Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: My child is being  used against me

Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: My child is being used against me

THANK you for such a platform. I am a 29-year-old guy married to a 26-year-old woman and blessed with a beautiful baby girl.

We have been together for two very unhappy years and I would want to opt out. We had so many problems when we were dating. Our relationship was like a yoyo it was always either up or down. I talked to my tete and a few others before our wedding but they all thought zvinopera tikaroorana. Mai Chisamba, this woman complains about everything be it my friends, my relatives, my job and the list goes on. Hapana chakanaka kunze kwake.

The reason why I have written to you is that a few days ago she took our daughter to her parents’ home without telling me. When I asked why she answered bluntly kuti ndiko kwaakugara until further notice. My daughter is my life, she is the only thing that brings a smile to my face in this marriage. How do I go about it? I want my child back like yesterday.

My parents are very upset about this development and they are also threatening to go and get the child back. I do not mind my child going there but all along she goes to her grandparents by arrangement and both of us knowing. Please assist.

Response

Vakomana two years only and you want to opt out, that is very sad. The worst thing is that there is an innocent child in this unhappy union. Why rush to have a family before finding your feet? Your courtship says it all, you had fights, break ups and so on. I think your advisers were not a hundred percent right when they said zvinopera kana maroorana.

Courtship is preparation for the future, this is a very crucial time where couples should strengthen their bond before taking the next step and exchanging vows. If you store semi rotten items in the fridge it will just maintain the things in that state hazvibvise kuora and so is love.

You did not work on your relationship prior to your marriage and all the problems you had back then have manifested. In my view you seem like two different people. In your letter you gave me the impression that it is your daughter that you love.

 My question is do you love your wife despite all this? Would you want to rewind and go back to the drawing board and start afresh if you could?

Do you want to be assisted by a professional counsellor and see if there is something that can be salvaged? Do you think your wife would comply? You are still very young and you definitely need help.

Your parents from both sides should not join in these fights, instead they should help steady the boat. To your in-laws I say we are people with a culture and it does not allow us to involve ourselves unnecessarily nemwana wemukwasha.

They should take back the child to its parents, this is not good for baby too. Your wife cannot decide on her own that the child is now going to be staying with her mum. This can only be done when you make a collective decision because you are a couple.

You also make appropriate arrangements if baby is going to visit like buying her provisions for her comfort. The first thing for everyone to do is to calm down and stop fighting and bring baby home. The final step is to meet with the counsellor and see what can be done.

I appreciate

my abused wife

Thank you so much for the advice you give, most of the accounts are real life situations that resonate with us the readers.

I am married to a beautiful and well brought up wife. We are blessed with three kids, two boys and a girl. Mine is not a problem but is to pay homage to this wonderful wife. I will tell you the truth my wife’s side has better and well cultured people.

Yes, we go to church but my woman has taught me real and true love. My mother ill-treated this woman from the word go, even my sisters would join in to make sure her life was uncomfortable.

I would get mad about this but she would calm me down. They would create so many stories about her but she would not be bothered. The worst is vaiti muroyi, when they visited my place they would pull faces and monitor whatever they ate and they would always complain kuti ndakadyiswa.

My mother has been sick and has been in and out of hospital since last year. The tables have turned, the woman they called muroyi and ill-treated is now the star. My sisters never dared or requested kuti tombotorawo mai. My wife has gone out of her way, she is the one who drove alone to fetch my mother from our rural home and brought her to our house.

We now stay with amai full time, my wife said she needed to stay near a hospital. She has refurbished the bedroom mum uses to give her maximum comfort. Kunyara kunokunda kufa, my sisters now address her as maiguru or simply muroora. She makes sure whatever needs to be done for her medication is bought without asking for contributions. I write to say thank you to my wife, she is a shining example. My wife is a big fan of this column she will love it.

Response

Wow! What a letter. The first communication of its kind where one has written to just say a heartfelt thank you. This is most refreshing. Even though your wife is a big fan of my column she never wrote to complain about the treatment she got from your mother and sisters, instead she endured and earned her respect as maiguru or muroora in the end.

In this you saw your wife going the extra mile, I can visualise both of you holding hands supporting each other. You too played your part, it is not easy to be accused kuti wakadyiswa without reacting. Some marriages have crumbled by such unfounded accusations. To me you are a true follower of your faith. You talked about the church I conclude you are a Christian. A true follower of this religion haavhundutswe kuti ugere nemuroyi. You embraced your wife and continued to love her.

You respected her when she told you not to retaliate against your people. Well done apa tinoti zviuya zvakawanana. I always say when you do good you do it for your God and you are showered with blessings. I imagine that her ordeal was not easy but we are often tested in life and we can crumble in the face of challenges or we can rise above them.

The storm is over and she has emerged the winner, she should continue like that. My advice to other couples is that when the going gets tough please support one another. Once more thanks to you and your wife, I wish your mother a speedy recovery.

***

Kutizira hakubhadhare Mai Chisamba

Mai Chisamba I hope I find you well. I am 23 years old and my husband is 25.

I eloped last year and we stay together at his parents place. He is gainfully employed but I do not go to work even though I have six O-Levels passes. I am treated as the maid, I wake up very early and I am the last to go to bed.

Nobody appreciates me and they denounce me openly and they all want me gone. I miss home but I just cannot go back like that. The reason I eloped is I wanted to block the other girl he was cheating on me with.

What hurts me the most is they are still dating and she even comes here and everyone loves her. I am not pregnant and my husband does not make love to me.

He moved out of his bedroom when I moved in with them. He now shares a room with his younger brother. I spoke to my tete and she says my father is fuming and expects lobola. I have no communication with my father and siblings.

I only speak to my mother who is very worried about my stay here. I hear through the grapevine that arrangements to marry the other girl are in progress. I am so confused I need help.

Response

What a waste of resources! Six O-Levels and you eloped to go and be treated like trash, why? In our culture you never refer to a man who did not pay lobola for you as your husband, uri kurasika papi? School should help to enlighten you for goodness sake. I thought you had eloped because you had fallen pregnant, yet you were trying to block the other girl from getting her way, what a foolish reason. Please wake up and smell the coffee. It is common knowledge that a husband and wife share a bed.

This is evident within most conventional families, in movies or even in our local dramas. He moved out of the bedroom when you came saka unoda kurambwa kana kudadirwa kwakadii? In normal circumstances he should have used the adage that says dzawira mutswanda hadzichanetsi kunhongera.

You have reduced yourself to a slave in the name of marriage isipo you have yourself to blame. I understand why your mother is worried sick about your continued stay there. Please tell your tete the truth so that she goes back to your father and paints the correct picture of what is going on.

I do not see him getting the lobola he is waiting for. Why do you expect to be appreciated by people who do not even want you in their space? How do you feel when they host the other girl?

Where is your pride? At 23 you are young and full of potential, the world out there is waiting for people like you. Kuroorwa hakuitwe zvekugarira paguyo sehuku, zvinoitwa zvineurongwa that is why even those abroad can have their lobola paid in absentia.

My advice for you is to please talk to tete so that she convinces your family to take you back. I know it is going to be tough but it can be done, that is the only way to save yourself from this agony and embarrassment.

Just imagine if the grapevine is right and this other girl gets married what becomes of you? There are several positives in your life, you have your O-Level so why not use that as a spring board and carry on with your education. You are not pregnant so you can map your way forward without having to think about responsibilities that come about with having a child.

Enda unopotera kwatete kana kwasekuru vanonzwisisa while this is being sorted out. Your father should understand that it is you who is to blame not your boyfriend. If truth be told he is innocent he did not impregnate you, neither did he invite you to his home and he never touched you during your stay.

To our young people out there I say zvekutizisana was a common practice once upon a time kumadzitateguru edu, times are changing, musapedzerwe nguva nezvinhu zvinoramba kuzoshanda. I have received so many letters on kutizirana ngazvipedzwe. Lastly, I say to your father please accept your daughter and forgive her, I think she has suffered enough.

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