The Sunday Mail
Pastors Davison & Gwen Kanokanga
THERE are people who rush to consider divorce as a solution to their marital problems without taking time to consider the consequences of their decision.
If people appreciated the judicial and non-judicial consequences of divorce they would be slow to consider divorce as an option. Instead, they would invest their time and energy in getting their marriage to work.
Consequences of divorce on the spouses
a) Divorce is one of the most emotionally devastating experiences a person can go through. In some way it is worse than the grief that one experiences when a loved one dies.
When a physical death occurs there is the trauma of the funeral and the period of intense grief that follows because of the loss.
The body is placed within a grave and a headstone is set to mark the place of interment.
Death also occurs when there is a divorce.
The relationship actually “dies.”
However, in divorce the “corpses” still walk around as constant reminders of the marriage’s demise. When a loved one dies they are gone and you don’t see them again. But with divorce the pangs of death are just as severe and frequently more so because you see the other person again, yet you can’t resurrect the relationship.
b) The divorce proceedings can bring about psychological, emotional and financial suffering. The financial implications of divorce can be huge if the divorce proceedings are contested and protracted.
c) Divorce litigation is a war where the focus is on winning. There is no privacy as you (the divorcing spouses) wash your dirty linen in public. You allow people who do not know you (that is magistrates and judges) to make important decisions about your future, your assets and your children.
d) While you can get a legal divorce, you cannot get an emotional divorce. Divorce tears you apart. Wherever you go, you take a part of your ex-spouse with you because before the divorce, you were one flesh with your spouse.
e) Divorce can change lifestyles. You lose your marriage dreams, your spouse, some of your friends, your relationship with your spouse’s family, your children (if you are not the custodian parent), your faith, confidence and trust in God.
f) As divorce represents the failure of the most important relationship in the lives of married people, you tend to feel that you are a failure. You feel that you have failed to live up to your marital vows – “till death do us part.”
g) When your spouse divorces you what they will be saying is that they are no longer interested in you. They no longer love and care for you. This results in feelings of rejection. Instead of seeing yourself as someone special, you start seeing and treating yourself as nothing.
h) People who go through divorce experience a great deal of anger.
“They become angry at their mate for causing the hurt. They become angry at themselves for letting this happen. And finally, they become angry at God, because somehow they feel He is responsible.”( Myron Rush, Hope for Hurting Relationships, page 150)
i) Divorce can lead to loneliness which in turn can tempt you to go into a new relationship, including an extra-marital relationship.
j) In the case of women, their male friends and acquaintances tend to treat news of divorce as an announcement that the divorced woman is now available for amorous adventures.
Their female friends on the other hand suddenly become very possessive of their husbands as they fear losing them to this predatory female.
k) Guilt. You at times will regret your decision to divorce. You ask yourself whether you did the right thing or whether there is something you could have done to save the marriage.
l) It results in the division of your matrimonial property. Your matrimonial house may be awarded to your spouse or it may be sold, resulting in your having to move to a new neighbourhood.
Consequences to your children
(a) The parent left with the children changes, indeed must change in order to cope and to assume the added role of the departed mate. That parent becomes a different individual with whom the children must become acquainted.
(b) Children feel rejected and believe that their feelings were not considered.
(c) As a result of divorce, children have to confront the fact that their parents cannot continue to live together. This introduces the fear that this might happen to them. Consequently, marriage starts losing its value and significance.
(d) Children tend to experience guilt. They blame themselves for the divorce. They tell themselves such things as “I should have behaved better” or “it was my fault.”
(e) Divorce confuses children. They do not know what to tell their friends, neither do they know how each of the parents will relate to them.
(f) Children are forced to live with the stigma of divorce. This can affect their self-esteem.
It is hoped that the consequences of divorce indicated above will discourage married people from rushing to terminate their marriages, it is hoped it encourages them to do all they can to make their marriages work. With your commitment and divine enablement, your marriage can work.
Pastors Davison & Gwendoline Kanokanga are founders and trustees of The Marriage Centre. They are also founders and senior pastors of Impact Christian Centre.
