Matrimonial Hub: A hero at work, a devil at home

12 Jul, 2015 - 00:07 0 Views

The Sunday Mail

A woman once said to her colleague, “My husband is great when he is not at home. He treats people well and everyone loves him, I am really surprised. Unfortunately when he is at home, he acts like the Devil.”

Apostle Kanyati

These words echo those many husbands and wives who are frustrated by the two-faced behaviour of their spouse. Such a syndrome is caused by a person’s failure to correctly process their negative emotions.

Unless we positively deal with our attitudes at home, we will continue to live a lie when we are among our workmates or friends.

Yet our spouses know exactly who we are and how we behave. Failure to unload your emotions in a useful and positive way will result in them accumulating. And we end up venting at our partner who we are supposed to show love.

Individuals hold emotions when at work because they feel that strangers should not have to put up with their frustrations. They then wrongly conclude that their partners are obligated to listen and understand, no matter how they behave.

This is why they show their worst side to their spouses, demonstrating much less care than they do for strangers.

Do not be well-mannered when it comes to strangers and unbearably painful at home.

Such an attitude causes a lot of wear and tear on your relationship. Deep wounds are created and you begin to grow distant and your love begins to cool. What you really need to understand is that, the person you are at home is who you really are. Your home is your mirror and mirrors never lie.

Those who suffer from the two-faced syndrome tend to make their situation worse when they note that their partner is always unhappy and complaining about their behaviour at home.

But when they are among friends and colleagues everyone looks up to and admires them. They end up concluding that their partner is the problem because everybody seems to like them except them. Yet the problem is clearly not their partner but them as those who apparently like them do not know their other side.

If they give their spouse the same respect and courtesy that they give strangers, they would receive the same in return.

The person you are at home is who you really are. Even if you divorce the partner who you think is the problem and get married to someone else who seems to be wonderful and admires you greatly, this new person will eventually see your other side and have the same complaints as the first partner.

The truth is that such a person is the one with the problem. Many can’t see this and go through life marrying this and that person, in an attempt to find the right one.

The question you need to ask yourself is, “Am I the right person myself?”

This self-evaluation will result in you working at changing your behaviour to become a better person.

What I see to be the problem is not that you have not found the right person, but rather that you are not behaving properly.

Do not behave in a rational way with outsiders and irrationally at home, projecting your negative emotions onto your partner.

This is why many individuals succeed at work and are complete failures at home. After all, charity begins at home.

Unless we commit to change as individuals, it does not matter who we marry or get married to, we will not have an enjoyable marriage. It does not take one of the spouse to have a great marriage but both.

When God joined you together, you were not a finished product as far as marriage is concerned. By the way shining a diamond takes effort, commitment and patience.

Keep polishing it, removing all the rough edges and you will be amazed with what will come out of the rough stone called your spouse.

The soul mate myth is one that has helped many couples side-step responsibility for the success or failure of marriage. This says that we all have a soul mate, someone who completes us and will make us perfectly happy.

Where did this come from? Greek mythology. It has infiltrated Christians without any Biblical precedent.

The idea sounds romantic and attractive. It intends to free spouses from responsibility and blame when marriage fails as people will say he or she was not your soul mate. People do not want to work at it; they want things to come easy.

They want happiness at the snap of a finger. We have an instant coffee mentality.

Based on this, people act on emotion not reason. Whenever they are faced with problems, they consider throwing in the towel.

Interestingly when we fail to resolve a problem at work we try again. We keep trying until we find the answer because the company is counting on us and this is how we make a living. We do not give up. We do not blame others rather we take responsibility for our work and search for an answer. We brush our feeling to the side and use intelligence, creativity and persistence in solving the problem.

We do whatever it takes. We never give up. A persistent spirit, tackling a problem without fear and finding an answer at all cost, this is the key to success in work and business.

Successful people do not run from problems, they face them. They know there is something to gain from every challenge; every problem presents an opportunity.

This is what you have to do in marriage. Challenges have power to transform your relationship and you as a person.

Don’t expect immediate change because it takes time for fruit to appear. This is long-term investment, especially when you are fighting to save your marriage all by yourself and your partner is set in his or her way or sceptical about your changes.

Don’t expect your partner to believe you have changed when you started acting differently only yesterday. You have to win over their trust, so be consistent.

They need to see that your change is real and permanent so accept this challenge for your marriage and for yourself. It will work out, do the right thing and you will see the results.

Enjoy your marriage and stay blessed.

 

Apostle Langton C Kanyati is the founder and president of Zoe Life Changing Ministries and Grace Unlimited Ministries. Email feedback at [email protected] and on WhatsApp number 0772 987 844.

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