The Sunday Mail
Torn between hubby, boyfriend
MAI CHISAMBA, thank you for this platform.
I am a young lady aged 24 and a cross border trader. I was married but was recently divorced. Someone ane moyo wakashata saw my picture with my boyfriend in my phone and forwarded that picture to my hubby. He did not say anything to me, he called elders from both our families and showed them that photo.
Akabva andipa gupuro akati haachada nezvangu. I was lucky my boyfriend said let’s continue, we are so much in love and he takes good care of me. In terms of love and resources this one is better. My former husband’s relatives were very bitter about what I did vakanditi usadzokezve because if you do you will die. My problem now is I don’t know what to do, my husband is calling me back and my boyfriend is saying no.
The other problem is I was pregnant when I left maybe that’s why he wants me back. Please help, should I go back? Ko ndikadzokera hama dzake hadzindiuraye here? Apa boyfriend haina chayakatadza ndomurasisa here?
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Response
Thank you for reading my column and for writing in. I don’t even know how to start and how to advice a woman like you. I don’t know what has gotten into the young crop of this generation.
This is abnormal but I doubt if this ever crosses your mind. You are only 24 and carrying a baby, I am shocked to say the least. A married woman going out with a boyfriend and having photographs taken, why?
In this case who is the father of the unborn baby? Do you realise how important and precious the baby is? You need to be in a stable relationship or marriage for the sake of your child, remember good upbringing plays a pivotal role in everyone’s life.
Your husband sent you packing in front of your two families akati haachada nezvako so what has dramatically changed that he wants you back?
If you follow the news a lot of domestic violence is being perpetrated because of such acts, think before you act. Life is about you not them, I see you are worried about his relatives who are baying for your blood ko iwe wega zvawakaita unozviona sei?
You proved unfaithful to your husband and you are still in love with your boyfriend but in this letter you are asking whether you should go back to hubby and dump the boyfriend. These are people with emotions don’t be in a habit of breaking other people’s hearts. For now it may look as if each of these two guys is dying to be with you, this is sending wrong messages nekuti waakufunga kuti uri pademand usingaronge upenyu.
Jumping from your boyfriend’s bed into your former husband’s is both unbecoming and very unhealthy in the wake of diseases like HIV and AIDS.
In your letter you are comparing your hubby with your boyfriend, this is wrong, in life your spouse is your final choice. You need a bit of growing up and it should be soon because baby is on his/her way. It’s unfortunate
if you are staying with the boyfriend because you didn’t mention that in this letter. My advice is for now quit love and prepare for the child.
After the child is born please go for DNA tests to establish who the father is because there is a lot of drama here. I know you are a major but I still recommend parental guidance, you desperately need it.
Rejected and lonely
Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. I am a 26-year-old and a mother of one.
My husband has always cheated on me, we married under Chapter 5.11, our married life has never been happy, nguva zhinji i stress yoga. I asked his brothers to intervene but they wouldn’t dare. I went back home to tell my own tete and she said ndizvo zvinoita dzimba dzinotoshingirirwa.
Beginning of last year my husband told me that he no longer had any feelings for me so I should pack and go. I asked for gupuro as is our custom but he said his decision stands and was more important than the gupuro I was asking for. We share the same bedroom but ever since he has never touched me, he does not speak to me at all and when he does anenge achitoda mari chete. Mai Chisamba, I feel lost and rejected this is killing me.
Mind you my husband is a very sober guy, he does not drink or smoke, his weakness is vakadzi chete. This type of environment is not good for our child. Please help you are my last hope hama dzandiregerera, ndodiniko? For how long am I going to wait for gupuro?
Response
I am very well thank you for asking. At 26 you are going through thick and thin, it’s very sad. My heart bleeds when some of our young fellows say they never experience happiness and comfort in their marriages. The crop of vanatete that we have add salt to injury.
How can she say ndizvo zvinoita dzimba shingirira without even trying to give counsel? For your information marriages are supposed to be happy institutions of love, peace and respect. I understand how you feel it’s like the whole world has given up on you. Family members who care about the wellbeing of their offspring and siblings will not stand aside whilst all this is taking place. You are right, it’s a terrible environment for baby kuita vabereki vasingafadzane.
This guy is not treating you fairly, how can he just wake up and say he has lost his feelings for you? What triggered this? You are supposed to be the love of his life because he chose and married you. Your hubby should not play with your emotions. Zvinhu zvakanaka hazviitwe zvekushingirirwa.
My advice is please rope in a professional counsellor who will speak to the two of you as soon as possible. I know your husband is just ignoring you but it doesn’t solve anything iwewe you are waiting for gupuro when will this be. You are both wasting your time. Your husband also needs to be reminded of diseases like HIV and AIDS, nyaya yechipfambi iyi haina shasha.
Drinking and smoking may not be the best but womanising is one of the worst vices. You can also use the law to protect yourself, 5:11 is for one spouse not multiple. In the meantime work with a counsellor. Pray for your family there is immense power in prayer. I wish you all the best.
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Marriage in hell
Thank you so much for publishing my letter.
Mai Chisamba, zvimwe munyama chaiwo kana kuti jambwa. Ini neanova mudzimai wangu yakangova wanano isina rudo kana kuzivana. She was the girl next door and used to joke kuti ndichakuroora. Unfortunately one day I went drinking and babamukuru vake, husband to her sister bought lots of beer for me. They stayed together then.
He left me with more pints to drink and knocked off very late and drunk. I got to my lodgings and slept soundly only to be disturbed by a vehicle sound and later a knock. I opened the door and to my surprise the girl was there with a monarch. I drunkenly let her in. The next morning when I sobered up I told I her it could not be. The answer was you should have said that yesterday. That was the beginning of my hell on earth. Was stuck to her and later left everything I had, running away from her.
We could not click despite all my efforts and acceptance of my predicament. We operate from different hemispheres like East is to West. She later tracked me with her mum and a friend told me to accept lest I face all the death threats heaped on me.
I accepted but my mother was against it. We all felt cheated. Now four kids down the line that were never planned together, she is getting worse. Always moody and no love word from her mouth ever since. She won yet I still feel shortchanged. She does not like my friends, humiliates me in public, cheated me out of my money almost a thousand in the name of getting mathematics.
I paid lobola for this woman. She does not help me in anyway always critical of whatever I do. Night time she snores like a pig disturbing my sleep. I’m always sleepy at work. Mai Chisamba, I’m so frustrated I could strangle her to free myself. What should I do?
Stick on till I die from stress, go to the courts or the disappearing game again. I’m a professional man and reside at my work place but this indifference is taking its toll on my life and work. Please help for I’m confused. Mum is no more and I feel lost and confused
Response
I don’t understand when one talks about a marriage without love. How on earth does one get into such? Two adults each with five working senses? Oh God forbid. Your excuse is you were trapped by being given lots of beer, what about the sober woman? You thought you were joking by constantly saying ndichakuroora, these other guys took your word for it and hatched a plan which unfortunately worked in their favour.
According to your letter you were hopelessly drunk, ko how did you manage to have sex with this girl in that stupor? You shouldn’t have taken her into your home in the first place, it’s so sad that you describe this union as hell on earth. People should only get married if they love each other.
The worst is you created a family you once ran away from and you still intend doing so. How did you sire four kids in such a marriage? You are talking about what other people said, for instance, your mother said no from the very first time, after you ran away your friend advised you to take her back because of the death threats ko iwe sedungamunhu waiti kudiiko?
You were never true to yourself that’s why you are in this predicament. Why did you pay lobola for a woman you never loved? Kuda doro remahara kwakakupinzai munyatwa yeupenyu hwese. I hear your frustration and I feel sorry for your entire family for I know this affects even the innocent kids as well.
It’s unfortunate she snores like a pig and disturbs your sleep but when she wakes up you have sex with her, that’s why you have kids. My advice is don’t run away, face the music, rope in a professional counsellor who will talk to you both. There is a lot of bitterness in this union so bvumiranai namai zvamunoda kuti zviitike pakati penyu. I plead don’t strangle her and never entertain such thoughts, they are murderous munofira mujeri, remember she will always be the mother of your children. It’s one life it should never be wasted in this way. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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