Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Mother refuses to leave our home

I want to start off by thanking you for your column and for concealing the identities of your writers. I have a problem with my mother.

Way back in 1999, I lost a brother. My husband and I decided to take amai for a while kuti tivanyaradze since my parents are divorced. Believe it or not up to this day she has not gone back.

We have a three-bedroomed house and all of my four kids (two boys and two girls) sleep in the same room because amai refused to share with the girls. The other bedroom is hers and hers alone kozoti one bedroom yedu.

The children are all grown up now and it is not good for them to sleep in the same bedroom. My mother has no respect for anyone, the way she treats my husband is terrible. Vane muromo hama zhinji mostly from my husband’s side no longer visit our home. She tells people that it is her house but the truth is imba ndeyedu.

She interferes in our internal affairs negatively to the extent of insulting my hubby when he comes home late.

When we buy provisions for my in-laws she complains bitterly that we are one sided and we are wasting a lot of money.

She is very controlling, she harasses my children as well. Nyaya dzavo mumaraini hadziperi I am just fed
up.

I spoke to her brother, the one she used to stay with kumusha but even sekuru said he had given up on her and now everyone understands why my father walked out on her.

How do we send her back because we cannot take this any longer. My husband is very tolerant but now he is getting fed up too. Hapana chavanotenda amai vangu zvese vanoporonga.

I do not understand why her brothers and sisters cannot keep her in check and yet she is the youngest of them all. Please help, my husband and his people are wonderful ndanzwa nekunyara kuita sendakazvarwa nebenzi.

Response

I do not understand what is happening nowadays because in our culture it was a struggle to get an ambuya to go and stay at the home of a son in-law permanently. This would only be done when there were no other options.

How can she stay for 17 years and yet vanga vangouya kuzonyaradzwa? This already shows that something is seriously wrong with her.

You are wondering why all her siblings avoid confronting her, kutotyawo chisveru no one in their normal senses would want to stay with such a trouble stirrer. I feel sorry for your children, they cannot continue like this.

Gogo should at least have agreed to share with the girls vachivadzidzisa hupenyu but because she is selfish, she refuses to do so. The solution to all this drama is having gogo go back to where she used to stay in 1999 and give your family a breath of fresh air. For now let us do it through the family.

I suggest you rope in your munyai or a representative to stand in and chair this meeting. Your mother’s siblings should also be present. You are not fighting, you want to correct this anomaly.

Promise her that you will continue to fend for her, all you need now is your elbow space. Solving issues within our families maintain our dignity as Africans.

Yes there is also a legal side to this dilemma, you could have her evicted but I advise you not to take this route yet as it will leave a very sour taste in your mouth.

The adage gudo guru peta muswe vadiki vagokuremekedza sums it all up. I would be happy to hear the outcome of this indaba.

Pray sincerely for your family and God’s intervention. I wish you all the best.

Parents only see money on me

I love your column in The Sunday Mail Mai Chisamba, I am a really big fan of yours.

My problem is that I cannot meet my parents’ demands. I am the eldest child and the only son in a family of three. We are all married. Our parents are retired teachers but they do not act like learned people. My mother is worse than my dad but chikwata chimwe chete.

I am married to the most beautiful and understanding wife who accommodates a lot of nonsense from my parents. We are blessed with two sons. I am a business executive and my wife has a powerful professional job too. My parents see money when they look at us.

They have a beautiful plot just outside Harare. They make a lot of money from the projects, but they always seem to want more. At times I wish kuti chembere idzi dai dzisina kuziva WhatsApp.

When they call while I am in a meeting immediately one of them sends a message either to me or to my wife. They want to try each and every project in the book. When they ask for money they do not take no for an answer, they even go to the extent of borrowing. I do not know what they do with their money, at times we help pay their workers.

They both drive but vanongochema fuel. I know my sisters help out as well. People in their neighbourhood envy their lifestyle but they are just not content with what they have. The worst thing they ever did was to borrow US$3 000 and then later sent the guy to collect his money from us. They did not even inform us. We do not have such money, we have kids who go to a private school.

I suggested they sell one of their cars and pay back their debt, vakatsamwa we are not on talking terms and they just communicate through WhatsApp. Vanoti they raised me and put me through university, it was not easy for teachers but now I cannot even return the favour. My wife made a sacrifice and sent them part of the sum vakati endai munovaudza kuti haikwane. I love my parents but I think this is too much they are so unreasonable. How do we make peace with them and try to carve a better future going forward?

Response

Lust for money is detrimental to a person’s character. In this case it is both of your parents who have this problem. We cannot take away the good they have done for their children like putting you through university. They gave you the exact tools you needed for your trade no wonder you are doing well now. Education is the best foundation one can ever be given in life. They did this out of love and as responsible parents it was their duty to do so.

They should not soil this gesture by reminding you that they did this. Vabereki vanoitira vana vavo kuti varumuke kwete kuti chikwereti. In life we help each other as we go along the way because this is how God wants it to be. In as much as you may try to assist them they should also give you the chance to put your kids through school as they did. It is very noble to be appreciative of whatever you are given.

Muroora should not lose heart she must continue doing what is right as long as it comes from within. Ngavagutsikane nezvavainazvo kuti vasashungurudzike. If they want to borrow money or whatever and have a payment plan that involves you they must discuss with you first to avoid embarrassment and unnecessary bad mouthing. Yes, they are your parents asi havakurongere wave nemhuri yako. I think you need to sit down with your parents and see how this debt can be cleared.

If you cannot raise the money by any other means then selling the car would be a viable option because it can be replaced at a later stage. This will also serve as a good lesson to your parents. Help them to plan and budget according to what they have.

Resolve your differences amicably you are family, life is short you need each other. Your parents should be grateful for what they have. There are so many people who are struggling to make ends meet. Inga kugarika kunounza mutauro zvakare nhai.

To other parents out there please do not pressure your children to provide for you because at times you put them under strain ivo vasina. To the couples out there please assist whenever you can and do not wait for a reminder. Always keep your families in prayer.

***

I angered my fiancé

Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. I am 22 and have been going out with a very generous guy aged 24. This guy is very generous, I am really spoiled.

He showers me with gifts every now and then. I love him and he loves me too. For the past two years that we have been together amira mira. My friends usually say when they long for some eats and the likes vanoti tell your boyfriend that the girls want to go out.

He does not think twice anongotiendesa kumafaro and he provides for all of us.

These two friends of mine have boyfriends but they are not generous and friendly as my man. When we go out as couples he takes care of everyone in the team. A few weeks ago my friends said they envied me so much because ndakawana muzhanje chaiwo.

I laughed because I knew they were joking with me. Our plans for marriage are quite advanced now, it’s a wonderful feeling. Just a fortnight ago my friend’s lover told my fiancé that his nick name was muzhanje and the girls called him muzh in short.

He insisted to know how that name came about and he was told that it is because he is a big spender.

To my surprise he did not take that lightly, he fumed and called me to inquire about this. I told him I knew about it and I thought it was a joke. He hung up the phone and that was that. He is so disappointed.

I had never seen him lose his cool. I have been trying to communicate with him but to no avail. All he did was to send a text saying “please give me time to think”.

I am confused, he is my soul mate, the man of my dreams. What have I done to deserve this? This name came from my friends not me, what do I do? How can I make things right if he doesn’t want to speak to me? Please help I am willing to do whatever it takes to get him back. Does he not understand jokes?

Response

You described him as your soul mate, the love of your life but your actions do not show that. You team up with friends to call your man by such a hurtful nickname. I do not think in his case it is a matter of not understanding jokes but he feels let down by someone he takes as a future wife.

Courtship is the time when you show your true qualities, here you have already been caught napping. Your friends are biting the hand that feeds them, they are a very ungrateful lot. They are benefiting from his generosity so why then make fun of him? I do not want to judge you but in life you can be wrong for not doing what you are expected to do. In my personal view you should have either told off your friends about using the nickname or told your boyfriend.

The problem is now it is like you also think he is a muzhanje iye ari kutofira iwewe. I have received a number of letters about nicknames it seems ari kukonzeresa out there. They come in different packages some are offensive, some funny and some are quite relevant but whatever it is be careful, remember these are not official names so play it safe musangohakira. I do not think this is the end of the road, though, he was in shock and quickly took offence.

Why do you not send him a voice message and ask for a meeting. Your voice is a powerful tool, this can melt his heart when he hears you pleading and apologising. You need to learn to resolve issues quickly and amicably because this is what marriage is about. Marriage is bigger than mazita emadunhurirwa. You have come a long way, you love each other your boyfriend should be able to see beyond your friends.

For your information good friends will not come up with such a nickname (food for thought). Your man is generous, good for him but if you are considering marriage this is the time to save money or do something for your future.

I intentionally want you to solve this first hurdle alone but if it does not work we try the next step. Remember to pray for your relationship. I wish you and your soul mate all the best.

 

Write to: [email protected] or WhatsApp 0771415747

 

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  • Cypriano

    How are you Mai Chisamba.Thank you for this programme.

    I have a big problem and I need your help.In 2000,I fell in love with a girl whom I married in 2002 and she is my wife now.The problem is that my wife does not do sex the way all other women do,that is she does not enjoy foreplay or penetration sex.When we were courting,she would refuse penetration sex fearing that she would fall pregnant and to me that was quite reasonable.So my manhood would only reach the clitoris and the items would only rub each other and that way she reached orgasm.However,that did not satisfy me as I wanted deeper sex.She then fell pregnant when one day I complained and she opened the legs,I then discovered that shows not a virgin as she was claiming.I was furious and left her but she then called that she was pregnant and out of compassion I married her.I expected a change in our sex life but that did not change as she enjoyed sex that way.When I asked her for us to do foreplay,it did not interest her and she would just open the legs but she will be looking bored,uninterested and sometimes closing the eyes as if she was in pain.Indeed her vagina is dry most of the times but she does not want any fabricatorsWhat it meant is that I was sex starved and I then dated a certain girl two years into our marriage and I loved this woman and the intimacy was great and that was the missing link in my marriage.I then offered marriage to this woman and she fell pregnant,I not r produced her to some of my family members but my wife frustrated the move and the woman left.Our sex life did not improve and this time she would totally refuse or ask me to be quick when she opens the legs so my system got used to how quick she wanted me to release the manhood and as soon as I got inside her vagina I then ejaculated.My wife is so beautiful and I loved her but sex life frustrated me.I asked her if ever there was a problem or whether she was sexually abused as a girl as I thought that she was afraid of men.She said no she was fine.She then started to feign affection.and orgasm but I would pick it that she was feigning it.In 2008,I fell in love with a certain woman and the sex was out of this world and ended up having two children both boys and my wife later discovered it and the family intervened and the two women met at the family request and I then told the gathering that I wanted both wives.The elder wife then refused and said she can not tolerate the second wife.She frustrated the other wife for one day and she left.My family members were now aware of the sexual challenges we had and were sympathetic with me and were supporting my moves to have a second wife or divorce her.Mai Chisamba inwardly I love this woman and we have two beautiful daughters who are now 14 and 7 respectively and the girls are so intelligent.In 2011,we went to the courts and wedded under the pressure from a church friend who really admired our marriage and our life .I went against my conscience and instings and wedded just to please my wife and the church friends.However,our sex life remained bad and was even worsening because she would refuse or had that boring unsatisfying sex once a week or after a fortnight.In 2013,I fell in love with another woman,the romance was extremely good and I told her my problem and she really sympathized with me,I persuaded her for marriage in 2014 and she agreed and I paid lobola.The women are now two and my first wife tried to frustrate her but I stuck to my guns and told her that this woman is not her to destroy our marriage but to compliment the missing link-sex that I am denied of,sex that I am not enjoying.She refused.She then went to the police and reported that I was a bigamist with 5.11 and she now uses the 5.11 to discipline me and she swears as well that she is not going anywhere of which I like that as it shows that she is serious with the family.Mai chisamba,my wife also has mood swings which can take 7 days,she can commensurate for three weeks which means I can go for a month without sex.Not only that,she hates my mother and does not entertain my relatives at our house.She traditionally does not like kissing since she was a girl and I don’t understand her.The second wife is prayerful,loving and loves my family members with her heart we now have a baby girl and have asserted that I will not leave her this time.Should I divorce my first wife Mai chisamba?