I feel like a failure

I am a 19 year old girl who recently finished A level. My problem is that I did not perform particularly well. I only got 4 points from 2 subjects, one of the reasons I would attribute to this disaster is that I chose the wrong combination of subjects.

I am finding it hard for me to accept these results and I have so much regret. I feel like my future is ruined. Some people are saying if you have only 2 subjects at A level it’s still a decent pass. I had been fighting with my siblings and disrespecting people aroundso much so that my parents instructed me not to go to school anymore. In one incident I got into an argument with my siblings and my mom said to me ‘zidofo ndosaka uchinetsana nevakazvipasira’! She even told our relatives that I fight with everyone and that I am crazy. To make matters worse she claims I am possessed by demons. Even if I try to be strong nothing changes and no one supports me anymore.

Response

Thank you so much for writing in.  My heart went out to you after reading your letter. First and foremost let me say congratulations for acquiring 4 points at A level. I know you could have done better but at least you applied a bit of effort and scored a few points. Learning does not end you have what it takes to write again. Try and get a better combination this time. Please accept the results you got because they won’t change and I don’t understand your regret. You are only 19 working hard and having a good attitude towards life can do wonders for you. Your future is not even remotely ruined. Please apologise to these members of your family you have fought with over time, you need each other in fortunate and unfortunate times. It’s very noble to be the bigger person. To parents out there please don’t use language that destroys your children. I beg to differ with your mum in my view you are not a zidofo at all. Work hard and prove that you are not. Your family should stand by your side. I don’t think you are crazy or possessed by demons as your mother claims. Say no to that, don’t let that get into your head. If you can’t go straight to mum because of your strained relationship please go through a respected relative like tete or ambuya.  You did not talk about baba’s sentiments in all this what is he saying? It may help us solve the problem. After this you may need to see a specialist just to help you manage your anger. Pray for your family and yourself. I will be happy to hear from you again. Embrace your parents and your siblings and accept that we are all different. Some are more intellectually gifted than others but we all have our purposes in life. Kunyange kukasviba sei kunoyedza chete. Be of good cheer it shall be well.

Am I wrong to divorce my wife?

How are you mai Chisamba? I’d like to thank you for your column I really enjoy it. I’m a 25 year old young man. In 2014 I fell in love with a then 17 year old girl and within three weeks of going out she fell pregnant. The weird or strange part is her mother orchestrated all this. I myself overheard her saying “usarege achienda” meaning the girl was supposed to do all she could to keep me. The same year I told my people about it and they accepted it and even helped me to pay lobola. When she came home honestly I didn’t feel like a married man neither did I enjoy the marriage from day one. We used to quarrel a lot but we never had physical fights. 11 months down the line she packed her things because there was no love between us and I agreed to set her free. After a year and a half she came back but we still didn’t click. I then left her at my parents’ house to look for greener pastures. This however turned into me leaving her for good. She returned to her people upon realising that I was never going to come back for her. I feel guilty sometimes of how I treated her but at the same time I feel like her mother cheated me by pushing her into sleeping with me for reasons best known to her. At times I think that child is not even mine because of the way her mother fast tracked everything and because she lied to me that she was a virgin and up to now she still insists she was yet I’m more than 100% sure that she wasn’t. Help me amai, I’m confused.

Response 

Thank you so much for writing in. To say the least I was really shocked when you said after a few weeks of dating the girl she fell pregnant. It defeats all logic that within weeks of meeting each other you were already having unprotected sex, for goodness sake why? You were almost still strangers. The truth of the matter is you should have been brought to book having sex with a minor, it is against the law. This is considered as statutory rape. Please learn to own up and don’t blame other people for your lack of self control and reckless behaviour. Even if the girl’s mother was pushing her daughter to get with you for whatever selfish reason the truth is you complied.  You should have stood your ground and said no to her sexual advances. It takes two to tango, this makes you part of this very messy situation. You were the mature partner you should have dictated the tempo of the relationship. The sad part of this whole scenario is that you brought an unplanned and innocent child into the world whose livelihood and wellbeing depends on the two of you working together. You heard the mother say ‘usarega achienda’ how then were you caught in this as if you didn’t know? Your problem is that you rushed everything. Marriage as I always say is about love and respect from the look of things there was none of these two ingredients in your relationship that’s why you are where you are. If you doubt the paternity of the child please don’t eat your heart out. Go to court and request that the child be taken for DNA tests. If he is your child the law demands that you be in the child’s life by paying child support. If he is not then the mother has to identify the father positively. My advice is please don’t continue to waste each other’s time. I can clearly see that there is no love between the two of you. Move on and start on a clean slate and also try not to have sex outside marriage. Learn to refrain yourself from risky scenarios. The girl’s virginity is not an issue here because it does not reverse anything. For interest’s sake were you a virgin when you met this girl? This is an ugly patch, close this chapter and map a way forward. You are still young and full of potential. I wish you all the best.

Cheating on hubby and I have no regrets

Hi Mai Chisamba, I am a big fan of yours I hope I find you well. I am 29 and my husband is 30, we were blessed with a bouncing baby boy. I want to tell you the truth so that I get help. Our marriage is about one year old and I already want to opt out. My husband loves me so much and he would die for me. He is an excellent father we are both gainfully employed. My problem is I have no feelings for him at all. I married him because of the pressure my family put on me especially from my mother. The man I loved is still at large he had said we should not rush to get married instead let’s build our empire and then have a fairytale wedding and happy life. I had believed this but not my people. Some were even calling me stupid. I married the man I am with after just three months. Sometime back I read a letter of someone who married due to family pressure too. This prompted me to write you because I think my parents and family are being unfair and these are some of the silent things that should be unearthed. Here I am stuck in an unhappy marriage all because I was pushed into it. I know you won’t be happy with me but I am cheating on this innocent guy with my ex flame. I love him and I know it’s wrong but that’s what it is. I am not bragging about what I am doing I need help. I love my son but ndatadza kuda murume akandiroora. I am glad I have shared this with you because I just couldn’t tell anyone not even a friend or a sister. I like your approach of telling it as it is.

Response

What a letter! What confession and what a world. Thank you so much for writing in and thanks for exposing some of the evils that are happening right under our nose. You have done your part. It’s true I have received a number of letters on this topic. It’s very very sad. As I always say I only respond to the writer. Now that people being pressured into marriages are on the increase we have to talk about this evil. To parents and families out there I think it’s high time we respected God’s time. This is a very selfish thing to do because in most cases these people will be thinking about themselves and not about the couple. The issues range from tinozonyara kuchurch, munharaunda nemumhuri what nonsense. I will always repeat that love is the main ingredient of any marriage without it no union can ever survive.  Please don’t do this for any other reason except for the above. It’s actually abusing your children because they end up in divorce or worse. Now back to you what you are doing is immoral and it’s against the vows you took when you married your husband. It’s cruel to play with someone’s time and emotions. In your case your husband thinks you are the love of his life and yet it’s the opposite. You even say he would die for you, one can only do this when they have given their all. How sad? You knew how you felt about this guy but you went ahead and had a child when you could have simply avoided this. It’s selfish not to think of your child because decisions you take as a parent affect him too. People have been either killed or maimed because of cheating on their spouses. It’s as good as sitting on a ticking time bomb. Healthwise it’s very risky you increase your risk of contracting STIs. Our elders have an adage that says huswa hwemhofu ndihwo huri mudumbu huri pamuromo inofa nahwo please be warned. Stop cheating on your hubby forthwith and see a professional marriage counsellor and discuss this. Why did you bow to pressure when you knew you had plans with the other guy? I would want to talk you again after you have seen a counsellor. Now you are suffering on your own the people who pushed you into this are happy in their relationships. Pray sincerely about this God will give you the best answer. I wish you well.

 

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