statistics, gender based violence and other negative forces. Tell him you love him, I know the rest will fall into place. Don’t put him under pressure, very soon munenge mochemerana kana time to part yasvika. Marriage will announce its arrival at God’s appointed time.

You can join other happy youthful couples’ clubs at church or wherever, this will encourage you more. Discuss finances and how one can build up, maybe at the back of his mind he is thinking of things like lobola. Keep the fire burning, the late mukoma Biggy Tembo used to sing, “Rega kuponja”, I don’t know whether you were born yet but the meaning is still powerful.

I have a feeling that he is your soul mate but just give him time, you are both still young. It doesn’t help kungonowira pane anenge oti ndoroora ipo pasina rudo, just hold your horses.

Pray sincerely for your relationship, God will do the rest and the best for you. Tell him your love goes beyond August, the month he gave for the ultimatum, yours will stand until the end of eternity. Imbomuudzawo nemutauro wedu une simba kuti ndinokuda sembabvu dzemhene. I wish you all the best.

***

He has no

respect for me

Thank you for this platform where we can pour our hearts out. I have been married to my husband for the past seven years but this man has no respect for me.

Believe it or not he has taken a second wife and has paid lobola for her in full, ini akangobvisa tsvakirai kuno chete. Now it’s like I don’t exist, this new wife is pampered and well taken care of.

When I go to his rural home he brings to our urban homestead other girlfriends and they sleep in my bed, kuita here uku?

In our culture I know the husband consults the first wife for approval, in my case this was not done.

Hama dzake dzakutomhanya mhanya kwazvo navanyachide ava. I have two kids, a boy and a girl, this has affected them negatively because they hardly see their father now.

From the look of things it seems my husband loves the second wife more. Ko ndozvinoitwa barika here izvozvo inga vamwe vanoitirwa maduty wani. It’s only fair to share the husband but I don’t see him that much anymore. Please help. How do I go about this?

Response

Thank you so much for writing in. I feel so sorry for you and your kids.

It’s very sad when these relationships or marriages affect the wellbeing of children.

They are innocent and they do not choose to be born under these terrible circumstances. I always say and I will repeat this – please do not create families you cannot take good care of, it’s wicked.

If he neglects his children please go to court, he should pay child support.

You should also come up with an arrangement whereby he spends sometime with the children, it’s their right.

Your fights should never affect the children.

Now about you, it’s very unfortunate that you have spent seven precious years with a man who did not marry you. The truth is manga muchibika mapoto maito mutandadza achinyatsotsvaga waanoda.

Tsvakirai kuno is not lobola, it is just a notification to your parents that you are staying with a man somewhere. Technically your husband does not have two wives, he has one.

Akabvisirwa pfuma is the official wife, maybe that’s why she has been accepted by his family.

Akanobvisawo pfuma kwenyu ndimi munenge matova mainini nekuti mutsika dzedu kuroorwa kubvisirwa pfuma, rusambo is the bride price. I feel sorry for you but this is the naked truth, I suspect he does not respect your bedroom because he did not commit.

It’s unfair that he used you and wasted your time, I hope he will get this matter properly sorted out.

My advice to you and other readers is nyaya yekutizira haina kunaka in most cases it’s the woman who is disadvantaged. We have an adage which says mandikurumidze akazvara mandinonoke.

Don’t put pressure on your would-be husband or wife, wait for God’s appointed time. The other problem now is it’s up to him to decide to carry on with two women on not. Talk to responsible people like his family sahwiras and sekurus kuti nyaya iyi inga fambiswa sei. Remember to always pray for situations like these, God will do whatever is best for you. I hope to hear from you again.

Wish you all the best.

Please Note: Mudzimba is a counselling column for The Sunday Mail. If you write in, please note that your letter may be published in this publication at my discretion. Therefore, all those who write in must be prepared to have their problems published.

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