The Sunday Mail
Pastors Davison & Gwen Kanokanga
THE reasons why marital fires die down can be summarised in the following words:
“Relationships can gather stress and begin to falter either because we persist in doing things that hurt the relationship or because we fail to do the things that are necessary to keep it alive and well. Our sins in other words may be sins of omission or sins of commission’.’ Sins of omission or commission include but are not limited to the following:
Refusing to leave one’s parents
Any spouse who refuses or neglects to leave his or her parents, physically, mentally and emotionally as instructed by the scriptures cannot cleave to his or her spouse. Such a spouse will continue giving priority to his or her parents when in fact marriage demands a shift in priorities from one’s parents to one’s spouse.
This of course does not mean abandoning or disrespecting one’s parents. Unless you leave your parents and cleave to your spouse, the marital fire will die down.
Hurts: Dr Bob Moorehead writes that “hurts come in all shapes and sizes, they come in all degrees of devastation, hurts occur when one spouse basically ignores the other, hurts occur when a spouse belittle and puts down the other, hurts occur when a spouse has been taken advantage of, is lied to or is taken for granted.
“Many hurts come when a wife for example, feels she is no longer a viable part of the marriage relationship and that somehow she does not matter, doesn’t count or isn’t relevant to the family anymore other than a dishwasher and laundry lady”.
Neglect: This is a sin of omission which normally begins by taking your spouse and your marriage for granted. Neglect is a slow killer, it slowly kills love. Once love is killed a sense of abandonment or rejection sets in. Those that have suffered rejection know that, “Rejection is a very hurtful experience. It is always perceived as personal because I have offered myself and it is not my possessions but my person that has been turned down.”
There are many things that can be neglected in a marriage. It is possible for you to neglect your body, your responsibilities, your children, your spouse or some issues in your marriage that call for attention. Never make the mistake of neglecting your spouse’s feelings, thoughts, concerns and needs.
Busyness: You should never be too busy for yourself, your children or your spouse. Is it possible for one to be too busy for herself or himself? Yes it is. You can be so busy that you have no time for relaxation or recreation. You can be so busy that you don’t have time to develop yourself or invest in your marriage. It is possible for you to be so busy that you have no time for your spouse or your children. There are some people who, though married, are very lonely simply because their spouse is hardly at home or if at home, is mentally or emotionally absent. Busyness stifles communication and leads to neglect. It extinguishes the marital fire.
Criticism, nagging and fault finding: These can be individually and collectively be very destructive. No marriage can blossom where there is constant criticism, nagging and fault finding. The Bible says a quarrelsome and nagging wife annoys like constant dripping on a rainy day. The Scripture applies to men with equal force.
In other words, a critical, quarrelsome and nagging husband is an annoyance. He is an irritant whose marriage is not likely to enjoy peace and tranquillity.
You cannot possibly expect marital bliss from a couple that does not know joy, peace and happiness, or a couple that is given to pettiness, that is to say blowing minor issues out of proportion. The reason for this is that “if you are always nit picking, fighting and arguing with each other, you will wear each other out”.
Ingratitude: Tom Marshall describes ingratitude as “Taking what we can get from the other person without appreciation or thanks, sometimes without even the recognition that thanks would be appropriate”.
When you start not thanking or appreciating your spouse, it by implication means that you see nothing of value or significance in your spouse or what he or she does. This is normally a result of taking each other for granted.
An ungrateful spouse is a discouragement. Such a spouse makes it difficult – if not impossible – for the marital fire to keep burning.
Pastors Davison and Gwen Kanokanga are the founders of Impact Christian Centre and The Marriage Centre. Visit www.impactchristiancentre.net
