Matrimonial Hub: The art of problem solving

21 Jun, 2015 - 00:06 0 Views

The Sunday Mail

Apostle Langton Kanyati

When a problem surfaces in marriage, postponing the discussion will not fix it. You should not brush it aside or go separate ways. Deal with it.

Men, normally, are guilty of this. Women point out a problem in the hope that their husbands will join them in searching for a solution. Yet men tend to be more simplistic, less concerned about details and have little patience when it comes to discussing issues they do not consider a problem.

No matter how petty you think an issue is, the fact that it has been raised means there is a problem. It may not matter to you but it matters to your spouse. So don’t ignore it.

Avoiding or delaying discussions will not make the problem disappear. Regardless of how you feel, feelings don’t solve problems. What matters is that there is a conflict and you cannot enjoy your marriage when it is unresolved.

Sometimes when a spouse raises an issue, we tend to become offended and defensive. Instead of carefully listening to each other we get tired and give up. In some cases, while the spouse is speaking the other stops listening and uses that time to formulate his/her next verbal attack.

Psychologically, when one feels that one is being attacked, one’s fight or flight instinct is switched on. This is a common instinct that can be seen in any animal. If you attack a snake, for example, its instinct of self-defence and survival will either cause it to fight or flee.

Human beings have this same instinct. This means that whoever begins a discussion has the power to determine his/her spouse’s positive or negative reaction.

Some problems can be dealt with without involving your spouse. So why can’t you just deal with them? You push for your partner to deal with it because you are avoiding the consequences and as such you put your spouse in a difficult situation.

In any case, any conversation that begins in an accusatory or critical tone will invite a fight or flight reaction. The problem should be presented in a way that is not accusatory.

Don’t start by saying, “You don’t think!” “I don’t know why I got married to you!” “You are an animal, all you care about is sex!” or “You are careless, you can’t even save money!”

This is an attack on the person and there will be temptation to fight back. Sometimes individuals say this in the presence of friends or relatives. Such demeaning of your spouse causes all those hearing you not to respect him/her.

While there are things you may not be happy about, such a direct attack will not solve the problem. How will you react/feel if this is said to you?

So the way a conversation starts determines whether or not the other partner is willing to participate.

Words can inflict hurt, cause feelings of inferiority and stir anger. They can also show appreciation, boost self-esteem, and stimulate sexual drives. Of course communication involves the meeting of minds, but it does involve the exchange of words.

Think how the words “I love you” affect a person.

A good communicator is a good listener. When your partner brings up a problem resist the temptation to defend/justify yourself. Listen first and gather information.

Listening is key to knowing and understanding your spouse. Give them opportunity to freely express themselves. Never assume that you already know what the problem is.

To communicate more effectively, consider your verbal exchange. Clarify the meaning of the words. Mind how you say your words. Guard against direct or indirect insult. Time your words.

Do not let your partner guess what you wanted to say and do not jump to conclusions. Seek clarity. There is no excuse for hurting your spouse physically, verbally, emotionally or in any other way. Being angry is not an excuse for hurting someone.

How many times do we get angry about something or someone at work? And what do we do, beat up our boss or workmate? Throw around the chairs? Don’t we learn how to manage our anger without hurting others around us?

You know that if you attack your boss or anyone else at your workplace, you will lose your job. You learn how to manage your anger to avoid inappropriate behaviour.

Learn to do the same with your loved ones. Never be aggressive towards them. And don’t use the excuse that you are just a short-tempered person. True love does not inflict pain. This also goes for any hurtful words that can erupt when a couple is having an argument.

Refuse to be dragged into the gutter by swearing at your spouse or attacking their character.

Treat your spouse with high standards. That’s what happy couples do. Refuse to accept harmful behaviour. The lower the tolerance for bad behaviour, the happier the couple will be over time.

For example, when your spouse swears at you and you retaliate, you both break the rules of behaving in a civilised manner. If you don’t fix the situation by apologising and promising to never act like that again, forget it!

Once you cross that line, you will cross it again until you end up reaching a point of no return.

So when your emotions are about to get the better of you and you feel like you are about to explode, remember this, “Love never hurts.”

Be civil.

If your spouse hurts your feelings, respectfully insist – without adding fuel to the fire – to treat each other with high standards. Enjoy your marriage.

Apostle Kanyati is the founder and president of Zoe LCM and Grace Unlimited Ministries. Email feedback at [email protected]. hatsApp on 0772 987 844.

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