The Sunday Mail
She has been ‘fixed’ not to marry
Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. The issue is like this, I was in love with my girlfriend and we were planning to get married.
The lady is an educator employed in a remote area in Mashonaland West. There is no network so she needs to go uphill in order to communicate with me. All along she could go and search for network in the morning and late after work, text me nicely as people who are in love do.
The person I am telling you about is so good. She is generous and really caring. She is lovely and has all the qualities of a good wife and she shows maturity. She loved me seriously.
The problem came mid-February on a Sunday when she got ill and was sent to a nearby clinic around 8pm. She had a terrible headache. My surprise is that after she got healed, the following day she changed completely.
She could simply say hie, then go offline. I was stressed from then onwards. Later she told me to look for another lady because she was claiming she was not the right person for me.
She said akagadzirwa kuti asarooreka, a ritual believed to have taken place long back when she was still a kid.
She denied all the help I offered and I assured her that God is the only one who can solve the problem and I started praying and fasting for the relationship.
She is a Seventh Day Adventist Church goer but I am surprised by her actions about the whole issue. She claims akaiswa chikomana, I don’t know if it’s a goblin or what, but I can feel this is the end of my relationship. I love her and am depressed, I am having sleepless nights everyday and I am heartbroken. I am helpless; I don’t know what to do.
Response
Thank you so much for writing in. After reading your letter I could see that this girl may no longer be interested in you, so in my opinion I think she has hatched a plan to dismiss you.
If she had this chikomana she now talks about angadai asina kana kutombodanana newe in the first place. According to your letter your girlfriend is a Christian and what she is saying is totally against her religion. God is above all these rituals and their effects, how come your girlfriend is stuck there?
If she is interested in you why is she refusing your assistance? I know it hurts especially if it comes as a surprise and it takes quite a while to mend a broken heart.
There is more to it than meets the eye, munhu aikwira makomo achitsvaga network ndiye angataure ngano idzodzo? Sorry, my friend, I don’t think this has anything to do with her illness.
You sound so desperate and helpless. My advice is both of you need professional counselling, if you take this route I think she will open up and let you know the truth.
If she does not change her mind please don’t force her because you will come up with a very unhappy marriage. I would also want to urge you to accept that at times love can be one-sided; the other partner may not reciprocate in the same manner. If push comes to shove the best thing to do would be to move on. I wish you all the best.
Know when to
get married
HELLO Mai Chisamba, I love your column and I am looking forward kuti mundibatsirewo, I really need your help. I am so stressed and confused.
I wish to run away from my situation, but it seems as if I am stuck. I am a married woman aged 21 and nemwana one, ndaane one year in this marriage and still staying with my in-laws.
My problem is my in-laws are controlling my marriage. I just wonder kuti ndakaroorwa nemurume wangu or ndakaroorwa namai vake. What I am trying to say is whatever we plan with my husband and towirirana about it, anoyenda obvunza mai vake, kana vazviramba atochinja mind yake otevedzera zvavataura.
Mai Chisamba, these people talk a lot and I am getting fed up, kuita as if ndichasiya murume only because of his relatives. Kuti tisuduruke haadi.
Tiri kutotadza kutenga kana mubhedha chaiwo only because mari iri kushandwa nemurume inenge ichitenga zvinodiwa zvese pamba but mhamha vanoshanda and I wonder kuti pay yavo vanoishandiseyi kana pasina zvavano contributer. Yes, I know kuti it’s our duty to do so but how are we going to buy our own things, saka tokura seyi kana zvakadaro? Kana ndikada kufamba amwene vangu vanonditi ndisiye mwana. Ndikabuda naye vosvika mwana asipo vanotaura zvavanotaura behind my back ndozozvinzwa, oh please, does this child belong to my in-laws or ndewangu? Pamba pakabikwa nema vegetables hanzi takaguta, vorara nenzara, saka ndoita zvekudii?
Kana mari yacho isipo ndozvicheka here kuti vanhu vadye nenyama, misi haifanane and hatiwane mari everyday, apa atezvara vanenge vachi demander mari yedoro nefodya kwatiri.
Hunhu hwekupi hwekuti atezvara vanonetsera mari yedoro kumuroora and vanotaura zvavanoda kana vakadhakwa and vachideedzera kuti pano pamba pangu and no one controls me, even mu bedroom mangu vachipinda.
Now I am sick and tired kuudza murume wangu zvinoswera zvichiitika because he doesn’t even take action, ndotoita as if ndiri ku prison ini ndiri mu marriage.
My heart is bleeding, where can I find happiness? What should I do to convince my husband that we move out? Ndaneta with this kind of life. Ndazvitadzawo ini ndaita muduku, anhuwe, or maybe ndini ndine problem. Ndibatsirewo, pandiri kushaisha mondirayidzawo.
Response
Thank you for writing in. The bitterness between varoora and their amwenes is like a vicious circle. I have dealt with these issues so many times but every now and then this keeps coming back.
Before I even look into your letter let me say to our young women and men out there, please don’t rush to get married uchiti tinozogara nevabereki, it’s wrong and it’s against our culture and the Bible, if you are Christian. Muroora haagarwe naye, anobikiswa, a term which means the in-laws should set her free.
The Christian religion clearly says unosiya vabereki wononamirana nemurume/mukadzi wako. This arrangement does not work in most cases because the couple is accommodated and then treated like minors. It’s good to seek advice from parents but always remember they are not an extension of your marriage.
My question is why do you stay with your in-laws? You have been married for just a year and you are already fed up. Vatezvera should not demand money to buy cigarettes and beer, instead he should ask politely.
From the look of things even your father-in-law’s demands lack priority, vanochemera kudya nenyama ivo vachipfacha mari kudoro. You say baba vanoti it’s my house, indeed it is his house, imi ndimi muri offside, maybe this is the reason why he comes into your bedroom willy-nilly, although, it’s against our culture.
The other thing is what your mother-in-law does with her salary, it’s none of your business, it is up to her and her spouse.
You are so young, just 21 and already considering how to opt out of this unhappy marriage, oh God forbid. The best for you and your spouse is to seek professional counselling. Leave your in-laws’ home and find your space, iwe waneta navo ivo vanetawo newe. Paradzanai zvakanaka because you need each other, you may not realise it now but with time you will agree with me.
Please for goodness’ sake don’t drag your child into this mess; although he is young, he has feelings, he is human.
Last but not least, at 21 what do you do for a living? Chinochengetwa ihuku chete yakagara, please try and do something profitable to assist your husband’s income. Learning does not end; you can do private studies to better your chances of being gainfully employed. Please find your own space. I wish you all the best.
***
My parents are
too backward
Mai Chisamba, thank you so much for your column. I am an 18-year-old man doing Upper Six here in Harare. I wrote this letter after a very painful decision. I come from a very unhappy family. Our parents hardly joke with us or go out with us like my friends’ families.
My father is always complaining about us as a big and useless family, he complains about almost everything. At times we feel as if we are a burden to him but we did not choose to be born. I am the eldest in a family of seven.
My mother is like a stranger in her own home, she can’t do anything without consulting my father. Baba vanongobhon’a.
I envy my friends’ family and at times I feel God placed me in a very backward family. I even feel sorry for my mum at times because vanototyawo baba sezvatinoita. When I feel like enjoying myself I go to my friend’s house, kune mufaro, Mai Chisamba, they play family games, they talk, they laugh, they even hang out as a family.
What can I do to at least bring love in my home? We even have meals pake pake and yet we have a beautiful dining room suite. My siblings vanongotukwa kuti madofo but when our parents are invited to go to school for consultation they hardly go. Please say something that can change this sad set-up.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. After reading your letter I felt sad. I think your father’s problem is he thinks aloud. It’s not fair to tell his children that they are a burden because most of them are minors and they look up to their parents for everything.
Point of correction, God does not place people in wrong families; I believe you are in there to make a difference. See you have written on your siblings’ behalf seeking advice.
It’s not just your family, maybe there are other families out there going through the same.
My advice is to remind people again that children are precious gifts from God and they should be loved and cared for. In your case I don’t know why your mum is scared of dad. Munhu anoremekedzwa, haatyiwe se shumba.
She should feel free and happy in her home, she should talk to baba, suggest things that will make the family happy. Meal times are family times, make sure you sit and chat while enjoying each other’s company and food.
You can make the difference copy the good from your friend’s family and bring it to yours. Hanging out is the easiest, you can start by having tea or drinks together in your garden at home.
Talk to your dad about his work experience, childhood, etc. When mum is doing household chores assist her if you have time.
At times over-consulting makes one lose confidence, mama ngavamboedza kuita zvimwe zvakanaka vasingangomirira kubvunza kuna baba, surprises are good. Let’s start from family level and see how it works then after this we may go professional, if need be. Tell your parents you love and appreciate them, I know they will also say that in return. I understand you, kungodiwa kunongofadza.
Lastly let me say you are not a burden and you should never feel that way, you are a blessing.
Work hard in school and you will reap the benefits.
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