The Sunday Mail
Hubby could be firing blanks
I hope I find you well, mine is a very sad story. I married a divorcee after a friend introduced him to me. We dated for a year before he paid lobola for me.
During our courtship he would talk about his former wife a lot. He told me the reason for their divorce was because the wife could not bear any children. He says he loves children so much and a home without them feels empty. This is our forth year together and I still have no child.
He claims to have had two from different mothers and these came about when he tried with other women other than his wife. His wife has since re-married and now has a daughter. He did not want me to know about it but I got it through their sahwira anongomwaukawo. He confronted him and demanded that my husband explain what is going on. He was not amused and left in a huff.
The so-called baby mamas are really getting on my nerves. They are always calling demanding money or asking him to go and see the kids for different reasons. We have a joint account and budget, this is killing me. His family calls him by one of the children’s names kuti baba vaTendai. He stayed with his wife and never had a child and now he still has no child with me so what’s going on?
Does sahwira know something that I am not aware of in this family? I am heartbroken I feel like walking out on him because these two women are draining the joy out of me. Even if he gets a call after we have retired to bed he wakes up, dresses up and goes to attend to the particular child’s problem. How do I know that it is about the child? Please assist this is affecting my health and even my job.
Response
Thank you very much for writing in. The time that you date someone is the time you learn about what that person would be like as a spouse. The manner in which you communicate and stories you talk about will depict your future. Yes, a friend introduced you to this divorcee and you made your choice and fell for this guy. He used to bad mouth his former wife and you thought it was fine.
He told you the reason for their divorce was because the wife did not bear any children. This should have rang a very loud bell in your ears. Marriage is about genuine love this is the reason why people commit. It is not about children, although they are precious they are a special gift from God and it is only him who can bless a marriage with this. This is the reason why some marriages have no children but have been blessed with other gifts in life. In my view this guy was not looking for love but for a surrogate mother to bear him children and you should have seen that.
You knew he was a cheat from the very word go but you proceeded to marry him why? He told you he sired two children with two different women while he was married to his first wife; what did you make of that? This guy is abusing women, already four have been involved with him and he has wreaked havoc in their lives. He has no respect for you as his wife. How can he jump out of his marital bed to go and attend to baby mamas?
These children of course are innocent I suggest you talk to your hubby about going to court so that a proper arrangement be made. There should be a way he can pay for maintenance and when he can see the kids. The other thing that can put your mind to rest is to take the kids for DNA tests. I know after vasahwira vawochomoka pakaita kakukahadzika so the paternity has to be established. I do not want to doubt anything but why is it vana vari kuitika kunze chete and not in marriage?
The two of you should go and be checked by a medical doctor so that your fears and suspicions are put to rest also. Do not worry about those calling him baba vaTendai it does not add or subtract anything to your marriage. My final question is do you love each other because you never mentioned this? Pray sincerely and tell God the desires of your heart and he will do it for you.
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Mob psychology got the best of me
I am on the verge of tears as I am writing this letter. I am happily married and a mother of two.
I come from a family of six (three sisters and three brothers). We have been a very tight family until recently. My eldest sister was like my best friend so we did a lot together. She is married and has two children. The relationship with my uncle’s family (babamudiki) my father’s brother is not good nenyaya dzekungofungirana mumhuri. Earlier this year our cousin was preparing for a white wedding and for once they tried to extend an olive branch.
I advised my sister that we should all go out and support and even offer to attend their planning meetings. My sister akati wapindwa nei can you not see that they are just after our money let’s ignore everything. She even said we should boycott the wedding just like what they do when we have our family functions. I took her word for it but deep inside I felt guilty. I thought this was the best time to bridge the gap that had existed for many years. In our family it is only me and my sister who live in Harare.
The others are dotted across the country except for our youngest sister who is in the UK. I even sent an email to my sister trying to convince her that this was the time for a proper reconciliation but she turned me down. The reason why I am writing to you is after all my efforts my sister went and joined forces with our cousins behind my back.
She did not attend the meetings because she had officially excused herself but she would provide drinks and eats for these meetings. She paid half the bill for the invitation cards and offered to do more. The worst is she even attended the wedding ini ndakatotsvaga kwekuenda to avoid this. Once my hubby had warned me about my sister’s double standards but I dismissed that. She has betrayed me and everyone thinks I am the problem.
Why did she not tell me that she had made a U-turn ndakajoinawo? What does this mean? I cannot make head from tail since then my sister and I are not talking and it is hurting our families that were so close. She kept their communication secretly. I got to know this after the wedding when my parents asked me why ndisina kuendawo.
Response
Thank you for your letter. Behaving as a group is very common in some families and even in this column. One thing you should remember is families are composed of individuals. Each individual has a capacity to reason and make constructive decisions if one so wishes. You should never treat anyone like a demigod.
You refused to listen to your sixth sense when you felt guilty about the whole thing. You dismissed your husband when he picked up on how your sister was two faced. Had you listened some of these problems could have been avoided. Your cousins had done very well but it is not too late to correct this. It is very noble to reconcile this is what mends family disputes. Start with your sister, ignoring one another does not solve anything.
Do not send an email go to her and tell her how you feel, let your spouses be present because what is going on affects them too. Tauriranai chokwadi mupedzerane.
The next port of call is to go and see the newlyweds and congratulate them it is not too late to take your gift with you if it comes from the heart. You can organise a family get together even over a cup of tea just to mix and mingle. There is no need for all this animosity ropa harigezwe whether vanoshereketa or not you remain family. We have an adage which says ‘zano unopanga uine rako’ because if you do not you will be taken advantage of. Your sister in this case backstabbed you and yet you were the one who had seen the light first.
Mob psychology does not work chindenda hachivaki musha. For families out there please strive to do what is right, teaming up against each other does not help. Do good even when no one is watching you, do not be used see how you were played by your own sister. It is only one life to live and a very short one at that, enjoy it while it lasts. Pray for your families and for power to choose what is best for mankind all the time. I wish you all the best.
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Maiguru is a terrible mother
MAI CHISAMBA, I love this column. The letter published on September 18, titled “Parents sucking us dry”, prompted me to also write in.
You are correct when you say people just pick what they want and run with it without getting the real sense and meaning. That letter raised a very heated debate at our work place, some co-workers of mine accused the guy of not wanting to care for his parents. Some stood by the adage chirere chigokurerawo. His letter was straight forward, he said his parents should fend for themselves when they can kwete kungoita sevasina all the time. I am a victim of something similar. I am happily married.
I am a mother of two beautiful kids. My brother-in-law is married too and they have three kids, this is my husband’s elder brother. We go to the same church, every service has a time duration of three hours. I know as a mother that these are long hours for the kids so I pack drinks and snacks for them. I do not mind when my kids share their food with maiguru’s kids. What hurts me now is my sister-in-law thinks it is my duty to bring food for all the five kids.
There is no arrangement about this at all. At times the kids fight when the food is not enough but havambobatikana nazvo. She actually sends her kids to me when they cry for drinks and snacks. I hate this Mai Chisamba, what kind of a mother is she? We all go to work so I do not understand this. I have not complained to my husband because he may not understand this. These are tough times for most people handisi muzhanje ini. The worst is my spirit is dampened and I can no longer concentrate in church. Please assist, how do I come out of such a temptation without being misunderstood?
Response
Thank you for writing in and correctly deciphering the real problem that guy had with his parents. Yes, the letter raised a lot of debate, even I received a lot of feedback about the issue from fans of the column. I appreciate working with the readers and I also emphasise that people should ponder greatly over issues that resonate with them that are raised in some letters. For now, let us put that letter aside and deal with your issue.
I hear you and I feel for you. I will repeat this over and over again until our people get it right. A lot of relationships across the board have been destroyed because of people going in circles and not expressing themselves. If you do not want the horse to bolt out, you need to fix the door on the stable. There is a lot of gossiping in most families because people pretend to be happy when they are not.
This is why people get to a breaking point and no one will know what will have brought them to that. You have not told maiguru, neither have you told your husband but this has gone to a point where your spirit is now affected. Saka kuchurch muri kuenda kunotsamwa here? That is the opposite of what fellowship at church is about. There is nothing wrong in making an arrangement for the kids with your sister in-law, you are family.
Put it in a nice way and suggest to maiguru that you should take turns to bring eats for your children. You can even split it so that it is not too heavy on one party the other provides drinks and the other provides snacks, matopedza. Musazeze varume venyu seshumba kani inyaya yanamai but there is nothing wrong in telling your spouses.
You will be surprised by their response they may even volunteer to chip in. Friends and families out there please learn to speak out when there is something bothering you. Do not bottle up everything or you will end up building storms in tea cups. There is always a good way of putting a message across. Pray for your families, kids and your spirit, motadzira kuenda kudenga tuma chips here? I am not saying this is trivial but do not let it destroy you. Be of good cheer and it shall be well. I wish you all the best.
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