The Sunday Mail
Both my parents are in their 50s. I am not the only child in our family but I am the one who took the initiative to go and take amai from kumusha.
She has not been well for some time. After a few months I had to go and take my dad because my mother missed him so much, instead of concentrating on her medication she would worry about dad’s welfare.
I don’t want to beat about the bush hama dziri kundiremedza. I do not earn much but I am comfortable, my wife is a professional and she works for an NGO so hazvina kunyanyoshata.
I do not mind people coming to see amai but the problem is the people who come expect a drink or a meal. This is proving heavy on my pocket. I run around to make sure murwere ane twaaanoda.
They do not bring anything not even a banana; they come marching but pakuzodyira murwere apa ndipo pane nyaya yese.
My mother is a very generous person but I do not know how to tell her not to offer things before she consults my wife. The other day she insisted kuti ipai vaenzi tea when we did not even have milk; my wife had to ask for this from our neighbour.
Handidi hupenyu hwakadai ini. My question is: ko ndotsika nemagariro zvekungouya musina chamakabata motarisira kudya kwakasimba?
How do I tell my mother without upsetting her, vane chiramwa vanga tofuma voti ndoenda kwangu. I love her to bits but I cannot continue like this. All I want is to see her get better. Please do not get me wrong I am just being truthful.
Of late my wife had to cut down on what she gives the kids to accommodate the influx of visitors. Mind you the visitors are quite many from baba’s side and from her side – even our friends and church members come.
Response
Thank you so much for being real and truthful, it takes a man and half to pour out. Most people would keep quiet and pretend to be happy. I presume after writing your letter you felt relieved. First let me say thank you so much for being there for your parents.
Some parents die or get worse because mhuri inenge yakamirira kuita kanzatu. I always say I am not a big fan of kanzatu because it comes with a lot of problems; some feel pushed and some taken advantage of etc. We have an adage which says kana wadenha mangwiro otochama; this is what you are going through.
As a people we have to learn to tell each other the truth in a subtle way.
It is not part of our culture kungoshanyira murwere kana vamwe pasina chawakabata aiwa. Even in the old days ambuya would come with a pumpkin, peanuts or just something when she visited. In fortunate or unfortunate times people bring a little something kuti zvinhu zviendeke.
What you are talking about is very true but it is a new phenomenon amongst our people, it is unAfrican kungofamba wakabereka maoko.
We always assist in cash or kind vasina chokupa vanopa hushandiri nerudo, for instance, kutandadza murwere, kuperekedza kuchipatara, kugeza nhumbi nekuchisa, zvekuita hazviperi. Do not stress yourself you can only do so much. When visitors come offer what you have, asking from neighbours can be both embarrassing and inconvenient.
There is nothing wrong kuti mbuya vatange vabvunza zviripo; the only trick is how you say it. Kutaura kwakanaka kune rukudzo kunorapa hasha nekutsamwa. Cutting down on expenditure here and there is very normal and I commend your wife for that.
I will also take advantage of your letter to encourage our readers to help each other in times of need. Kana mumwe wedu aine murwere ngatingonzwai mweya wekubatsira in whatever way we can. Hakuna rubatsiro rudiki, it adds up.
Once in a while if you can, take your parents to their rural home for a weekend vachiona musha wavo netunhu twavo, it speeds up the healing process.
Lastly, though heavy on the pocket it is a good sign when people come to visit your home, there are so many hidden blessings in that. Give what you have even water as long it comes from the heart. I wish amai a very speedy recovery. Keep well and continue the good work.
*****
Wife changing for the worst
My issue is about my wife. We have been married for 24 years and blessed with four children. I was gainfully employed until recently when I was retrenched. My wife is decently employed.
However, I used to get ten times my wife’s salary until December 2014. Currently I do consultancy work, which brings income more or less the same with my wife’s salary.
Mai Chisamba, families have problems here and there but I do not remember offending my wife for the past decade. Actually she is the administrator of finances and many other issues in the home because she is good at that.
This year I observed some changes in my wife which used to be very unusual of her. Firstly she started lying to me about allowances that are paid in cash at her work place. I am well-known due to the nature of my previous work. When I interact with some of her workmates they boast about their takings.
For example when they get in the field for a few days they get about US$350. To me she declares between US$30 and US$100. This happens a minimum of two times a month. Secondly my wife now exchanges very dirty WhatsApp messages with workmates and former school and college mates of the opposite sex. Just imagine. Sometimes she forwards such messages to me until recently when I told her I am not a candidate for that.
We are Christians and she holds a respectable position in the church Mai Chisamba. Zvinoitawo here izvi? Thirdly akabva aisa phone yake password but because I am in the ICT field I always access the phone contents without her knowledge.
Fourth my wife is now very particular about her pedicure and manicure and unChristian like clothing. I mean clothing that she used not to wear, minis, revealing and transparent. Note that I said starting this year.
At church she is exactly the opposite, anomhanya mhanya zvekuti vanhu vose vanoti paita zvamai veSvondo.
Lastly she spends a cumulative average of three to four hours a day on WhatsApp. I do not know how many app groups she administers, they are just too many. The only time she talks to me on WhatsApp is when I ask something or she wants to ask something. That is it.
As a result the whole of this year I have not seen her helping children with their homework. In fact, children now know that homework help is for dad and the maid.
Sometimes I remind her that a child is calling her while she is glued on WhatsApp. I do not want to be emotional about this issue as this is not progressive and may have disastrous effects. Please amai, tauraiwo neni panyaya iyi. Is this person still my wife? If yes, what is she communicating?
Response
Let me say makorokoto for the 24 years of marriage and for the beautiful kids. Marriage is like a garden, one is compelled to work it in different seasons until death separates the spouses. You asked a sad question, is she still my wife?
The answer is yes because she is not dead yet but has fallen by the wayside. There is a big crack that should be sealed and plastered as soon as possible because the whole house will fall.
I will go through your letter step by step. It is very unfortunate that I only get to chat with the writer because at this juncture I would have asked your wife what her reason for this round about turn is, what has triggered this?
If I go by your letter I would give you full marks because you sound like a rare breed, murume chaiye who really cares for his family and marriage. Your wife has made a complete right about turn in a very short space of time.
Was she waiting for a chance where tables would turn.
Lying about allowances is one of the worst things a spouse can ever do, it seems she has also lost her conscience in the process. That money is yours too because you are one. A Christian woman with proper values will never enjoy dirty WhatsApp messages. Saka kuchurch vari kumhanya mhanya vachiiteiko?
Who is fooling who?
This is why I say at times people go to church for wrong reasons and chijairira. Of course, no one is perfect we all try to please His Almighty. The long hours she spends on WhatsApp could be put to better use, mukati chimwe hachisiwo chibharanzi here?
Children are precious gifts from God but now she has no time for them and even for their homework, what a mother. The maid is there to assist, she does not fit in amai’s shoes, the kids still want their mummy to spend time with them. Why is she opting for a dirty kind of life revealing and transparent clothing?
Why has her lifestyle changed all of a sudden? Was she living a lie? For someone who has been married for 24 years it does not add up, there is a part missing in this jigsaw puzzle. The best is for you to get a professional counselor who will talk to both of you, all these questions will be answered and everything will fall into place.
Pamwe mai vari kurwara hurwere hunouya nenzira dzakasiyana siyana. As for you I just want to advise you never to access your wife’s or anyone’s phone without their permission, it is criminal and never sink that low.
There is no trust in your marriage that is why I suggest you both go through therapy. You need to be rescued before it is too late. Phone munopanana sekuwirirana kwenyu kwete kuita ambush.
Putting passwords on phones in your own home shame! What prisoners, why did you get married if you still wanted to enjoy the other world. Once more continue the good work. I wish you all the best.
***
Just confused
I am 28, married and blessed with a two-year-old son. My problems rest on my 24-year-old wife. Honestly, I love her to the core and I respect her for being my wife, my love and the mother of my kid.
But she has this problem of wanting to control everything. Anoda kuva iye murongi wezvese zvekuti chese chisina kubva nekwaari hachirevi chinhu. She does not suggest things but decides as if I am her wife.
To cut the story short, a week ago, ndakamudzora about the way she addresses me as her hubby. I told her kuti if what I expect and want from her is too much, she is free to pack and leave than kuti tigare tichinetsana daily over her arrogance and stubbornness.
To my surprise, she did not comment and just started packing her things and left without telling me kwaari kuenda. I called her later in the day and akanditi ari kwamainini and I asked kuti vapi zvikanzi hauvazivi.
She called my parents akavaudza kuti ndamudzinga. Yesterday she told me kuti tete vanditi come back home but usina mwana because akakuwana usina mwana.
Hanzi mwana ndirikunomusiya kumba kwemukoma wako. As I write Mai Chisamba, I am hurting and confused at the same time. Issue yekusada kudzorwa nekugadziriswa kwake started way back and takatombogara pasi nema sisters ake tichigadzirisana but it did not help. Please help.
I love my wife and son. Mai Chisamba, I come from a humble family of seven, I am the second born. Both my parents are alive. My wife inherera, her parents passed on when she was 11-years-old.
Sometimes ndinomboti akashaya akamuraira but then vana tete vese variko and her sisters as well. In terms of paying lobola, I did not pay anything to talk about. Honestly ndakanobvisa tsvakirai kuno and things went the other way mari dzikaramba kubatana up to now.
Could it be handina kuroora or what? Ndibatsireiwo. About eight months back takanetsana over a decision yekutenga household furniture akasvika pakututa twake because I had limited zvinhu zvaaida kuti ndimutengere.
She went to her sister’s place ndikamutevera ikoko. We talked over the issue nema sisters ake and the issue was resolved, but every now and then, pfungwa dzangu dzikangopesana nedzake in terms of planning we end up fighting because iye anoda kuti zvese zvibve kwaari. Help me.
Response
I think you both need therapy; it seems you do not know what marriage is about. It is different from that game kids play at crèche – jump in jump out.
Marriage is a lifetime commitment, it is about love and respect not about anogona kubhowa ndiani. You are still very young – this is the time your romance should be on fire, murikurasika papi?
You have a child and you are his immediate role models, please respect that. You are both fighting to take control, as you say. You are two partners blessed in your own ways. Why not put your efforts together and come up with a happy union?
You are a father and husband, she is a mother and wife, why fight for roles you know about? Marriage is about communication once you do this everything will fall into place. You indirectly sent her packing, now what’s the big deal.
Currently she is up and about with the baby, this is not good you should never create families you cannot take good care of. The truth is we are talking of marriage that does not exist.
Culturally if you did not pay rusambo, which is the bride price aiwa muri kungobika mapoto henyu maybe that is why you have no respect for each other.
You talk about buying household furniture – why furniture before lobola? Get your priorities right please. If you intend to spend your life together go back to the drawing board and stop these Mickey Mouse games.
Do what should be done to become an official couple first. At 28 and 24 matongwa kwese kuhama maita chino nechino. You both need to grow up, go through counseling first please.
Do not confuse the baby. My personal opinion is musamanikidzire zvinhu, take the steps suggested above and see how it goes otherwise it’s a waste of time. In a functional marriage; ideas, planning etc is a combined effort. Please keep me posted, I hope you will make up and get properly married kwete zvekuisa gejo pamberi imi muchida kurima.
