My girlfriend’s attitude is putting me off

Thank you so much for your column. I am an educated guy and dating a smart girl as well. My problem is we fight most of the time; we never seem to agree in whatever we do. Our backgrounds are worlds apart, I come from a very conservative family and she thinks ndakapusa.

We have been dating for three years and had promised that I would pay lobola in April this year. A few weeks ago I told her that it was not a good idea to come to my parents’ house whilst she is clad in shorts since this was not 100% acceptable at our home. The answer from my girlfriend was “this is who I am rega vagare vandijaira”.

We have been to our tetes, hers and mine.

I was not amused by my own tete’s comment, she said apa wotosunga dzisimbe mwana wehanzvadzi yangu, this left me with more questions than answers. I know that a promise is a credit.

Mai Chisamba, should I go ahead and pay lobola in April as per promise? Do you think this will work out isu tichiita hwagonzo nachin’ai?

Response

Thank you for reading my column. Before you can commit yourself the best thing is to normalise your relationship, just going by the promised date will not take you anywhere – marriage is about appreciating one another.

The point at issue is not about paying lobola as if you are purchasing an item from a shop, this is lifelong. Don’t marry in order to divorce.

You guys need to go back to the drawing board and iron out your differences. Wanano haisi yekuda kuona kuti ane nharo kupfuura mumwe ndiani. From your communication I can see you are two different people and this will bring unnecessary headaches and pain.

You both need to grow up mentally because it takes two to tango. You need to learn to respect each other. Your girlfriend should not exercise her right by wearing shorts at your parents’ house because she knows they do not accept it and that is very disrespectful.

She can wear her shorts anywhere else chero kusiri kumba kwevabereki vako. Since you are always at each other’s throats I think you need professional counselling. Perfect your relationship first then we can talk about marriage, this can be achieved if you both work on this whole-heartedly. Your girl needs to personally improve her attitude. Lastly, please don’t rush this otherwise you will regret it. Good luck.

My parents are too backward

Mai Chisamba I hope I find you well. Thank you so much for your column. I am a mature single woman and yet to have my own children.

I love my parents and I appreciate them so much because they sent me to good schools. I have a white collar job and a posh car. My problem is my parents are not enlightened, havafambirane nenguva.

They are too controlling, the most painful thing is both of them hapana ari nani vanofurirana zvenhando they are like twins.

I have my own space, I stay in a beautiful suburb and I don’t mind them coming, but when they do they literally inspect and search my home.

The other day my father blew his top because he saw an empty beer bottle in my kitchen. I don’t even know who left that bottle.

Mai Chisamba zvakawanda kani, but let me tell you the reason for this letter.

At my workplace they offered us the houses we are in as sitting tenants to enter into negotiations if we are interested in buying them.

I was so excited and I told them vese vakati ko ukazoroorwa? Kutenga imba chaiyo usina murume?

Unozochinja here kuisa muzita rababa kana rehanzvadzi yako? I am so downhearted; I don’t know what to do.

Should I let this offer pass? My mother was even asking why I put up my boyfriend’s picture in my house, is this normal Mai Chisamba?

RESPONSE

Thank you for reading my column and well done for appreciating the efforts of your parents. Let’s go through your letter step by step.

From your communication I see you as an elite and well-informed woman, but how come your parents are so backward?

It doesn’t jell, it doesn’t go with your lifestyle; gradually inform your parents about some of our laws, e.g. the majority age and what it means. Yes they will always be your beloved parents, but they should know when to take off the training wheels.

Searching and inspecting your home should be stopped, it’s un-African ngavarege kutsvaga makudo mugomo rimwe zuva vanozosangana nawo.

I agree they are too controlling, they should give you some elbow space. I think the other reason is they lack exposure, vanopengera empty bottle, have they ever heard about children doing hard drugs and so many other unprintable stuff? They should be grateful to God.

They should show respect and not impose themselves when they visit an adult, it’s good for them to let you know or just hint.

Once in a while vangauye maybe just passing through or so.

These are things you discuss in passing and you do it amicably, you don’t have to call for a meeting.

The house offer is one of the best things to happen in one’s life, don’t think twice it’s a necessary investment, go for it. When you get married there are laws that protect property, you choose what suits you best.

Are you an only child or the most educated or the most successful? Vamwe vabereki vanobvunda vana vakadaro, why are they overprotecting you?

Uswa hwemhofu ndihwo huri mudumbu huri pamuromo inofa naho so please make hay while the sun shines. Your parents want you to get married so your boyfriend’s picture is part of the process, they should not worry about that.

They should not push for this though because marriages are made in heaven and only takes place in God’s time. Be of good cheer. Lastly, vabereki ngavapiwe rujeko, kare haagari ari kare.

How could they betray me?

Thank you for this column, Mai Chisamba. I don’t even know how to begin, this may sound like a West African movie, but it’s true and real. I am a mother of three and until now was happily married.

If I had written you before December, I would have said so far so good. I had stayed with my maid (sisi) for five years and she had become part of the family.

I took her as a very reliable person because she was so organised, smart and almost perfect. To cut a long story short, she is expecting a baby, and my husband ndivo baba vacho.

When I noticed that she was in this condition I told her to go and sort this with the guy responsible. I even bought a few things for the baby and gave her some of my old maternity dresses and towels.

I asked my husband to give her extra money when she left because I felt sorry for her.

My kids cried their hearts out to see the good sisi go, I must say even inini was on the verge of tears.

I am heartbroken I don’t know whether I am going or coming, dzimwe nguva ndinonzwa kupenga chaiko.

During evenings here and there my husband would say he was going to have a few drinks with friends then he would drive off, park the car elsewhere and walk back onovhurirwa neka small gate kwasisi ku cottage.

After whatever obuda onotora mota then drives through the main gate.

My heart bleeds how could they make a fool of me like this.

I have invested so much in this marriage, kufa hakusi nani here? Should I walk away? I discovered this by default, my husband forgot his phone and message dzaingopinda then I said let me check it could be something urgent.

This was my first time to go through his phone. After I saw sisi’s messages ndakazhamba kuchema.

He says he is sorry, but nasisi here? Pamba pangu? Vaindiona sei vanhu ava? Ko dai akafunga kundiuraya?

Response

Thank you for reading my column, but maihwe zvangu! I know you feel betrayed by two people you trusted and stayed with. Cheating is cheating, whether you do it with a domestic worker or someone from a royal family, it should be condemned in the strongest possible way.

What was the reason for taking unnecessary pain footing back kunotukutira kuka gate keku cottage? God forbid!

Munhu ngaazive kuti muto wetsenza mumwe chete, if only he knew. My advice is two-pronged, the first is never contemplate death, it does not solve anything.

You have so many reasons to live for, don’t be selfish, think about your kids they look up to you. I know you want to see them through school and life in general.

Calm down first, usarase mbereko nekufirwa. When you are no longer angry then go for professional counselling or for a marriage retreat with your husband.

I know you are heartbroken, please pick up the pieces and be the bigger person despite all this. Don’t rush, I tell you after this process you will make a decision that you will never regret.

I know some will tell you kuti wakapusa, but always remember two wrongs will never make a right. In the meantime keep praying there is power in prayer this will help you. The other option is you can use the law to protect yourself, with Marriages Act Chapter 5.11 you can sue sisi for adultery. After she gives birth go to court kuitira kuti mugone kuendesa mwana wacho for DNA tests. You must be sure it’s your husband’s kid otherwise he will pay for someone’s child. After all this is done then you can make a sound decision.

It’s unfortunate sisi bit the hand that fed her. Don’t worry, what goes around comes around. Keep well.

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