Chamisa can’t create weather, can’t create a season

EASTER greetings to you dear congregants. Let’s start this sermon with Easter teachings. Luke 24 vs 2-3 says: “And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they went in they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.”

They found the tomb of Jesus empty because He had been resurrected. Revelations 20 vs 11-15 tells us that since they found the tomb empty, our graves will also be emptied at the return of Christ when all will be raised, both those who trusted in Him and those who did not, but they will be going to two different locations.

Let us pray: “Lord God, You loved this world so much, that you gave your one and only Son, that we might be called your children too. Lord, help us to live in the gladness and grace of Easter Sunday, everyday. Let us have hearts of thankfulness for your sacrifice. Let us have eyes that look upon Your grace and rejoice in our salvation. Help us to walk in that mighty grace and tell your good news to the world. All for your glory do we pray, Lord, Amen.” This is my favourite Easter Sunday Prayer.

As we have been told, our graves will also be emptied at the return of Christ and on this lovely Easter Sunday, the resurrection day, I leave you with a question: “Nhai vanhu vamwari, muchazovepi kana tsuri yorira?”

Today’s sermon is on a boring ZANU-PF. Very boring actually. Kamwana katambura crying for attention, running all over the place, kicking and even farting. ZANU-PF ziii zvayo. Kuti mwiii! It’s as if they can’t see that Nelson Chamisa is dying for some attention and some action.

Don’t they say “mbudzi kuzvarira pavanhu kuti itandirwe imbwa?” Please Zanu-PF wonaiwo Chamisa. Mr President, hamuwoni here mwana anzwa nekupfikura? Arikuda kubviswa madzihwa.

Reminds me of my good old school days. There was this guy called Huntsen, a very funny character. He enjoyed making a fool of himself. Huntsen enjoyed athletics but he was an average athlete with his specialty being the 100m race. He had lots of enthusiasm but whenever he got to the starting line, Huntsen always became very nervous. On several occasions when teacher Chaitezvi shouted “on your marks,” he would suddenly sprint from the starting line before the teacher blew the whistle for the race to start. He would sprint for about ten metres, look back and discover that everyone else was still at the starting line. He would giggle irritatingly while rushing back to the starting line again.

Chamisa seems to be suffering from this Huntsen syndrome. He has bolted from the starting line several times, looked back and discovered that ZANU-PF in general, and President Mnangagwa in particular, were not yet even at the starting line for the election race. While Huntsen would giggle irritatingly walking back to the starting line, Chamisa is getting really impatient with President Mnangagwa as he walks back to the starting line.

When he bolted from the starting line for the first time, Chamisa thought of getting some attention by calling President Mnangagwa for some debate on national television. He went on to embarrass himself talking about bullet trains blah, blah. Ngwena ziii zvayo.

Then young Chamisa bolted again from the starting line, looked back and still ED was not even at the starting line. Chamisa got angry. Why was Zanu-PF this boring? Kana vasingadi maelections acho ngavataure. Chamisa thought of throwing some threats saying he would name some of the companies owned by President Mnangagwa. Still Ngwena zii? Ko nhai imi vanhu, when exactly are the elections? Are they in July zveshuwa shuwa? Ko why Ngwena kuti zii? Chamisa is furious and getting really mixed up.

Welcome to ED’s Journal of Politics. You continue using the Mugabe template and you will be very disappointed. Chamisa is stuck in the politics of the past. He thought it was going to be pound for pound. Chamisa in Bulawayo, Ngwena in Mutare! Ngwena in Gokwe, Chamisa in Buhera! And so on and so on. Well, that’s not the script according to Ngwena.

President Mnangagwa is showing the country that he has bigger and more important issues to attend to. More pressing issues than kuvukura kwekambwanana. The President is pitching his politics way, way above Chamisa. As Chamisa tries show-boating through the tired gospel of electoral reforms, the President is attending to serious national issues — re-engagement, investment drive and bread and butter issues.

Little Chamisa shouldn’t have rushed. That little boy can’t create the weather. He should have waited.

Proverbs 19 vs 2 says: “Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.” Granted, Chamisa has lots of desire, but he lacks knowledge. He has made lots of haste with his feet and has missed his way. Even as he claims to be a pastor, Chamisa forgot Ecclesiastes 3 vs 1 which says: “Everything on earth has its own time and its own season.”

Little Chamisa got lost in the excitement and violence of grabbing power from the graveyard. As he tore Tsvangirai’s coffin to pieces, stealing the MDC-T presidency from Thokozani Khupe, Chamisa forgot that this was not yet the election season. He is way too green to set an election season. But then with those hoodlums surrounding him, Chamisa was always going to get lost.

Newspaper publisher, Trevor Ncube thought of being brutally honest with his brother Chamisa in a recent tweet. “I love @nelsonchamisa as a Christian brother. And the best he expects from me is truth not physcophancy. So far he has not impressed me as a mature politician,” tweeted Ncube. Many right-thinking Zimbabweans agreed with Ncube.

Of course, there are some who don’t agree with Ncube but the report from the Institute for Security Studies must have jolted them to think twice. In a paper titled, “MDC-T does succession the ZANU-PF way”, the institute gave an assessment of Chamisa saying his power-grab was both unconstitutional and damaging to the cause of democracy in Zimbabwe.

This is not good for young Chamisa. His claim to fame is that he is democracy personified, but then this? Like I said, Chamisa should have waited a bit. He has exposed himself way too early. The election race has not yet even started but people are already saying “dhololo” to Chamisa. Ko kuzoti kana Ngwena yati kwede murace?

One of Chamisa’s greatest undoing is going to be his leadership style which can best be described as transactional. Chamisa has surrounded himself with people who expect something from him for them to perform.

To them there must be some transaction, an exchange of something for something.

In this case, Chamisa has to give the hoodlums lots of beer, food and money while the well-to-do supporters are in it for posts and the pockets. Well, the generality of the populace is fed up with transactional politics.

Instead, Zimbabweans are looking for transformational leadership. Leadership that seeks to transform their lives and leadership that cares about the supporters. There is nothing transformative about Chamisa. Kushandisana basi and this won’t take Chamisa anywhere.

But then some have been charmed by Chamisa’s oratory. Unfortunately, running a country is not like some debate session where one can fool people through eloquence. Some have been charmed by his sense of dressing, but then this is not some fashion show. Others have been charmed by his good looks, but then this is not some beauty contest.

Reports reaching Bishop Lazarus are that Tendai Biti and Professor Welshman Ncube are “working on Chamisa” so that he gets out of their way. They have made their calculations and discovered that they can’t beat Chamisa but Chamisa can beat himself. This project is in full swing.

If you think the allegations that Chamisa is a dictator and that he got into power unconstitutionally are only coming from the Institute of Security Studies, then you need to read more on politics.

Biti and Prof Ncube are seasoned lawyers. They know an illegality when they see it. They know Chamisa ignored the constitution but they also know that the hoodlums support him. So for now, vari kukuchidzira moto mbichana mbichana from down under.

Talking about lawyers and as I finish this sermon, Bishop Lazarus has a few questions. Nhai imi maroya, imi vana mazvikokota vemutemo doesn’t Section 58 of the Constitution guarantee freedom of assembly and association? If that section guarantees freedom of assembly and association, what then is this unconstitutional demand from the opposition that chiefs should not be political?

By making this demand, what are we saying about their right of association? Are we saying chiefs have no rights of association? Why are we “othering” and “unpeople-ling” the chiefs? Asi machiefs sandi vanhuwo here?

Don’t get me wrong dear congregants — I know chiefs should not be office bearers in the different political parties but surely we can’t demand that chiefs should not be political. We are stripping them of their humanity. Ndokumbirawo magweta mundiwudze kuti zviri kumbofamba sei?

Bishop is out!

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  • Zvobgo

    Bishop Jojo…
    How many names have you given yourself in attempt to be a neutral who supports Zanupf?
    Of all the 107 parties in Zimbabwe it amazes any fair minded person why you “nanga nanga” nomunhu mumwe
    Joji, Natty, wife kicker…. or whatever ‘matigari’ you maybe, shiri ino muriro wayo hairashi

  • Zvobgo

    It’s April fools day Joji
    You cant fool everyone thoo

  • Bill matiki

    I have never read so much nonsense congested in one piece

    • Zvobgo

      Joji Manheru is haunted by the wife he kicked away and the next wife he kicked to death

  • Ebenezer Moyo

    What a crappy article….