The Sunday Mail
I cheated with my brother’s small house
MAI CHISAMBA, I would like to thank you for this platform. I have a big problem please help me.
My brother is married with children and for quite some time he cheated on his wife. This small house (girlfriend) knew that my brother was married but she was not deterred. My brother’s wife got wind of this and went mad. Mukoma had to lie that this girl was going out with me. Maiguru wanted to beat her up but she could not, vakaziva kuti takavavhara and she was so unhappy. I asked the girlfriend if she knew whether my brother was married or not?
Her response was that she did not know, but surprisingly even after this near fight with maiguru she continued to sleep with mukoma. My brother put me in a tight corner by making me pretend to be this girl’s boyfriend. It was tough and tempting. I ended up sleeping with this girl too, behind my brother’s back. In short she was bedding the two of us.
The problem is this girl is now pregnant, she has eloped to our house and my brother maintained his lie ndikanakurirwa nyoka mhenyu. Our family does not want to accept this girl because they all know about her affair with my brother.
Maiguru is baying for her blood and I am stuck in the middle. The child she is caring may not even be mine. Mai Chisamba, I do not want to marry this woman she is not my girl and what kind of a wife will she make? I used to be the go-between when she was dating my brother, now she wants to be my wife. No I cannot do that. She is the reason why I no longer see eye to eye na maiguru. When my brother comes over to our parents’ home where I am staying with this girl the situation is just tense and miserable apawo vabereki vake vari kupenga. Mai Chisamba, please help how do I come out of this?
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column and for writing in. What a shame! What a family. Before you did anything you should have known that what goes around comes around.
I am surprised you are not even ashamed to say you played the role of a go-between for a married brother, what nonsense! I do not know whether you did this for a fee or for favours, but whatever the case may be, it is just disgraceful.
Your brother was cheating on his wife and trusting you to keep his girlfriend in check and yet you were doing things behind his back, what a circus. The girl is now pregnant as a result of unprotected sex. I always talk about how risky these love triangles are, especially in the wake of HIV and Aids.
You took advantage of this girl because of her loose morals now you are cornered? Ndiyo nyaya yekuda dzawira mutswanda. Do not blame your brother you got into this knowingly, why did you not say no to this? This is a serious situation and you will not come out unscathed. I see you are blaming this girl but if the truth be told you are very similar, makafanana, remember the Shona adage which says matsotsi haagerane. I think you owe amaiguru, mukoma and the entire family an apology for what you did. There is an unwanted baby on the way, this is sad and very irresponsible. You can go for DNA tests after the baby is born to establish who the father is and that person is duty bound to pay for child support. Do not let these circumstances force you into an unhappy marriage because it will not work out.
Your family should look for a proper go-between (not one that resembles your type though) to discuss the issue of damages with the girl’s parents. I hear you when you say haudi kuroora, how will you relate with the rest of your family after messing up like this, maiguru, mukoma and the other woman’s side.
You have destroyed this girl’s future, she now has to bring up a child on her own and yet you were all reckless. I usually encourage couples to work on their differences and map a way forward but in this case the only gear that seems to be working is the reverse gear. Wanano inofanira kuunza mufaro kwete mutoro. I hope to hear from you again.
Married to prove a point
Thank you for your column. I am a young woman aged 29 and I was in love with my childhood sweetheart for many years.
Three years ago he went abroad to study and he promised that he would come back for me. We kept in touch and would speak on the phone whenever he got the chance.
I was heartbroken when my boyfriend fell for someone else and got married. I almost died because I just could not take it. After friends and family heard about this most people were saying at your age what will you do? I was put under so much pressure until I married someone I did not love deeply just to prove a point and please my family. I regret this, I cry about this every day. I feel sorry for my husband he goes out of his way to please me.
He is such a good and generous guy but I just do not love him that much. I do not want to lie he has never done anything wrong to me. I feel trapped, I feel as if I am in jail. I still love the guy who let me down and I miss him. I think it will take an entire lifetime to get over him. I am expecting my first child but I am going through hell. Long distance relationships can be a mirage. Ndoita sei nendangariro dzemunhu ari abroad? Please help.
Response
Thank you for writing in, you are right most long distance relationships end up in heartbreaks. Let us start with your childhood sweetheart – I feel sorry about how your relationship ended. That must have been a very bitter pill to swallow. In our culture it is usually the man who proposes for marriage, in my mind I visualise the guy you are crying for on bended knees asking for his now wife’s hand in marriage. You only marry the one you love and he did exactly that but you are not the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
Does it ever cross your mind that when you cry for him iye anenge achiitei? He could be having fun with his wife kissing and cuddling imi mai nhiya kuno kuAfrica muri kusvimha misodzi. Why do you cry over spilt milk? Marriages are made in heaven, he was never meant for you. My advice for you is to move on and forget about this guy who jilted you when he went abroad. Embrace your husband, you love him that is why you married him I do not believe you did it to prove a point.
What point? Open your heart and feel the love and warmth of your husband. I am happy for you, baby is already on the way do not waste your time regretting, enjoy your pregnancy remember its only nine months. For interest sake do you ever talk to your unborn baby? It is high time you did. You are not trapped neither are you in jail, do not put yourself in exile. It is all in your mind, from this day start enjoying your marriage matakadya kare haanyaradze mwana.
The overseas guy has long forgotten about you that is why he did not come back so why should it take you a lifetime to do likewise? Why not keep your pride and stop hurting yourself for nothing? Tell yourself that you married your husband because you care for him not that you wanted to please your family, vasikana musadaro.
Your husband has very rare qualities, he is a happy and generous man, why not praise the Lord for this? We have a Shona adage which says “kudada kwehope kurota kwawakarambwa” (food for thought). Last but not least, come out of that imaginary jail and live a normal life in your marriage. Pray for your marriage.
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I feel cursed
Mai Chisamba, thank you so much for your column. I am desperate for help, you are my last hope.
I am a 21-year-old married woman. I had complications with my first pregnancy. It was a still birth and I continued bleeding until they decided to perform a hysterectomy (kubviswa chibereko) on me. All this was done in order to save my life. Mai Chisamba, this is a tragedy.
Zvese zvakasara kuhospital, my deceased child and my uterus takasiyako. I am heartbroken, I do not know what to do. The only shoulder I thought I would cry on was my husband’s but instead he had no kind words for me as if it were my fault. He said he wants a child and if I cannot do that he is going to marry another wife because he cannot spend the rest of his life asina mwana. I do not have a sister to give him so that he gets to sire a child. All of a sudden life has changed there is no happiness at all, I cannot even take it anymore. Ndoita seiko Mai Chisamba? Ndinotangirawo pai? Please help even if my letter is not picked.
Response
Thank you for writing in and thank you for reading my column. I am very sorry for your loss. People should marry for love because if you marry for any other reason you will have problems. I believe you are in this marriage because you love each other. Marriage vows should be taken seriously all the time, in this case your husband should remember the “for better or worse” line. At times things do not go our way but we still endure and soldier on.
Do not eat your heart, out you do not need to look for someone to take your place and have a baby for your husband, NO! Children are extras that God gives some marriages. People should learn to count their blessings. It is wrong to look down upon a childless couple as less fortunate because they have so many other gifts. We serve a very fair God so instead of being unhappy be glad that you have each other, you could have died as a result of the complications that arose when you gave birth.
What happened is very unfortunate because it was unforeseen. You both need to go through counselling so that you accept your predicament. I will connect you to an organisation that will work with you if you are interested. Your husband should not rub salt on old wounds, for now focus on consoling each other. After sometime we can talk about fostering or adopting a child if need be, dambudziko iri ngarikubatanidzei murudo rwekutanga kwete kukuparadzanisai. Remember God will never leave you alone, pray for your situation and for each other. This is where we start from. I hope family and friends will assist you during this difficult time. I will be in touch, all the best.
