Friend or foe?

Thank you so much for your column, it’s so helpful. Mai Chisamba, mine is a very sad story.

I was betrayed by my friend. I am so hurt and almost in disbelief. My story in brief is I am madly in love with a married man. This guy says he is not happy with his wife so I fell for him when he was desperately looking for someone who would make him happy.

Mai Chisamba, this man confessed to have found true love and happiness. We have a two-year-old son and he has three daughters with his wife and he is so excited. We are both happy with this arrangement, but we try as much as possible to play it cool and easy because his wife is extremely jealous. My problem is my friend is now going out with my man and she is now pregnant. I am so furious last week I went to her house because I wanted to punch her in the nose, but she was not there, ndinotomurova chete.

I used to confide in her not knowing that behind my back this is what she was doing. I discovered this when I went through my man’s phone. I asked him and he admitted and said it was my friend who came onto him first. Mai Chisamba, this is killing me, ndoita sei? How can my friend do this to me? How can I trust this man? Ndatadza kurara kana kuzorora, ndibatsireiwo amai.

Response

Thank you for reading my column and thank you for writing in. It’s unfortunate that when I respond I direct my answers to the writer but in this instance I feel like writing to the wife of this man, I mean his official wife. I have nothing against you but I strongly feel that you need therapy, you don’t even know the difference between zvako nezvisiri zvako. You have a son by this man, your friend is expecting a child from the same man, ko chiiko chanyanyonetsa? You say your friend betrayed you, how?

You want to go and punch her in the nose and you do sound so furious ko wakaitweiko?

If truth be told muri mbavha mbiri dzirikurwira nekuvengerana zvisiri zvenyu. It should be the official wife writing for advice not any one of you. What a bunch of friends? Iyi ndiyo inonzi urban decay.

This man is like a rotten tomato, he cheats on his wife and even cheats on the so-called small house. So he has a wife, a mistress and a girlfriend? Ah No! God forbid. My advice to you is do not create families with married men, it is not good for your children.

In most cases children brought up this way feel like second class citizens in life and in the end they lose respect for their mothers because nhasi pane vamwe baba mangwana vamwe.

Do not begrudge your friend, instead both of you should seek professional counselling and also go for tests so that you know your status.

The man you are going out with may be spreading diseases anorarama sebhuru re kanzuru (council) chairo. Keep your pride, don’t be tricked into falling for such men, what kind of happiness can you provide yakatadzwa nemukadzi wake?

It’s just a gimmick, it’s never too late to start afresh, turn over a new leaf and move on. You are still young and have a lot of potential, find your own man. For your information, the sex of a child is not significant, mwana mwana chete. Last but not least, upenyu hunotoshandirwa ukada kupihwa tunhu you will be taken advantage of. I wish you all the best.

My wife is a big spender

MAI Chisamba, thank you very much for your column.

My problem is that my wife does not think about the future. She is very wasteful, even if we budget together she will still go out of budget through borrowing and at times buying things that she does not even need. If you come to my house you would think we were moving out, cardboard boxes everywhere umu mune mapoto, umu ma blankets umu tupperware, the list is endless.

Our house is not big as a result it compromises the cleaning process. Three quarters of the calls she gets ndedzekubvunzwa zvikwereti. We have two kids in primary school, I always say we need to save for our children and invest for our future.

Yes she is employed but ndiwo ma office aye anotengesa kupfuura core business repo. How can one have a combined budget with such a spend-thrift? I don’t even know when we are going to use these things stashed away in boxes. Mai Chisamba, kutaura kunonetsa, zvikaramba zvakadai ini ndinongotamba yangu.

Response

Thank you so much for reading my column. Yes your wife has a problem, she has a collective instinct; hoarding can be very addictive. Hurwere hunotoda kubatsirana. If one is going to be constantly over budget, then it’s not good for the family, the buying loses its purpose.

Keeping things in boxes is weird it means one does not have immediate use for them. It just does not compromise the cleaning of the house it compromises your health as well because munenge mogara mutsvina.

Before she borrows she must think twice about the wellbeing of the children and of the family at large. Yes, people buy in excess here and there, but it should not be a habit and it should not bring misery to the marriage. Let’s not take this lightly she needs to speak to a professional counsellor and you should support her when she goes through this anotoda kubhebhenurwa maziso. I don’t understand you when you say if she carries on unobva watamba yako.

Ndiyo ipiko iyoyo? Always remember in marriage you are considered as one. Kutamba yako ceases when you tie the knot and say I do. I want to thank you for being a good husband who has the future of his family at heart; it’s a rare commodity these days. Put your foot down and say for now whatever needs to be purchased will be bought after you make a collective decision. I hope this works out well, I would be happy to hear from you again.

Mbereko yaramba

Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well.

I am a married man, who had a big wedding in 2008 but up to now we don’t have any children. To begin with, my mother had said no to a white wedding because vaiti zvinodaidza mhepo.

How I wish I had taken her advice. My wife’s barrenness has affected our relationship negatively. I have tried nearly everything but nothing seems to work, kushandirwa kuchurch dzemweya, kun’anga chaiko even kuclinic ndakaenda.

My problem is the family is now saying I should let my wife go because she can’t have children. I am not very keen on this advice because I love my wife. Mai Chisamba, hazvisi better here kuroora mumwe mukadzi ndoita hangu barika? A marriage without children is so empty. Please help I am so confused and my wife is both unhappy and guilty about the whole issue.

Response

I am very well, thank you, and how are you? In this letter you are just talking about yourself. You say you have been to several places seeking help and yet you don’t go with your wife. Marriage is about two people.

Secondly you did not tell me the results yekwese kwawakaenda. Why are you so sure that it is your wife who is barren? My advice is stick to one place when seeking help if you are serious. You have been all over.

If I were to choose for you I would say the hospital way is the best because you will both come out with scientific evidence. Zvimwe izvi munogona kuudzwa kuti mbereko iri kusungwa nambuya vakafa, then what’s next?

Muchamutsa mbuya here? You can’t ask mbuya, you can’t communicate with her directly but it’s entirely up to you, hero jira kufuka kana kuwarira.

The other thing you should consider is that people marry for love and this has nothing to do with children. God is the giver of all gifts and some of them may be children.

Don’t frustrate your wife please protect her from some of your family members who want her sent away. Nyaya yembereko is very tricky it might be you with this problem zvinozokunyadzisa mangwana. If you concentrate too much on having children and not getting the result you want, it will eat away at your mind.

You are not a baby-making factory. Ikoko ndiko kuno shandwa ne target kuti muchina ukatendereka katatu panobuda hembe dzakati. Don’t lose hope, you still can have children, seven years is not even a long time had it not been for the pressure put on you by your relatives.

The other option is you can consider adoption or fostering, but you need to go through professional counselling to appreciate this. Last but not least don’t let other people decide the fate of your wife, hazviitwe izvozvo. Continue to love and protect your wife and remember you can’t marry a second wife unosungwa muchato wako i Chapter 5.11 hautendedzi. I wish you all the best.

Write to: [email protected] or WhatsApp (only) 0771415747