The Sunday Mail
Apostle Langton Kanyati Matrimonial Hub
I have determined that we need to start asking one another some tough questions for example a man asking another man: “Are you being the leader of your family and taking care of your wife’s needs? Spiritually? Emotionally? Sexually? And wife to wife: “Are you sending your husband into the world hungry with his sexual needs unmet? Are you a ‘marriage bed magnet’ that causes him to daydream at work about you?”
I have concluded that it’s time we stop assuming we are all beyond temptation and start exhorting husbands and wives to pay more attention to taking care of one another’s physical needs. For some, any open admission about the sexual dimension of life is strictly taboo.
We should not be ashamed to discuss that which God was not ashamed to create. That is the only way we can deal with and attack the causes of unfaithfulness in marriages. The exhortations below may help you deal with unfaithfulness in your marriage:
Exhaustion is the great destroyer of passion. Sometimes our lives are hectic and our schedules are packed that when we get home we are so tired that anything else does not matter. The result is we have little time and energy to share, give or receive.
Practically, some couples could go their own independent way indefinitely, denying their need of one another. But God gave us sex as a drive to merge, to force us out of our isolation. Some of you don’t need a reminder on your smartphone but just to say no to some good things and go to bed early.
Have fun with your spouse. Some of us are so serious about “the objective” that we have lost the fun of the relationship. Grins, giggles and laughter ought to drift out of our bedrooms occasionally. The Lord God, who created both man and woman never intended that our marriage bed become boring! But some are.
Consider just one problem – the clothes many of us wear to bed. Do we really need such clothes in bed? And you call that intimacy? Men really are not excluded here .You dress as if you are going somewhere yet you are going to sleep .
Also remember to always add the element of surprise to your marriage bed. Why not take one of your lunch hours at work to add some sizzle and creativity to your marriage bed? Caution: If the sexual area of your marriage has been a struggle, then it might be good to ask permission before cooking up something you think is wonderful, but might turn to be offensive to your spouse.
Adultery can be emotional so protect your intimacy by avoiding emotional adultery. Emotional adultery is friendship with the opposite sex that has progressed too far. When you begin to tell a friend of the opposite sex about your intimate struggles, doubts, or feelings you are sharing your soul in a way that God intended exclusively for the marriage relationship. This often leads to physical involvement.
To avoid it, set strict limits about the time you spend with those of the opposite sex. And reserve some subjects for your spouse. Remember, the Christian life is the process of becoming like Christ. This area of married love and commitment demands that we are continually growing and learning about one another.
Money is one of the biggest stressors in a marriage. Couples worry and argue about it constantly. If you find you and your spouse are starting to badger each other over the bottom line, it’s time to have a serious money talk. Make a financial plan together. We are all guilty of something economists call “passive decision-making,” which just means defaulting to the easy option.
Couples need to make an active plan about how they will manage their money: Combine it? Separate it? Create a joint account and keep some separate? Whatever the decision, both people have to be part of the decision to do it and then figure out what needs to be done to keep the system humming.
Unless you burn your grudges your marriage cannot work. It’s time to set some bad memories on fire. Sometimes hanging on to those “do you remember the time you did such and such?” moments are the things that lead to relationship sabotage. Instead of carrying grudges around forever, torch them. “Write them all down on a piece of paper. Then set a timer for a certain amount of time. The point is: Give yourself as long as you need to really wallow in the misery of these grudges. Savour them. Get angry about them. Mutter about them. Do whatever you need to do to get sick and tired of them.
Once you are done, say, “I will not think about these anymore. These grudges have lost their usefulness”. Then take a match and burn them. Don’t be overly confident. Overconfidence can lead to complacency, which is not good for any relationship. In a survey published in August 1993 in the journal Law and Human Behavior. Couples who had applied for a marriage license were asked to estimate the average rate of divorce. Almost uniformly, they accurately predicted about 50 percent.
Then they were asked to estimate the chances that they would get divorced. They answered zero percent. The problem with this statistic is that, if there is no perceived risk of failure, no “work” is put into maintaining the relationship until it’s suddenly faltering. Don’t let yourself gloss over the little things. Don’t forget to make an effort to keep your romance alive. Don’t find yourself in a situation where you realise that you could have done more . . . when it’s already too late.
Remind yourself you have a choice to stay married. Many people stay in troubled marriages because they believe they have no other choice. They think that they are stuck, and blame this sensation of being stuck on their spouse. But if you are stuck, it’s your fault and not your spouse’s. That fact is, “you are not stuck; you have choices. Do nothing and remain miserable; face your fears and try to save your marriage. Make a choice.
And wake up every morning and make that choice again. The surest path to happiness is knowing that you are not a helpless someone in distress, but rather an individual who can make their own decisions. You have the choice to live happily ever after.
- Apostle Kanyati is the co-founder of Zoe Life and Grace Unlimited Ministries. Email feedback at [email protected]. Whats App : 0772 987 844
