Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: She now drinks like a fish

She now drinks like a fish

Mai Chisamba, thank you so much for your column, I enjoy reading it so much. My problem is self-inflicted and I regret it. I really don’t know how to come out of this one.

We have been married for 10 years now and we have two sons. When I married her she was a non-drinker so each time I had an alcoholic drink I would persuade her to take a sip or two.

To begin with she hated booze because of the sour taste. I would go out of my way to buy sweet wines for her. I enjoyed kakufara nekakushereketa kaaiita kana adhakwa, little did I know that I was inviting real problems into my home.

Mai Chisamba, kana ini ndakamudzidzisa handinwe zvakadaro. She is always drunk and always drinking. I tried to talk to her and she said “wakandidzidzisa ndiwe so don’t complain”.

I regret and I feel sad. Last week I was disturbed when one of my kids said “tiendesei kwagogo, mama vanogara vachingonwa doro”.

At times she wakes up during the night to just have a drink. I spoke to her tete vakatopindurawo rough kuti zvedoro chikoro chekumusha kwenyu, isu takapereka mukadzi wako asingadhakwe.

Deep down I want to send her packing but I feel guilty since it is because of me that she has gone to waste. Please help me save my marriage and family, ndarumwa nechekuchera.

Response

Thank you for writing in. When a problem or something disturbs the kids then it should be attended to promptly. Naturally many kids are attached to their mothers but in your case they prefer gogo to amai, that’s very sad.

Too much of anything is no good. I don’t want to judge you because no one has a right to do that unless it is in court. So many couples in the comfort of their homes eat, drink and do so many other things.

Vamwe vanoroorwa kana kuroora vasingadye chimwe chinhu asi vozonochionera mberi. I think your wife is abusing alcohol and there is no excuse for that, this has nothing to do with whoever introduced her to drinking.

She just is irresponsible, she must think of her health and her family. I also think tete’s answer is off track; culturally her role is to put things right no matter who did what. Does this mean she is going to sit back and watch this girl’s life go to waste? Shame on her.

I may be wrong but your wife’s condition sounds like an addiction and this may be very dangerous. Waking up from her sleep to get a drink is absurd.

Instead of blaming yourself day in, day out take her for therapy, that’s what she needs right away.

In the meantime put your foot down that no alcohol shall be kept in your home. Persuade her and help her to drink water, juice or some hot beverages whenever she feels like having a drink.

She needs your support; she can’t go through this alone. You are an interested party because you want to see the good results, so you have to work towards that as well.

Kubasa kwavo kana pane wavanogona kumboshanda naye munyarikani muunzei so that she does not drink at work.

Remind her that she has a name to protect.

Excessive drinking is not good for health either. It’s a very sad scenario but if you react now I think she can be assisted. When you do this tell yourself that you are doing this because she is your beloved wife and mother to your children, siyana nezvekuti ndiwe wakamudzidzisa.

I hope it’s only alcohol she is now addicted to nekuti mazuva ano zvawanda. I wish you all the best.

 

Is it a demonic spirit?

Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. Mine is an unusual problem, I don’t know whether it’s medical or spiritual.

I am married and am a mother of two. I have a very tolerant husband.

Please ndibatsireiwo, I am naturally a very unhappy person. I feel bitter inside most of the time. I have noticed that people, including my children, are happy when my husband is around. To be honest even what other people consider funny and hilarious to me it’s just nothing.

When I laugh it’s rarely from the heart ndinenge ndichingoitira vamwe ndichinyepera kuseka. I now can see my husband drifting; I think he is tired of my moods and attitude.

He tries to make me happy but handina chinondifadza ini. I have lost many good friends and I regret it but it’s not my fault.

My parents say even in childhood I wasn’t a happy kid. I have tried to overcome this problem by going to church, joining fun clubs but ikoko vanotondireva kuti ndinobhowa.

My parents took me kune imwe church yemweya and they said I had a demon they would take out by prayer. I went to a night vigil, the so-called demon never manifested.

Ndakafuridzwa ndikasandudzirwa nothing happened, it actually made me so furious because half the time I felt like kicking the prophet.

Mai Chisamba, I am tired of pretending, I want to be genuinely happy. Kun’anga ndakanzi ndina mbuya mandiri asi zvairi kuda zvakaoma, I don’t even know what this mbuya wants. Both my grandparents from the two sides are still alive so which mbuya is this one? At work I hardly have any visitors in my office unless it’s purely business. I feel deep sadness mukati chaimo, I don’t know if you have ever heard of something like this? Please help.

Response

Thank you so much for reading my column. After reading your letter I felt very sorry for you. I don’t look down upon what you believe in but my advice is one should look for help from where they get scientific evidence like the hospital.

If you go to hospital A and hospital B in most cases you come out with the same results. If you go to n’anga A and B the diagnosis may be worlds apart, totally different and may even confuse you as the patient. Zvemweya, to my knowledge, depends largely on your faith. Handiti vamwe vaifuridzwa vachidonha, madhimoni achibuda but nothing happened to you.

With all due respect when you deal with prophets and n’angas you can’t really be sure nekuti dzimwe nguva munhau we hear that some of them are self-styled. I am not a medical person but I strongly feel that if you go to a hospital they will look at a lot of things, for instance, clinical depression or other psychological disorders etc.

I advise you to have a positive attitude towards life in general. Open up and speak to other people, don’t write yourself off. Have fun with family and friends. Put yourself in your husband’s and children’s shoes, mai vanongogara vakakwindimira.

You should try and make an effort just to feel happy. How do you feel when you look at the beautiful sun and moon, when you listen to birds singing or when you see yourself in the mirror?

Ramba zvinyamusi (moods), hazvina zvazvinobatsira. Try and network with colleagues at your workplace, don’t wait for them to come to you all the time, you can make the first move too.

I am glad you go to church, there is immense power in prayer but it should come from the heart, you also need to be sincere. I am sure this problem will disappear. Ndinoda kuzonzwa uchiridza chikuwe kuseka nemufaro.

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I was taken for a ride

Thank you so much for your column. How are you? Moyochena unoparirira.

Last month my friend was going to her rural home and asked for my spare wheel, I gladly gave her. My husband had gone out of Harare on a workshop. When he came back I told him what I had done but he was surprised. He said why?

My friend is married and they have three cars. She did not bring the spare wheel as she had promised. I called her after a week and she said would drop it off but she never did. I ran out of patience and sent her a very harsh email because I thought she would bring my spare wheel there and then.

I was shocked by her response; she said kana ndisiri kuriona unoda kuti ndiite sei? Kutaurawo here uko?

I thought I was helping her and this is what I get. My husband phoned her spouse but he said that he did not want to be involved because he doesn’t understand why his wife borrowed the spare wheel in the first place.

All their three cars have spares. What do I do? Should I make it a police case? I don’t understand her arrogance. Please help.

Response

Thank you for writing in and thank you for being a good friend. Good friends help each other in times of need and this is exactly what you did. It’s unfortunate your friend is doing the opposite.

The noblest thing for her to do is to take responsibility and replace the spare wheel. I don’t understand her arrogance either. It’s unfortunate that some fair weather friends enjoy taking advantage of others.

I may be wrong but I think she borrowed your spare wheel to give to someone who has now let her down. According to her husband there was no need for her to ask for yours.

My advice is keep your cool and call for a meeting, imi nevarume venyu to discuss and chat a way forward.

I am very hopeful that this will work out. If she is not co-operative then let the law take its course. In Shona we have an adage which says usahwira hunokunda hukama saka edzai kuita rudo rweukama, although, you are in disagreement.

It’s not a good thing for friends to take each other to the police but if push comes to shove then that’s the only option. I wish you all the best.

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