The Sunday Mail
I was used and left heartbroken
MAI CHISAMBA, thank you so much for this platform. I am heartbroken.
I am a 34-year-old woman ndino kiya kiya twakawanda. I stay in a beautiful rented apartment and have my own car. I have been staying with a guy at my place for the past 18 months. He promised to marry me although we did not have a formal engagement. His parents and family were against the idea of us staying together before marriage so they never visited taingosanganawo.
A certain muzukuru from this guy’s side is the only one who communicated with us as a couple. He is also the one who used to bring me all the gossip from the other side. He once told me that Mufaro’s parents say mwana aitwa sei kuomerera pachembere yemadhiri yakadaro. How can they call me chembere? Our age difference is small because Mufaro is 27 and he does not seem to mind. I looked after this guy before he was employed akawana basa ari mumaoko angu. He is degreed ini I did not finish Form 3 because of a poor financial background.
Mai Chisamba, chikoro hachina nebasa because hachiunze upfumi. I am very comfortable I wish you could see what I have acquired. My problem is this guy akanoroora and has gone to stay with his parents. His muzukuru told me but I did not believe it.
He used to really feel at home at my place enjoying my money, my car, my space everything was at his disposal. Please assist, how do I recover the money I gave him? I wanted to go and see his wife ndinyatsomuudza. Do you think this will help? I even bought muzukuru wake a laptop for birthday munhu akaipa mufunge. Mufaro confirmed by text that he was now married and did not want anything to do with me.
Response
Thank you for writing in and for reading my column. I am very sorry about what Mufaro has done to you. If you follow this column religiously you would be among those who know I am not a big fan of people who stay together before marriage, kubika mapoto. The disadvantage stems from the fact that nothing binds you as man and wife, it is just a verbal arrangement. Many people are left heartbroken because their time and resources are wasted for nothing, no wonder his family did not want to be involved. You talked about madhiri and kukiya kiya some of these may be risky I would not know.
I do not understand why you were so generous to Mufaro according to your letter he lived like a king. You should have known better you are more mature at 34. When it comes to true love I do not think age really matters but it is a thing you should also think about before you commit.
The western culture, for example, does not really pressure people to consider factors such as age differences when planning to enter relationships. In our culture here many people are a bit skeptical especially when the woman is the older one.
You have done well as of now but zvemadhiri may not last a life time, I encourage you to save for rainy days, education is of primary importance in one’s life because you can rely on it all the time, nguva dzese une pekutangira hazvisi zvetsvete kana zvechizivano. Why did you not listen to muzukuru when he told you that something was going on between Mufaro and the woman who is now his wife? Forewarned is forearmed.
Mufaro did not rob you of your money and other resources, you freely gave him because you loved him so you cannot recover that. Use this as a lesson for next time kuti usangodyiwa nekupfachura mari before you get married. Who knows maybe he used to please his wife from whatever he got from you, food for thought. There is no need for you to go and see Mufaro’s wife she is innocent and does not deserve any humiliation. The best thing for you is to forget this guy and move on. In life it is wrong to regret about the gifts you gave dzidza kupa nemoyo kuti zvisakurwadze.
You have learnt that mapoto does not fast track marriage, it may actually amount to nothing. Do not lose heart you can still achieve what you are destined for, you are young and full of potential. Try and do something that is transparent and straightforward madhiri mamwe anodhuuka.
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My in-laws visit too often
Mai Chisamba, I love your column. Please help I don’t know whether I am wrong or not.
My husband’s sekuru, his mother’s brother is a very pleasant guy but vanomboita kakusanzwisisika. We stay in Gweru and he stays kumusha in Bikita. Every other month he comes alone to visit us. I really do not mind but the problem is whenever he comes he borrows money for his journey. When he goes back we give him double the amount so that he can pay back and of course, a few other things for his family. When he comes he gets so comfortable in most cases totopota tichiti mbuya havasi vasurukirwa here vose navana.
All these trips are just for hanging out, as a result they are costly for us. In December we had to run around and borrow money, this is such an inconvenience. He is my husband’s name sake and his reason is always ndafunga sazita. The truth is I am fed up and now I tend to ignore him because zvanyanya. When he comes he does not even tell us in advance, although, he has a phone. Please assist.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. If you are an avid reader of this column you may remember me advising someone that it is not fair to take offence or to ignore someone before you tell them that what they are doing is wrong.
We see things from different perceptions, as far as sekuru is concerned he is doing great. Nyaya yehusazita has brought him so close to your husband and his family newewo unotori muzukuru wepamoyo. Do not ignore him, tell him nicely that he needs to check with you before he makes a trip whether you are financially sound or you are at home.
These days because of technology he can receive money in the comfort of his home on his phone. Borrowing money without consulting you may hit a brick wall vakasvika musina. Try and call him now and then so he does not miss you that much, once in a while when you go kumusha go to his place and spend some time with his family.
Semhuri zvakakosha kubudirana pachena asi muchiudzana chokwadi. What you may see as an inconvenience may be sekuru’s best way of showing love to you guys. Do not take offence, help him see how it should be done. Let him know that even for you the dollars are hard to come by at times. If you really have a talk about these visits then he will not just bump in.
Take it easy maonero nemaitiro anosiyana but you still need each other you are family. I would be happy to hear from you once again.
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I can never please my mother
Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. I am a 22-year-old woman and the only girl in my family.
Believe it or not my relationship with my mother has never been good. I used to cry a lot because even the slightest mistake would make my mother so cross. Whenever she is upset with me she asks someone else to talk to me instead of addressing me herself.
This has widened the gap between us because I never get the chance to explain myself. Tinongogara sevanhu vanofungirana uye vakamakana. I am in a relationship and my boyfriend is going to work out of the country. He requested to see my tete just to prove how committed he is and that he would want us to get married at our earliest convenience. I am a third year student at a local university and I understand that I have to complete my degree before we settle down together.
When my mom caught wind of this she was so furious that I had gone to tete and not her. But nehasha dzavo ndinotaurawo ndakamira pai? She went to her friend vakanotaura mashoko. My biggest concern is for how long are we going to communicate through other people?
How are we going to bridge this, Mai Chisamba? I feel so hurt because most girls have good relationships with their mothers. How do I make her understand that courtship is a normal thing in the lives of most women? I miss my mother, great will be the day we can just sit down, laugh, talk and embrace each other.
Response
Thank you so much for writing in. Wow what a letter! I felt so sorry for you as I read your letter. Firstly, let me say well done for showing such a high level of maturity.
School wise you are doing so well and at 22 you want things done the way they should be, going through tete is a good move I am so impressed that we still have young educated women who respect our culture. I do not understand how your mother is losing it, she is running away from her motherly duties when she asks her friends or neighbours to address you on her behalf.
That is a very bad practice in most cases the issues might end up distorted and it sends a wrong message out kune vanhu nekuti vanoita sevari kutadza kutaura newe.
Your mother should consider herself lucky to have a daughter like you. As a woman she should understand what courtship means you don’t wake up one day and just get married.
This is a very critical stage in any relationship, this is the time people learn more about each other, the time to plan your future together. To be honest I think your mother is off track she must appreciate that although you are a major you still want your family to be involved in your affairs.
I think your relationship with your mother can be mended if we try a few things. Start by inviting your mother’s most understanding sibling and pour your heart out to them. Tell them you will not talk to any outsiders until everything is straightened out.
Tell them also how you miss her even though varipo amai vacho. Try and do things that can bring you closer together such as cooking, cleaning or even going shopping. This may not be easy but you need to break the ice vakatanga hasha dzavo just remind her of the bridge you are trying to build, zvinotoda moyo murefu. Talk about school and life in general. Involve your dad and brothers this will make it easier. I wish you all the best.
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