Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: “I can’t have babies”

I can’t have babies

MAI CHISAMBA, thank you so much for your column. I need help urgently.

I think as a young woman I achieved most of the things that are expected of a girl my age. I know the sky is the limit and I still hope to do more. I really don’t want to delve into my personal medical history, all I want to say is at 27 years of age ndakatobviswa chibereko (hysterectomy) which is not very common.

After the operation I fell in love with my now husband but I did not mention this to him during our courtship because I just didn’t know how to go about it. Hapana wechikuru akataura pamusoro pazvo then I got carried away. Now we are planning for a white wedding since he has paid lobola.

The other day I was taken aback when he said we should plan our family, the question that nearly killed me is he asked how many kids we would want to have. I had to give an answer I said two and we were in agreement.

I know I can’t have babies after this operation, ndoita sei? What will happen if he discovers this or hears from some of my relatives. I love my husband, please help, I am so scared.

Response

Thank you for following our column. I will start by asking you a question that will knock a bit of sense into your head. You know once you have this kind of an operation there are no two ways about it, you can’t have babies unless you consider adoption or otherwise. Why didn’t you tell him about this during your courtship? Why did you go through all this without asking for help or at least counselling? Why do you take marriage as a joke?

I always say this is a true lifetime commitment and it’s bottlenecked, it’s not easy to come out without breaking someone’s heart. Marriage is an institution where you can’t have skeletons in your cupboard.

I will be very honest with you, this is really very sad for you as a couple and for both your families, ana tete naanamai havana kuita basa ravo, especially from your side. My advice is before you tie the knot is to let him know the truth then it will be up to him to carry on or to withdraw. This is a big deal; it’s not a thing you can just sweep under the carpet.

For this reason I think you need to see professional counsellors or a competent pastor who will touch on adoption as an option. I know in our culture some people are still sceptical about adoption asi isu tine zimhuri redu riya rinonzi pachirungu extended family hamungazomboshaye mwana wekuchengeta.

I wish you all the best. Please once more I beg tell him everything he needs to know, hapana chakavandika muwanano. I hope to hear from you soon. Good luck.

Is she really my mother?

Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. I follow your column every Sunday with keen interest. Mai Chisamba ,my relationship with my mother is rock bottom, we don’t communicate in any way. Let me just give you a background of how it started.

The day my husband came with his delegation to pay lobola, my mother shocked everyone who had come because she showed that she was not part and parcel of what was going on. As if this was not enough she went away to sell her wares.

I am happily married now. I am now a mother of two, my eldest is in fourth grade and the other in Grade One. Believe it or not, she does not speak to these innocent kids. My sisters are not even allowed to visit me, vanotoita zvekuhwanda.

The reason for this letter is that my mother has gone a step further and this is just unbelievable. She sent a text message to my husband telling him kuti unoziva here kuti ugere nepfambi. I don’t understand this. I know my father is hen-pecked but izvi hazviite. Zvakawanda zvavari kundiitira, I wonder if she is my real mother.

Response

Thank you for writing in and thank you for following our column. Thank you for pouring out your heart, but I still wish to have heard the other side of the story. This is most unusual especially between mother and daughter. It seems your mother did not approve of your husband from the very word go. How can a mum go away to sell her wares the day her girl gets married?

This should have been addressed there and then, moto wakaramba uchingoshikita. I don’t understand why your mother does not even speak to her grandchildren, what have these kids done? Why is your father silent when your home is on fire? You did not tell me whether you had a confrontation with your mother before all this drama started.

My advice is two-pronged although I go with the first one because you are family, vakuru vanoti ukama haugezwe no matter what happens. Talk to vana sekuru navana maiguru, her brothers and sisters and find out why. Sending such a text message to a son-in-law is both un-African and unheard of. What is she trying to achieve? This will obviously bring mistrust in your marriage. There is need for you guys to talk and iron out your differences, you need each other. Amai should also be reminded kuti imhosva kutumira mamessage akadaro pama phone.

The second option is to go legal; you will definitely need a peace order so that Amai does not harass your husband or iwe neipi nzira zvayo. For now let’s start with the first option and see how it goes. It will be a good thing for you and your mum to get reconciled. She should accept your husband because that is your choice, it must be respected. Musarambe makasungirana moyo, kuregererana kwakakosha upenyu hudiki diki.

What a mother-in-law

Mai Chisamba, how are you? I have an issue with my mother-in-law. I don’t want to call her names, but havaite. She has three sons and two daughters but tadhanganyiswa musoro, gossip is her speciality, kuzoti double standards zvakaoma. Mai Chisamba, it’s very sad for this family, there is a lot of mistrust and hatred. I was talking to my husband the other day ndichimuti mhuri yenyu inovengana kupfuura countries that are at war.

Now the worst is even the kids don’t see eye to eye, vanoroora nevanoroorwa vanongo svikoita join in, it’s unhealthy. Our father-in-law passed away a decade ago and this notorious woman is in charge. She is always going round mudzimba dzedu and pese pavabva panosara nyaya, most of them dzekunyepa.

How can we stop this? How can our kids and family be rescued? Amwene ivava mukadzi wechurch but what she does is the opposite of what is taught. I am very concerned. To begin with I thought it was none of my business but now it’s beginning to affect me through my kids and husband. This family needs deliverance.

RESPONSE

I am fine thank you. It’s always good to get feedback from our readers. Yes you are right, what a mother-in-law! These are some of the people who tarnish the name vamwene.

I agree this family needs deliverance and prayer is one of the best solutions.

Let’s take your letter step by step. From the way you write and the concern you have over these issues I can tell that you come from a good family background and all this is new in your life, vanozvarwa mazviri nevanobva kwazviri vanongokwana pasina chakashata chavanoona. It’s really sad that this kind of life is now affecting the kids ah! No God forbid. Be warned that this is not going to be easy but at times challenges are worth tackling especially for the good of the family at large. Kana wadenha mangwiro, unotochama.

I suggest you call for a meeting inouya the three sons, the two daughters and their spouses. In this meeting don’t mention names, talk about issues affecting the family e.g. gossip, mistrust, hatred, double standards and so forth. Udzanai chokwadi pasina kuzeza nekuti vangani vari kuona kuipa kwazvo. Come up with possible solutions, communication plays a pivotal role in everyone’s life. You may be surprised to see that mese hapana anoda hupenyu hweruvengo. The key is how do you guard against all these vices?

Mukabatana munogona kutopedza nyaya mega, rambai kuita nekuteerera zvisingavake mhuri. By so doing you will have disarmed amai. There are other options like going through amai’s family or even roping the pastor, but for now let’s take the first option and see how it goes. Please let me know the results of your family meeting. Good luck.

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  • matindodii

    If they really love each other and have money, they are ways. First option: if the ovaries were left in place eggs can be harvested, fertilised with the husband’s sperm and planted into a surrogate woman’s womb.
    Secondly: they can find donor eggs
    Thirdly: Now they do womb transplants
    Fourthly: the husband can get a second wife!
    But seriously you should have said so uchiri kutonyengwa. “Shamwari urikundida hako asi ini handizvare”. How can you keep such information from a prospective husband?

  • John – not really name!!!

    Yes it makes more sense to be honest. In the end it saves a lot of head aches. I am actually lookin’ for a woman who CAN’T have kids myself. I am not very inclined to kids myself, and might consider adoption a single one later on in life, so if you know of any…