Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Muporofita failing to save my marriage

10 Jan, 2016 - 00:01 0 Views
Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Muporofita failing to save my marriage

The Sunday Mail

Muporofita failing to save my marriage

Mai Chisamba, how are you? Thank you so much for this column. I am a mother of three, one set of twins who are both girls and I also have a son. I am a full time housewife, I did not do very well at school. My husband is the breadwinner and anodada nazvo zvinotobhowa. We have been together for five years now.
Tete vangu came over to talk about lobola because since I eloped to his place, he never paid a single thing, not even tsvakirai kuno. I did not like the way he spoke to her, he was not even seated. He was pacing up and down and ignoring most of the questions she asked. In the end, he said go and tell them kuti I do not have any money ko imhosva here kushaya? After tete went away, he said to me he had the money to marry the love of his life, not me.
He accused me of imposing myself on him zvanzi ini ndakatiza nzara kwedu, that is why ndakazviroodza. Please help I do not understand what is going on. I have three kids and munhu ondishora zvakadai. He has no respect for me at all, he speaks to other women in my presence, he does not include me in his plans. He is 30 and I am 27. He is very abusive but I love him zvakadaro. Ndakaenda kumuporofita ndikapuhwa holy water to steady him down but it is not working out. I have written to you because I know you will tell it as it is, ndibatsirewo imba yangu ndoida.
Response
Thank you so much for writing in. I remember responding to someone who was in almost the same predicament. Nyaya yekutizira is not as popular as it used to be when our ancestors respected it as one of the ways to get married. Times are changing, I always discourage people from creating families they cannot take care of, it is unfair to the kids.
This guy is not your husband, that is why he has no respect for you. Muri kubika mapoto and this is why your parents sent tete to sound this wake up call to you. This guy sounds very uncultured, there was no need for him to be so rude to tete, she is the messenger of the family and she must never be abused or ridiculed.
Kutizira is to impose yourself, especially if you did not plan with the guy. It may sound sad but he is a bachelor as he rightfully says, that is why he is preparing to get married to someone else. I do not want to dwell too much on maporofita and their holy water because some of these things are all in the mind.
That is why there was no change after you used it to try and steady him down. My advice is, go to a civil court and claim child support. Let tete persuade your parents to take you back home, do not downgrade yourself to such low levels. If this guy loved you he would have paid even a little amount as part of lobola. Even a small amount is considered as a sign of love in our culture. Do not be in a hurry to get married, why not wait for God’s appointed time? Honaka mandikurumidze anozvara mandinonoke.
Nobody should be looked down upon, it is not worth it. You sound very desperate, why? Why should you risk your life by living with an abusive person? This can cost you your life. Nhamo yanyanyoita yeiko? Kuda kunzi une murume here? Marriage is about love and respect. Would you want to spend the rest of your life in that environment? It is not even conducive for bringing up your beautiful kids in. Finally, please go back home and start afresh and to your parents I say please forgive and take back your daughter, munhu anokunda mari,rudo harumanikidzwe kani.

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Girlfriend pestering for sex before marriage

MAI CHISAMBA,thank you so much for your column. I have been going out with my girlfriend for the past three years. We promised each other that we would do as our Christian religion teaches and only have sex after marriage.
I am degreed, we were both at the same university although we did different programmes. I got a job outside Zimbabwe and I will be going back after the festive season.
My would-be in-laws have agreed to the dates that we proposed for the traditional marriage yekubisa roora. l am beginning to doubt if my fiance is still ok because she is now forcing me to have sex with her.
I reminded her of our Christian values but now she says she cannot wait, she wants us to do this before I go back to work. I told her point blank that I will not, handidi kuputsa chirongo ndasvika. She tried all the tricks in the book but I stood my ground. Ari kuita kuzviperekera chaiko.
I am confused about this sudden change of behaviour, I now suspect that she slept with someone during my absence and may be pregnant. She wants to force me into this zvizongonzi pamuviri ndepangu.
If my suspicions are correct I will not marry her, I will cancel everything because this will be betrayal at its worst. Please assist, our dates will be due soon. How do I handle this because all along she did not want to hear about bonde, chii chanesta?
Response
Thank you for writing in and for reading my column. lt is refreshing to hear that we still have young people in our midst who still uphold Christian values. To that I say amen and well done. I do not understand what has gotten into your fiance, to aggressively demand for sex kuti isadza here rekuti pamwe nzara yacho yamuzvambura. My advice is stand your ground and let this cup pass.
You had a clean relationship for three years, do not spoil it. It is not good to go into this marriage with suspicions because you will start on a wrong note. Thank God for the technology that we have because all these fears can be dispelled. In my view, I think it is in order for both of you to go for HIV tests and then she can also take a pregnancy test before you commit. You are both enlightened people and I assure you this is the way to go. Talk about it amicably.
You want to start your marriage on a clean slate. Kwete kungofungidzirana. Once again, sando dzako for staying true to your Christian values. It is my hope this will be the rock where your marriage shall be built on. I would be happy to hear from you again, I wish you all the best.

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My landlord is ill-treating me

Thank you so much for your column. I am a very concerned lodger. Our landlord treats us as under dogs.Mirau yavo haiperi, every day there is a new rule, it is like “Animal Farm”. We comply with a lot of these rules but aiwa enough is enough.
This Christmas I think they went a step further by coming to our cottage and ordering our guest out for making noise.
Even the lodgers vedzimba dzemukati were told the same and some had their guests dismissed too. I felt so ashamed in front of the people I had invited. I did not take this lightly because although they have a house, we are the ones looking after this family. Every month pane zvatinonzi tivape, on top of that they are always asking for favours.
One of my friends told them off, he was so angry because he thought this was very unfair. We had to look for an alternative place to spend the day with our friends.
Mai Chisamba, what steps do we take to correct this? We do not want to be humiliated in front of our families and friends.
Response
Thank you so much for writing in. Maiwe zvangu, what a Christmas! We will get to that. Let me start by just telling you some of the things that should be done before you take up any lodgings. The most important thing is for you to have a lease and to read it through and through before you move in. If you have any differences you iron them out before you reach an agreement. You should agree that no one will do anything outside this document because it is binding.
I hear many people complain about landlords who demand a lot of provisions and yet this is not written anywhere, it is criminal to do so. People should treat each other with respect all the time.
I cannot talk about the noise aspect because I was not there but I think your landlord should have talked to you alone than to storm in and dismiss the guests. Kunyadzisa munhu ikoko. lf I go by your letter, it seems there are too many lodgers and their families on this homestead, this could also be a health hazard.
I know we are going through hard times but the more people you have, the more money you lose through maintenance and the likes.
My advice is, request for a meeting and talk about this. Go to your lease if there is one, if not put one in place.
I do not want to say much about the landlord because I respond to the writer, so all I can say to them is musazeze kusviba imi makateya murutsva.
The only way forward is to talk, communication plays a pivotal role in our lives. Lastly, I also want to say sorry about the way the guests were dismissed, that was rude and unfair. I would be happy to hear from you again. I wish you all the best.
Write to: [email protected] or WhatsApp 0771415747

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