The Sunday Mail
My hubby, vamwene betrayed me
MAI CHISAMBA, thank you so much for this platform. I write this letter with a very broken heart. I am married and a mother of four.
I am a 33-year-old woman; I have worked hard and managed to own several grocery stores. My husband was very supportive of this, little did I know that he was going out with one of our employees. Their love blossomed into marriage, all this being done with the blessing of my mother-in-law. Akatobisirwa roora achirojerwa kuHighfield.
This girl got married to my husband in 2012. I only discovered this a few weeks ago. They now have a daughter, a toddler and a second child is on the way. I respected my amwene and did the best for her but vainditamba so, the worst is she named this child we small house after her, zvakoshei? When I asked my mother-in-law she was very rude and used abusive language. I do not know what I have done to deserve this treatment. It hurts to be double crossed with a former worker, a person who used to call me mama ivo vachinzi baba. I cry day and night and I cannot get peace. While I toiled the profit we made was being diverted for this girl’s welfare.
Our coffers are running dry now; my hubby can no longer afford the luxury so this girl is now staying at the family home with amwene. How can I visit such a home? How do I treat such a mother-in-law? As for my husband how do I go about this? How can I trust such a man? Ndibatsireiwo ndarwadziwa. Amai vari kurweiwo nhai?
Response
Thank you for reading my column. I feel your anger and I feel your pain. It hurts to be betrayed by people you love and trust. I will start with your mother-in-law, as a woman she should really be ashamed of herself. I am happy that prior to this incident your relationship was good. As a mother figure her major activity should be to guide and protect the family.
Mazuva ano nyika yave nemazino there are deadly diseases like HIV and AIDS, having more than one spouse is no longer advisable. If she genuinely loved her son this is what she should have thought of. Creating families that one cannot look after is both mean and cruel. Already he has failed to keep this girl under his care saka kuzomuendesa kumusha.
In Shona we have an adage which says makandikurumidzira akazvara mandinonoka. In most cases chinhu chose chinoitirwa kurwadzisa vamwe hachigare it crumbles like a deck of cards. I will repeat what I said in previous communications that when you do good you do it for God so do not worry about what you have done for amai. Mwari vanoziva.
Now let’s look at your husband, I agree he proved very untrue and is like a backstabber. Falling in love with a subordinate is unbecoming; this is done mostly by bosses who want to take advantage of their workers. It seems your husband wanted a second wife but still he did it the wrong way.
Proper barika is not done behind your wife’s back. It’s a thing she must also approve of, although, it is a very bitter pill to swallow. Stealing resources from a combined budget to go and have fun outside marriage is one of the worst things a man can do. Kupa zita raamai kumwana wavanyachide kurwisanisa kukuru. My advice is if you married under Chapter 5.11 you can use the law to nullify this union. You need also to rope in a professional counsellor who will speak to you and your husband. I advise you not to visit the home yet where your ex worker and amwene are staying because you do not sound ready. The counsellor will help you solve these problems and chart a way forward. Nyarara hako mudikani kunyange nzira yekure inosvitsa. Continue to work hard; you have children to look after and to guide.
My parents are
too demanding
How are you Mai Chisamba? I am a married man aged 32 years with two kids. I am a businessman. I have a big problem which needs your help. My parents are failing to understand that I now have my family because their demands are just too much, although, I try my best to help them.
Before I got married I tried to change the status of my family. I helped them to put my three young brothers and a sister to school. The sister is now a graduated nurse and the other two brothers completed their O-Levels and I put them to a mining school. One completed but has not yet found a job. The other one was expelled from college because of abuse of drugs and is now at home and my parents are always on my case saying find him something to do.
I got him a place at a teachers’ college but he refused to go. His problem was caused by my mother who refused to let me put him at a boarding school saying “rega mwana wangu aende kuchikoro kwaanoda” at a nearby local day school where he became a drug addict during his secondary school.
I had put him at a boarding school to ZJC level and after that he refused to go back lying that there was homosexuality at the school and my mother backed him. My problem now is my parents especially my father who is always demanding too much from me. He even goes to my wife’s workplace saying he sent me to school so I should provide everything for the family.
Mai Chisamba, before I got married I bought 12 head of cattle for my parents thinking maybe by the time I have my family they would be in a better position and will not put too much pressure on me. When my father calls me he will be always demanding something to be done for them but he does not consider that I now have my family. Everyday I give them money for bread and relish at their home. I noticed my wife is definitely disturbed by the demands, although she does not say anything about it. Ndodii nhai amai I am troubled?
Response
Thank you for reading my column and thank you for writing in. Firstly I want to say thank you so much for being there for your family? From your letter I can say you have been their Napoleon, you have done so much. I would also want to say you and your parents should have checked and taken up the issue of drugs and homosexuality when your brother complained about these things.
These are life threatening problems; see the effects, now he is a drop out. My advice is please let him go for therapy he needs it before you can think of getting him something to do. Never give up on him. It is never too late, he can even continue with his studies afterwards. Now about your parents vakurasika sei kudai?
Parents should know that when you bring up your children put them through school and do whatever you can for the betterment of their lives hachisi chikwereti. Each and every parent is duty bound to do the best for their kids. Parents who demand for things from their children are offside. It simply means they did not instill these values in them. Kana mwana aroora kana kuroorwa please give them some elbow space they will respect you more and even do more for you.
I am not saying they should not look back and assist but put into consideration that they have their homes and kids to fend for too. There is no need for your father to sink that low in reminding your wife that he sent you to school. If there are projects and things that need to be done I suggest you sit down together and pledge how you can best help hazviitwe kabisira.
I know it is very common for some parents to be always at their children’s doorsteps aiwa zvine nhongwa izvi munaona. There should be reciprocation between parents and children. My advice is talk to vana sekuru navana tete and sort this amicably, mukataurirana mega panozoita anoti ndakatukwa. You need each other you are family just iron this out. Pray for your family there is immense power in that. Vana koshesai vabereki, mukana unoshamisa kuitawo musha wako uine vabereki vapenyu love and respect them, and the same should apply to the parents. Always remember that it’s rude to demand, mugoti unopiwa anyerere.
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Vamwene controlling our home
Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. I enjoy reading your column, thank you so much.
I am happily married and am a mother of two. I have nothing against my mother-in-law but handifunge kuti dzakanyatsoti kwesere. She is interfering but I do not get the support and protection I need from my weak husband.
When it comes to his mother ibota zvaro remurume.
My mother-in-law is in the habit of giving me maids from their rural home. I can handle that alone, I like to interview and vet my maid before she starts work but ivo kungonzwa kuti handina vanobva vatouya naye and offer to train the maid on my behalf. I told her not to worry about this but she does not listen.
She brings people who are part of the extended family vanouya vakapfeka humainini or hutete, I just don’t want that. I think her reason for doing this is vanoda nyaya and kuda kuziva too much zvinoitika pamba pedu.
Last month she came when I had no maid and she quickly suggested that she would bring someone from kumusha but I sincerely said no thanks because I had already made my own arrangements. She would not have any of this. I told my husband to stop her but the answer we got was vana havadi kungogara nevatorwa. As I write you I have two maids and yet I only need one. Ndakaunza wangu and she brought hers against my wish, zviri zvega here izvi nhai? The problem now is I said I would never pay the one she brought because I never employed her.
She has since gone back to Rusape vakanyara kunomudzosera. I have told this girl not to do anything except eating and bathing because there is no payment for her. Amai is now phoning my husband about this issue but as I said he cannot tell his mother kuti hazviite anenge achingoti ho ho pa phone, he has no spine at all.
There is a lot of tension between me and my hubby, what do I do? Please do not tell me to keep the two maids, I cannot afford it. Why is my husband not lifting his finger? Ko amai masimba akadai vanoawanepi? I phoned my father-in-law and he said he does not want to be involved inozosara yave yavo. I am confused Mai Chisamba, you are my last hope please assist.
Response
I am very well thank you for asking and for writing in. Maiwe zvangu! What a circus! I think between you and your mother-in-law there is more than what meets the eye. I smell a rat; I think there are other issues under the carpet that you did not tell me about. Please forgive my assumption but I am forced to think that way.
First things first let’s talk about the maid from kumusha before I look at the rest of your letter. You may call your hubby bota haro but if the truth be told this is a dysfunctional family we need to put back on track. Why are the two men in both your lives so passive, here I am including father-in-law?
Please do not fight behind this innocent girl, you are abusing her indirectly iwe naamai. She is human she has emotions do not push her about, she is not a soccer ball. Please be human and take this girl back to her home but before that give her a token of appreciation for having come all the way haatonzwisisewo hondo dzenyu. Do not make it so hard for her, let her do something, the dishes or just a bit of tidying up. If she comes from a poor background aitotiwo zvangu zvazoita.
The other option is talk to the girl and her parents and see if they do not mind you getting her an alternative job. I tell you haamboshai vangamude muzvokwadi. Let her feel welcome it is tough being ignored, remember she is in a very unfamiliar environment maybe you are the only people she knows in Harare.
Please do not call your husband names like “bota” saka wakaridireiko? We all have our weakness, instead of capitalising on them lets work towards making things right. Your mother-in-law should not try to run your home because she will not succeed, instead she should only give guidance as a parent. She must appreciate that you are adults and you have your own ways of doing things. The two men in your lives should not be spectators during your fights; they should flex their muscle and assist positively.
Amai havana kana masimba amuri kutaura but you make her feel that way by not sitting down and have a mature family talk. To parents out there do not treat vana vakuru as kids, respect them and their spouses and they will do likewise. Calm down, do not waste your kissing time netuma fights. Last but not least pray for your families and relationships. I wish you all the best; this can be solved at family level if you all submit.
