The Sunday Mail
Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo Social Psychology student
I met an old man recently while hovering near the men’s clothing section of Barbours. Small talk led me to tell the old timer that I was looking for a gift for my dad for Father’s Day. The old man sighed a bit and remarked “I just wonder why there isn’t much hullabaloo on Father’s Day as on Mother’s Day. It’s like the world has decided that we fathers are not important”.
The poignancy on his face spoke of a man who had given all for his kids and family but with little recognition. I tried to open my mouth to say something, as I am wont to, but words failed me for the man had spoken the truth. It would seem that the world has no appreciation for fathers. It is fixated on the stereotypical father who leaves his family behind and goes chasing after harlots.
Typically we are keen on crying for those that leave such that we fail to celebrate those who remain with us. As a dictum let me throw this out there, “Appreciated men do much!”
When we say it’s Father’s Day like it was last week, it’s not a day for single mothers neither is it a day to lash out at the men who left.
Father’s Day is to recogniSe those special men who stayed with their families. Indeed conceptually there is a difference between the males we call fathers. This is not a universal term that can be won by everyone that has offspring. A father is more than a sperm donor. Any male above 13 can do so.
As a matter of principle, the writer therefore can’t call any male who has a kid a father. Fatherhood is premised on four principles:
1.Provision —The man should provide for his family. The words of St Paul sum up fatherhood nicely “Any man who doesn’t provide for his family is worse than an infidel and has denied the faith” 1 Timothy 5 v 18. Life is indeed more than your possessions. Hence, the good father doesn’t just provide materials, he provides wisdom and guidance and love. The greatest misconception many men have is this; they think their money will live vicariously for them with their families. Hence, they concentrate on making a living not at making a life for their families. There are absent fathers, and then there are unavailable fathers. Unavailable fathers stay in the same home with their kids but they just don’t have time for their families. They are more concerned with climbing corporate ladders than spending time with their kids.
2. Partriachy — The man has to lead. A word to my brothers herein, she may seem all feminist or what but every woman needs a man who takes leadership. It is at this juncture that I say this, the leadership called for herein is servanthood-leadership. You lead while serving. Being the leader in your home does not mean you being the dictator, the man whom when you walk into a home all the mirth and joy is sucked out. Be a leader, lay down rules, judge among your kids impartially. There is nothing as infuriating to women than dating a man who doesn’t take the lead.
3. Protection — As from days of old, families still need protection. Indeed nowadays the chances of a lion breaking into a home and the man being called to tear it apart are extremely minute. However fathers still have the onus to protect their kids from so many contemporary evils. Consider Solomon in the Bible, he wrote the whole book of Proverbs as warnings to his sons to protect them from the evils of the day like harlotry, laziness, alcohol abuse etc. The more we impart wisdom to our kids, the more we protect them!
4. Priesthood — It is a sign of failure that today kids have Prophet so and so but not their biological father as their spiritual father. Isaac got his religion from his father Abraham. He in turn passed it to Jacob and Jacob passed it on to his 12 sons. You have to pass the faith to your kids. Father’s Day therefore is a celebration of our priests, patriarchs, providers and protectors.
The writer is fully aware that divorce has rent asunder the moral fabric of society. Many women are raising kids alone as single mothers. Due to women’s rights movement, many women are now gainfully employed hence they feel they can raise kids alone without the father if ever the man walks out. I am not calling on women to cry after men, all I am saying is that man who left may be a fool to you but not to his kids! Kids need their father!
It is your duty as the single mum to try and foster a relationship between your kids and that man who left. My mum and dad split in an acrimonious manner but up to now nearly two decades later, I have never heard a single bad word about my dad pass out of her mouth. She has always reminded me of the man in my dad and I am to respect him! That is what a wise single woman does!
The man is your enemy yes but your kids need him. Your child’s primary relationship with his/her father can affect all of your child’s relationships from birth to death, including those with friends, lovers, and spouses. Those early patterns of interaction with father are the very patterns that will be projected forward into all relationships… not only your child’s intrinsic idea of who he/she is as he/she relates to others, but also, the range of what your child considers acceptable and loving.
Girls will look for men who hold the patterns of good old dad, for after all, they know how “to do that.” Therefore, if father was kind, loving, and gentle, they will reach for those characteristics in men. Girls will look for, in others, what they have experienced and become familiar with in childhood. Because they’ve gotten used to those familial and historic behavioural patterns, they think that they can handle them in relationships.
Boys on the other hand, will model themselves after their fathers. They will look for their father’s approval in everything they do, and copy those behaviours that they recognise as both successful and familiar. Thus, if dad was abusive, controlling, and dominating, those will be the patterns that their sons will imitate and emulate.
However, if father is loving, kind, supportive, and protective, boys will want to be that. Human beings are social animals and we learn by modelling behaviour. In fact, all primates learn how to survive and function successfully in the world through social imitation.
Those early patterns of interaction are all children know, and it is those patterns that effect how they feel about themselves, and how they develop. Your child is vulnerable to those early patterns and incorporates those behavioural qualities in his/her repertoire of social exchange.
If you’re a single mom, not by choice, these revelations may seem discouraging. But rather than being so, let them be an encouragement to make sure your children are influenced by male mentors — be they uncles, brothers, coaches, Boy Scout leaders, and the like.
A word to fathers in conclusion: I know that sometimes parenting can be discouraging. You might think that you really don’t have much of an influence on your kids. I hope this article has shown you otherwise. Your role as a dad is immensely important.
So focus on being the best dad you can be. It’s not enough to just be there. Read to your kids. Get involved at their school. Encourage them to take risks. Stay fit.
These small things have a huge return on investment for the well-being of your children. If you fathered a kid, but haven’t had much of a role in his or her life for whatever reason, I challenge you to step up and embrace your role as a dad to the greatest extent you can.
Yeah, it’s going to be hard, and yeah, it’s not always going to be fun, but it’s your responsibility. And being a man means doing your duty. And if you’re a mom going through a divorce, know that while it’s natural to want your kids as much as possible, if your husband is a good guy (through an objective lens, not through the lens of the acrimony created by your split), it’s ultimately in your children’s best interest to share custody equally.
Dads everywhere have the opportunity to leave a big impact on the world. Don’t underestimate your influence on the lives of your children. HAPPY BELATED FATHER’S DAY.
Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo is a Social Psychology student with a keen interest on human behaviour and relationships. Contact Details Facebook — Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo Twitter — @mitchelgumbo E-mail —[email protected]
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