The Sunday Mail
Ndakaroora doro here kana mukadzi?
Mai Chisamba I hope I find you well. I write this letter with a very heavy heart.
The reason is this was the worst Christmas since 2008 when I tied the knot with my wife. We have a lovely son. I will try and cut my story short.
I don’t take alcoholic drinks, but I don’t mind my wife doing so as long as she keeps within limits.
When we got married I suspected that anodhakwa because here and there I could smell booze, at times even during the week and always wondered kuti anwa nani and what time iye achibva kubasa.
I confronted her about this and told her point blank that I was not keen on doro, although she could drink only at home. Mai Chisamba ndakaroora doro and it seems zvichanetsa.
The last Christmas confirmed this; they had a party at their workplace and akaita mashura akabvisa mbatya.
I was shocked when I went to pick her up, she was stone drunk. Vekubasa kwake vakaona drama, I hear even her boss was not amused.
I drove straight to her tete’s place but it was a waste of time, she was fast asleep whilst I spoke to auntie.
I thought I would talk to our pastor but kuchurch she is an all rounder, she is the youth leader, she’s in the choir and in the church council too ndakanyara.
In short I can’t take it and I want a divorce. I spoke to her parents, baba was very apologetic but amai vakandirwadzisa, she asked kuti auraya munhu here?
Ndiye ega atanga kufara paparty here? Ngaadzoke kumba kana zvanetsa.
Response
I am very well thanks for asking. Inasmuch as you are downhearted and trying to rush to the point at issue I still think you should have told me about how you relate with your wife on a daily basis, zvinobatsira pamhinduro.
I know when one drinks and the other does not, it’s like people in two different worlds. I don’t want to rub salt on old wounds so for now I will concentrate on you and your family, don’t worry about what different people said like amai.
I think deep down you still love your wife but you are angry because you feel letdown and embarrassed. The fact that you didn’t want to expose her at church says a lot, that’s a sign of caring.
The compromise of you saying she could drink in the confines of your home says more too. I think your wife needs help and it’s in your best interest for your son to have a stable mother.
Never forget the meaning of your wedding vows “for better and for worse”, this is easier said than done but always remember the word worse is pregnant with hidden meanings.
For now, try and forget about everyone else and just be focused.
I suggest you take your wife for professional counselling as a first step and if need be take her to an alcohol and drug rehabilitation centre for help.
Your wife should respect you, so throwing herself about like what she did at the party is not good.
Getting drunk and undressing at one’s workplace may send the wrong message to your bosses and colleagues, remember people spend more time at work than at home in some cases.
Lastly, rushing for divorce is not the solution, at this juncture try the above and see if it works. Good luck and keep well.
What a queer father-in-law
Mai Chisamba, thank you so much for your column. My problem is very rare because a lot of people do not encounter problems with fathers-in-law. I do not think we will ever see eye-to-eye with mine because he has made life unbearable for me. Last year, beginning of October I paid lobola for my wife, ndakadhurisirwa ndikapotsa ndaramwa, had it not been for my brothers who chipped in and bailed me out.
Rusambo alone was $6 000 and I paid this in full. Mai Chisamba I love my wife, but her father will make me think otherwise. I am yet to save for a white wedding, but masanctions andiri kuisirwa pakuona mukadzi wangu akaoma.
He insists his daughter will leave his place on the wedding day; when will that be? I still need to pay back a few debts dzevakoma vakandibetsera. I need a year or so to recover. I spoke to my go-between about this, but the answer he brought back almost killed me, “zvanzi tiri vekuchurch, tangai machata”.
All I’m asking for is to get access to my wife, achiuyawo kumba kwangu achirara tichitandadzana pamadiro. What I do not understand now is before I married my wife she had all the freedom in the world, why this strictness now? Vakomana ndofa nenyota here makumbo ari mumvura? Mai Chisamba please help, I am a young man ndine shunguwo nemudzimai wangu. Ndakatadza here kuroora? I hope you will pick my letter.
Response
Thank you for writing in. I hear you young man and I want to say Makorokoto! Sadza rawanda. You are a shining example, how I wish we had a handful of youngsters like you. I had to pick your letter, I had no choice. Shungu dzako dziri kutonzwika even on the paper you wrote on. Culturally when you pay rusambo that is it because ndiyo bride price. I don’t understand why your father-in-law is playing hard to get. I even think he is misrepresenting his church. I will suggest a number of options and I hope you will win. First and foremost let me say chinonzi muchato imhiko dzamunotora, not the celebrations. Talk to your go-between, vana tete navana sekuru and tell them what you feel about the treatment you are getting from baba.
Try and come to a compromise, either go to court or ask the pastor to do a private marriage ceremony so that you can legally stay with your wife. When you are ready for the big white wedding the pastor can then just bless your union. There is no reason why you should not be allowed to stay with your wife. Mutsika nemagariro zvakanaka kunge mhuri dzedu dziripo pakutora mhiko, zvinopa gomborero but if baba continues with his hard stance then you may have to go ahead as majors because the law of the land allows that. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Ndanzwa nekudadirwa nemurume
Mai Chisamba thank you so much for your column, I enjoy reading it. I am a 28-year-old woman and a mother of two. My problem is my husband is a very queer person. I say so because he is hard to understand. We got together in 2006 and up to now he has not paid lobola for me akabvisa tsvakirai kuno ye1 000 Zim dollars, can you imagine. My relationship with my parents and family is rock bottom and this is all because of him. He has a good job and the resources but haabatikane nezvekuroora. He drinks like a fish and at times he is very abusive. Last year he beat me up kuti ndapisa nyama and I went to stay with a neighbour for four days, he did not bother to look for me, ndakazvidzokera ndega and he never asked me up to this day. He cheats on me with people I know; he has no respect for me.
The other day I went into town with the kids nekombi, on our way back I saw our car parked and went with the kids and waited for him to come back. Mai Chisamba murume anodada iyeye, when he came back he just got into the car and drove off takazodzokera kumakombi. My problem is I don’t know kuti ndiri kutadzei to deserve this. I love my husband and kids but there is no reciprocation, please advise.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. Mai mwana why are you so blind to see? Please wake up and smell the coffee. First let me start with a point of correction, who is this husband you are constantly talking about? This is your biggest problem, hauna murume because you are not married, mind you tsvakirai kuno just means your daughter is around this place. Why do you allow yourself to be a punching bag? Kurohwa chaiko in 2015? Ahh no, no! Use the law to protect yourself.
Why are you wasting time with this guy? From the look of things even if he stays with you for another 50 years he will not marry you. In his heart he is saying “why buy a cow when milk is plenty?” (Food for thought).
People get married because they love each other not because they stay together. In Shona all you are doing is uri kubika mapoto. The environment you are in is not conducive for the upbringing of your two beautiful and innocent children. I always say and will repeat, if a relationship brings you misery it’s not worth pursuing, move on.
A person who cares for you will never cheat on you, worse with people you know. You ran away for four days and he never bothered to look for you or to just alert the police, even if you were with his kids? What do you make of that?
Kuroorwa kwakanaka asi usaite zvekuzvipaikira, can’t you see this is not working? Why are you quick to blame yourself kuti ndiri kutadzei?
If truth be told you haven’t done anything wrong, your problem is you are imposing yourself and this has brought a lot of suffering, you can do without this man. The good thing about life is it’s never too late to have a clean start. My advice is if you can’t stand on your own go back home and ask for forgiveness from your parents. Turn over a new leaf, you are still very young and still have a lot of potential. Anokuda achakuwana, keep your pride and don’t ever reduce yourself to the same levels, kwawakaita uku ndiko kunonzi kunyura.
Love your kids and do the best for them. Go to court and work out a way whereby this man pays for his children’s upkeep. Usazvichipise, stand up and be counted.
