Can’t smoke, drink in my own house

I am a big fan of this column, now that I have a problem I want you to assist me if you can.

I realise that reading other people’s problems is easier than writing your own. My wife is an only daughter in a family of three.

Two months ago, she lost her father and after the funeral most relatives suggested to my wife that it would be better if she took amai for some time kunovanyaradza.

My wife’s brother asked if I was okay with this arrangement and I agreed because it was only temporary.

I understand what my mother-in-law went through when baba was sick. She is very close to her daughter and loves her church. I am not going to mention the name of the church but ndidzo dzimwe dziye dzinoita holier than thou, no smoking and no drinking . . . I love my drink and I am a chain smoker and I cannot hide this any longer.

She complains when she sees my beer. The other day I almost confronted her when I got home dying for a nice cold refreshing beer only to be told that gogo vati bvisai doro mufridge.

My wife also told me to slow down on smoking because it is affecting amai now she is feeling sick. My question is whose home is this? If I am making her sick why can she not go back to her home? What right has she to instruct the maid to remove my beer from my fridge?

No one has told me where the beers are. It is now a month since amai came but ah no I cannot take it anymore. Munhu anonyaradzwa for how long? If she can complain about my drinking and smoking I think vave right. Now instead of going straight home I pass through a drinking place just to down one or two drinks but they are complaining that I am coming late.

What do I do? They are pushing me against the wall. I suggested that my wife take some time off vonopedzesera process iyi kumusha but she does not want. Should I talk to her brothers? They go to the same church but vana tsano vanonwa kabisira, at times they come over to my house to drink. It is not easy to pretend for this long. When she used to come for shorter periods we managed to hide. My wife and her mother are getting onto my nerves, please help.

Response

Thank you big fan, wow what a letter, surely mudzimba mune mabasa. I can feel your anger from your communication. The good book says judge ye not and I am going to comply. Commercials say smoking and drinking may be hazardous to health and I echo that too.

In as much as this lifestyle may be unhealthy, I think your mother-in-law crossed the line. We are people with a culture and that culture demands that we respect one another.

Yes, she has her misgivings about beer and cigarettes but to instruct the maid to remove beers from your fridge without your wife’s or your permission is out of line. She is at her son-in-law’s home, mumusha memukwasha havangosviko rongonora.

Maybe the reason for her acting out is because so much goes on behind her back with all this pretending. Her sons who drink privately go to the same church with her so who is fooling who? Why do people enslave themselves? Why do they not choose churches that suit their lifestyles?

Two wrongs will never make a right, do not erase the good that you have started of consoling your mother-in-law. Relax and take it easy, passing through a drinking place is like a demonstration. Do not make it hard for your wife and do not let down your brothers-in-law.

Vakabvunza ukati unozvikwanisa these may be some of the things they meant. Why do you want to send your wife home as if she has done something wrong? People are individuals, she is not her mother.

Please try and bear with amai, she has just lost a loved one, she may not be thinking straight yet. I know she is pushing you against the wall but take cognisance of what she is going through.

I am not encouraging you to drink but if you are so desperate for booze why not just buy a few and put it in an ice bag and drink at home away from her.

Coming home late will end up affecting your relationship with your wife who is still mourning too.

There is no proper duration for consoling someone, it varies with individuals.

Some accept death when it comes, some remain in denial for long. My advice is despite what is happening, please slow down on smoking and drinking, it is not good for your health and its addictive.

Gogo will go home very soon. I want to say thank you so much for allowing her to come and stay in your home during her difficult time.

Do not even complain kunaana tsano, this is just not the right time. Stick to the fight, ndiko kuzvarwa. I wish you all the best.

***

Side chick for eight years

Hello Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. I am a single mother of two working in a saloon.

The father of my kids hoodwinked me into believing that he was having problems with his wife and was going to divorce her. I have been going out with this guy for the past eight years but he has not sent his wife away. During this period, he actually sired another child with his wife and this confused me so much. My kids (a boy and a girl) stay with my grandmother at our rural home. Each time I go home I get depressed because gogo does not look after my kids well. They are over worked and dirty despite their ages. My mother refused to take my children because she is not happy about my relationship with this guy, she says havadi mahumbwe. The dad of my kids says his marriage is Chapter 5.11 and is not an easy one to jump out of.

I am beginning to doubt his love because when I asked why they had another baby with his wife he said it was a mistake and he regretted it. They now have a total of 3 kids, two boys and most recently a daughter named Zvataida. I am tired of being treated like a secret wife. He has a good life with his family, they both drive top of the range cars and live in the leafy suburbs. I stay in a rented room in the ghetto and am 29 now. He does not look after my children and he does not want to be seen in public with me. He comes to my place when his wife is out of town and every time he switches off his phone.

Anongouya for a few hours, time dzaanoda kundiona malunch hour or so. When am I going to have quality time with him? I only communicate with one of his sisters vanenge tsotsiwo futi because she comes to have her hair done for free.

Why is it taking him so long to send his wife packing? Should I go and confront his wife or members of his family? I love him so much and he says he loves me too but at times I feel anogona kusarevesa. Anochengera, I have no way out and some of my friends are saying it is a sign of love, could that be true?

Response

Thank you for writing in, my first reaction is to say please wake up and smell the coffee. I have had similar people on this column who were in the same fix. When people are hoodwinked into believing very stupid things I am saddened. You knowingly fell for this married man when you were only 21. What a waste of time, spending the better part of your life as a small house. If you were reasonable you should have waited for his divorce to come through, what was the hurry?

For this guy to have a child with his wife it is very natural and expected, it is not a mistake at all. It is actually you who is not learning from your mistakes. Why did you go on to have a second child when you realised that he was still with his wife? Once bitten twice shy. Your mother is right, you should look after your children because you are duty bound to do so. Do not begrudge gogo, you should be grateful that she took your kids in. Yes, they are dirty and overworked because you have neglected them. You are burdening gogo who may be too old to run around and look after them properly. Why do you not get a maid to assist? This guy in my view does not love you at all, he is taking advantage of your innocence and may never divorce his wife. It’s eight years now and the story does not change, please do not force me to say ndezvekupusa zvauri kuita.

You are so young and full of potential, why are you hanging on to this relationship? There is nothing positive about him, he does not look after the kids, he does not spend quality time with you, he does not want to be seen in public with you, anongochengera and the list goes on – so what does this mean to you? You have no right to confront his wife, pamwe haatozivi nezvako. Mind you with 5.11 she may sue you for adultery, so watch your step. I advise that you go to a civil court and claim child support, the kids are innocent and it is their right to be properly looked after. Secondly, why do you not stay with your kids? I agree you should not be treated as a secret wife and the noble thing to do is to call it quits and start on a new slate. The tete who comes for hair dos is a fake. She is also taking advantage of you. Leave this guy alone, he is married and committed to his family, please move on.

 

Bosses scramble for secretary

THANK you for your column. I am so heavy hearted, I just do not know what to say.

I have been married for over 28 years and all our children are above 20 years. I was shocked when I discovered that my husband had an affair with his 26-year-old secretary. He is 55 and this woman is younger than our first daughter. I could not share this with my family or friends since it was too sensitive nor could I share it even with my own mother.

The best person I thought of confiding in was my mother-in-law since she had also confided in me about the similar treatment she got from my father-in-law. She said it was an extremely sad story since he had so many extra marital affairs. We were very close she was my number one mum.

Whenever I thought of doing good to someone she always came first. Hapana chakanaka chandaikwanisa chandisina kuvaitira. I confess in the process I at times neglected my own mother. In the same vein I thought she would be the perfect person to tell this problem to and she would use her influence as amai to stop this.

I got a rude awakening when she said point blank her son was not the first man to have an extra marital affair. After all his was not as bad because he did not have a child with his mistress.

The family became divided over this issue with others siding with the secretary. Vamwe vandanga ndisingambofungiri. My husband started giving signs that a potential divorce was looming. The Almighty intervened and my husband has been ditched for another boss at the same workplace.

He has since apologised but I no longer have the original love and trust I once had for him. Hama dzake dzakunyara and iniwo handichadzida, they betrayed me. The pain of what I went through is unbearable. What did I do wrong that made other relatives support my hubby? What is so special about this woman that bosses vari kuita zvekumubvutirana?

Please assist this has left me so confused, I cannot trust anyone, including my husband and his relatives. How do I carry on when my true self is telling me the opposite?

Response

Thank you for pouring out your heart. It is the worst experience in life to be let down by people you love and trust. Your spouse is supposed to be a pillar you can lean on right through life’s journey. I will continue to say love triangles are both dirty and very unhealthy, especially in the wake of diseases like HIV and Aids and other STIs.

This secretary and her bosses are of very loose morals. Hopping from one bed to another at the same company? Oh God forbid! If one of them has an STI for instance, it could potentially imply that certain company members and their families will be grossly affected. Your husband has no respect for his marriage and is taking advantage of a subordinate, shame on him.

The relatives from his side who were supporting the secretary are just a greedy lot, kuda kupiwa tunhu. For some of them it is just mob psychology, which can be very dangerous to family relationships.

Women are supposed to be the backbone of their families, it is only unfortunate that in some cases you have women like your mother-in-law that actually tear down the family. She is supposed to be a role model despite what she went through at the hands of her husband. Why is she treating an extra marital affair as a lesser crime nekuti hapana mwana? She cannot dignify what is wrong. Do not regret whatever good deeds you did for her, you will be blessed for that. I repeat whenever you do good, remember you do it for your God.

In your letter you said that the Almighty intervened and your hubby was ditched. Your mother-in-law is two faced, when it was her husband doing the same she was hurt, when her son did the same she justified it. We have an adage that says gudo guru peta muswe vadiki vagokuremekedza, she should apply that. I advise that both you and your hubby go for professional counselling, you desperately need it.

When families are divided, they even confuse the children. It is also in your best interest to go and be tested for STIs. I would be happy to hear from you after your sessions with a counsellor. The best prescription I can ever give is prayer, please take it. I wish you all the best.

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