The Sunday Mail
I can’t continue living a lie
I hope you will understand my problem, it is a very big one. Maybe let me make a confession.
Handipenge, very normal, educated, I mean degreed and civilised. I am married and we have a lovely son who is named after me. My wife is a humble woman and very understanding, ane basa repamusoro. I rate her as one of the best wives one can ever find.
The truth about the whole issue is I don’t love my wife, I actually have zero feelings for her. I said this is a confession so let me pour out. I have never told anyone but I feel it’s time to open up and get advice.
I married her out of peer pressure from my church and family. Kwedu vanoti unofanira kuroora musikana wemuchurch so she appeared the best given the type of girls who were available. Just before I committed I told my father kuti there was no connection between me and this girl, Mai Chisamba ndakapengerwa. My wife is innocent, she doesn’t know about this.
The truth is I can’t continue living like this, the crack is getting bigger and bigger. Don’t get me wrong, I am not attracted to anyone as of now I just want to come out clean.
Mai Chisamba you always say chinonzi conscience ndiye munhu, surely this is killing me. In my sight she is just like one of our church members. Please help I don’t want to spend the rest of my life pretending I never loved my wife.
Response
Maiwe zvangu! What a confession. How I long for the day when spouses will understand that marriage is not about their parents nor their churches, it’s about two individuals. I don’t want to dwell too much on other people’s church policies because I feel it’s not my place.
Surely you cannot compel people to find love within church because it’s not conducive and it brings about problems like yours, no wonder why we have so many unhappy marriages.
We have an adage which clearly states that “moyo muti unomera paunoda” ko kana pasina waunoda muchurch macho? Food for thought. I feel churches should not make it a condition, but this is my own opinion.
Why did you go through all the stages when you felt that there was no connection? Why did you go on to have a son with a woman you never loved? Your wife may be deeply in love, here we are talking about true emotions, unozviita sei?
Why did you allow yourself to be so selfish? This kind of behaviour is unChristian? Ko muri kunamateiko? I am sorry to sound so hard and harsh to you, but I have no other way. This is not a one-man band, we have to think of your wife and son also. For this reason let’s do it step by step.
I think your own father failed you, instead of blowing up he should have raised the alarm. For now I think you need to go through professional counselling because there is a lot at stake. If this does not help then we take it a gear up.
I bear with you I know it’s not easy to live a lie, I commend you for your boldness. It takes a lot to open up. Last but not least you need to pray about this seriously kuti Mwari vajekese zvavanoda. There is great power in prayer. Mwari vakuwanire nyasha.
My husband is too blind to see
My problem is really stressing me out.
I don’t know how to solve it without being unpopular in some circles. Murume wangu ane manyemwe, I don’t know what the English equivalent for this word is. We run a family business which includes a shop, restaurant, bottle store and a flea market.
The truth is we started from scratch and we have achieved this through hard work and determination. I think my husband has forgotten where we came from.
He is naturally a generous person and this I can’t take away from him. These days we don’t make as much profit as we used to because baba vakuita kunge Father Christmas.
There is nothing wrong in giving something for free to a friend or family member once in a while. Angouya chete, torai icho necho, and I feel a lot of people are now taking advantage of this gesture.
Mai Chisamba, I know you will agree that in businesses such as ours one does not realise bulk profits. Zvinhu zviri kudzikira, my husband is too blind to see. Toita sei? Kubottle store some of his married friends now bring their girlfriends and I don’t like this because I know their wives and we have a good relationship.
He gives these guys free drinks every now and then, vanoonererwa vachingoti it’s on me. I asked him about this, he lied and gave a few lame excuses. Ndibatsirewo please ndakunzi kakadzi kacho ndiko kanonyima.
Response
I hear you and I can feel for you, starting from scratch is not an easy thing. Manyemwe in this case is the word to describe your husband who should realise that business is business. If he wants to provide his friends with drinks he should buy so that your stocks are balanced.
Vamwe vanokangamwa chazuro nehope, you need to sit down and talk about this before you go bankrupt. My advice is look for someone independent and financially disciplined to be in charge. If your husband is generous as you say buy a few give-aways but keep these at home vanouya kumba ndivo vanopihwa.
Let your friends and family know that you don’t give away stocks from the company. The married friends should respect your place, it’s not a brothel. I think the easiest way of sending this message to them is to go and help out in the bottle store and when they come don’t say anything, just be there I tell you vanotiza sehuku dzaona gondo.
Every month tarisai loss yenyu neprofit, this will help. Don’t just carry on, it is in your best interest to know. Itaiwo basa rine matargets, how much do you bank per day, week or month? What is your graph showing? Don’t worry when people call you names kuti ndiko kanonyima, continue to do good for them and the company.
The same people will turn around and shower you with praises, vanonzi vanhu, vanosanduka nguva nenguva.
Last but not least unombofungawo here kuti sei murume wako asingatsiure shamwari dzinouya nema girlfriends ihwo hurwere hwakatekeshera kudai? Food for thought. Good luck.
Handidi kujairirwa!
I follow your column and I am one of your big fans. Please I need urgent advice because my spirit is broken, I don’t know if I am over-reacting or not. Last month we had a family function kumusha so I bought a few items including some clothes for my divorced tete (husband’s sister) and her two kids.
Some of the things were new but I also gave her good second-hand clothes from me and my kids. When I gave her she just said isayi henyu apo and that was that. I did not want to read much into this but was surprised.
Pane zvakataurika as I collected through the grapevine but to cut a long story short muzukuru akandiudza kuti tete vakapa most of the things kumukomana wemombe nemukadzi wake.
What hurts me most is what she said, “Handisi bin, ngavarase mamvemve avo kuHarare kana kumusha kwake kusina varombo. Ko kumbopawo iri mari zvinoramba here?” Mai Chisamba I am really angry, would I be wrong if I go and confront her and then take back all that I had given her? Handidiwo futi kujairirwa!
Response
My big fan, thank you so much for reading our column. First you need to cool down and remember two wrongs will never make a right. You also need to be very careful about rumours that come through the grapevine. How reliable is this muzukuru? In most cases hapana anoita guhwa nemunhu waasingavimbe naye.
You have to be very careful with people who bring news to you because they will never tell you about their side of the story. How did muzukuru respond to this juicy gossip?
My advice is don’t sink to their level, there is no need to confront tete or to even talk about it. When you give, it should always be from the heart, but if a part of you tells you to go and take back the stuff, then it means you had not given from the heart.
Please be the bigger person here, wakuda kunotorerawo mukomana wemombe? Pamwe ari kutotenda Mwari kuti kubata kwenyu kunoshamisa, don’t burst his balloon. I always say when you do good, God will appreciate, never mind about people.
Muhupenyu munotaurika zvakawanda, zvimwe zvausingambofa wakanzwa saka usatambudzike nezvishoma zvaunenge wazonzwa. Be of good cheer, don’t lose your sleep over some cheap gossip, life goes on. Asi wazondinakidza pawati haudi kujairirwa, aiwaka tete vatokujairiraka ipapa, but don’t worry, it cuts no flesh from you. Good luck, big fan, and take it easy on the pedal.
