The Sunday Mail
They are ungrateful
MAI CHISAMBA, thank you so much for your column. I come from a family of six, four brothers and two sisters. I am the last born and my sister is the first born.
I don’t really know why my sister did not do well at school; she is the only one asina chaakaita. The other five siblings are professionals and well up. My sister eloped and got married in Mutoko. She was blessed with two children, a son and a daughter, asi nhamo chaiyo pamusha pacho chitaurirwa.
I did everything I could to help my sister, her husband and children. My husband was and is still very supportive about assisting my sister’s family. I took her daughter in and stayed with her, paid fees for her until she finished her first degree. It was not easy but it came from my heart.
Nyaya yangu ndeye kuti this girl is getting married next month. I got the news from the grapevine and they are still to tell me. I asked one of my brothers about the issue and he confirmed but he was surprised since he thought my sister or her daughter had long told me.
All my brothers have agreed that I should be present when this girl gets married because I gave her life. Ivowo havasikundiudza because she says I ill-treated this girl when I took her in. They are saying I treated her more like a maid than anything else.
Mai Chisamba I had my domestic workers right through. This is really mean, to be treated like this by my sister. I blame the daughter more because she is the one who is fabricating stories. We struggled to make her the girl she is today.
Iye odada achiti aishandira fees. Mai Chisamba if my sister does not tell me this handiende, they can go ahead and do whatever. Tea chaiyo vakatoidzidziswa neni, I can’t be treated like this. My husband and family are equally upset. What does this mean? Should I ask her to pay back the fees I paid for the child? Ndihwo ukama here uhu? I now understand why in other families people don’t assist each other.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. First and foremost let me say thank you for being there for your sister and her family in their time of need, this is what relations are for. Always remember that when you do good you do it for God, that’s why it should always come from the heart. If you do it so that the world or the tribe sees you will regret because appreciation is a rare commodity from most beneficiaries.
It’s not a good thing to depend on the grapevine and react. This is a very dangerous source. Instead of being bitter you should be celebrating in your heart that you gave your niece a stepping stone. Your brothers have confirmed that this girl is going to be married so why don’t you check with your sister or with your niece. I know what your sister is doing is terrible but two wrongs will not make a right. Do not act like them, vaitire zvakanaka.
If they don’t want you to attend let them say it. You say the girl is now fabricating that she worked for fees? Why don’t you look at the flip side of that? Wakamupa mukana wekuti ashandire chikoro aine pekugara pakanaka, what’s wrong with that? Don’t sink to their level and start talking about petty things like tea and whatever you did for them. Asking this girl to pay back the fees is the worst thing you can ever do. Remember we are talking about family and blood relationship. Vakuru vanoti ukama haugezwe, hapana chinosanduka.
She will always be your sister. The things that you can change are attitudes. You all need to do a bit of growing up, you need each other. Don’t forget that you are just two sisters ndipo pese pauinapo, ivo vanoroodzawo mwana vakagara nani. Pakuroodza munhu anotokutwa nehama dzake. My advice is attend this ceremony, don’t wash your dirty linen in public.
Don’t let the would-be vakuwashas’ sense this, it’s not good for your family. Ukama is like a marriage, you really need to work on it otherwise zvinozongove handina basa naye. Be the bigger person and embrace them, don’t let cheap gossip tear you apart. It’s just unfortunate that the sister that you should all look up to is part of this nonsense. Please keep me posted.
Hama dzemukadzi dzanyanya
Mai Chisamba how are you? I enjoy reading your column so much and I have learnt a lot from other people’s problems.
My wife has a big problem. She enjoys seeing her relatives at our home. Pagore rese ndingatoverenga mazuva atinenge tiri tega as a family. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind having visitors from either side coming over but zvekuzoti pamba paite kunge palodge I think I have had enough.
I long for a situation whereby I come from work, change from my formal clothes into shorts and move about in my garden. I can hardly do this in most cases because my mother-in-law is almost a resident, one of our spare bedrooms yakutonzi mumba magogo.
My brothers and sisters-in-law take turns or just come in their numbers. I can’t even remember what our normal budget would be without these almost permanent visitors. We can’t save any money anymore, it’s now from hand to mouth.
Here and there we have people sleeping in the lounge kunge pane mutambo kana nhamo. I just don’t understand why. Last month my mother came but she couldn’t take it, I had to take her to Highfield kwemukoma wavo. My problem Mai Chisamba is my wife does not see this as an inconvenience, secondly she does not see that we have visitors mostly from her side and in most cases they overstay their welcome. I need time to be with my family.
This is a very sensitive issue, how do I handle this without a fight? Handizi kudzinga vanhu, all I am asking for is space, I am choked. If you come to my house you could think kuti ndipo pamba pavatezvara. Please assist.
Response
Thank you for reading my column, I am very well thank you. Yours is a very common problem but sensitive as you rightfully say. People have a few sayings derived from this type of observations e.g. kuguta sehama yemukadzi or kupinda mucomfort zone saamai vemukadzi. I understand what you mean and I hope your spouse will find this easy to accept.
In as much as you would want to have visitors in your home once in a while you need your privacy and your space. You need to sit down with your wife and iron out this problem. There is no need for people to fill up the bedrooms and then sleep in the lounge.
It seems they just come without an appointment, some of our people are just used to this but we need to move with times. This is 2015. The reason for an appointment is just to make sure that your hosts will be home and are prepared for your coming in terms of food and accommodation. As a couple make sure you balance this, it’s a good thing in marriage to have visitors coming from both sides.
When you have your discussion, also talk about your budget. Living from hand to mouth is not advisable if you can avoid it. You need to have something for the rainy days. The problem with most people is they would rather lie and pretend that all is well yet not.
They don’t want to be called names like vanodada, vanonyima and the rest of it. At times it’s only one spouse who stands his ground and opens up. The best is to stick together and say whatever needs to be said. Tauriraiwo gogo kuti munoshuvirawo kumbovashanyirawo kumusha. If people don’t learn to be true to themselves then these problems will always be present and it’s not good for families, societies the country and the world at large.
I know some will say some of these things are easier said than done but munosvikepi wanano dzisina mufaro, mhuri dzisina mufaro. As a couple you should not back-bite each other. The easiest way is to bite the bullet and tell them the truth, maomerwa nenyaya dzemari so kana vachiuya kuzongoshanya ngavataure kuitira kuti mumhanye-mhanyewo mutsvage chokubata but when there is an emergency then it’s understood. I wish you all the best. Please keep me posted.
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Vamwene abused my daughter
How are you Amai Chisamba? I hope I find you well. I want to thank you for your column it touches on every aspect of our everyday life. I am a married woman with four kids. My problem involves my mother-in-law.
To begin with she does not have a good relationship with my husband because she left him to be brought up by other people at an early age.
I tried to mend their relationship and for a while everything seemed to be running smooth. Little did I know she was saying nasty things behind my back. I was hurt but my husband did not take to heart her utterances. When she used to visit, she would take baths with my young daughter and it never bothered me. One day my daughter woke up at 5am and I tried to get her to go back to bed but she refused. Her temperature was very high.
I told my mother-in-law but she did nothing to assist and instead she opted to leave ndikatovaperekedza. Upon my return home her condition worsened and I took her to the hospital, only to be told by the doctor that she had been abused. He informed us to take her for counselling at a certain hospital. There she recited how gogo had removed her panties and inserted her fingers inside her.
Mai Chisamba I need help with this one. How best do I deal with this issue? Amai havana kuzombodzoka kumba kwangu kubva musi uyu. Must I go visit her? If she comes to my house what must I say?
How can I bring it up? I have in my possession clinical records that she was abused. Kuti vasungwe ndimai vemurume ndoita sei? I continue hurting as my daughter’s health continues to deteriorate. Please help me.
Response
Thank you for reading my column and for writing in. I felt very sad when I read your letter. Coming across anything that affects children negatively is a cause for concern. It’s very sad when the perpetrator is someone who should protect the child, her grandmother of all the people that’s wicked.
You had played your part well as a unifier between your mother-in-law and her son when they had problems. She should be ashamed of herself and she must be brought to book. This is sexual abuse at its worst. My advice to you and to our readers is please note that children are very vulnerable hazvina kunaka kungorarisa vana kana kurega vachingogezeswa nehama.
Most of these perpetrators are people who are trusted and known, they may be friends or relatives. Sexual abuse can affect the child for life if she does not get any therapy, please parents and guardians encourage children to open up when something like this happens to them. You say hazviite kusungisa amwene.
Ava ibhinya havasi mbuya, the law must take its course, who knows maybe she is on a sexual abuse spree. I don’t understand why you want such a person to be protected. You should stand together with your husband, maybe he knew better when he did not want anything to do with his mother. I have communicated with an organisation that deals with children and we are already working on this behind scenes.
Please comply with the hospital and make sure whatever should be done in terms of medication is done. My final plea is please report such issues, use your Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba platform, ndidzo nyaya dziri kuparadza dzimba. Once more thank you for your bravery, we will keep in touch and no stone will be left unturned. It is my hope that you will go through this together with your husband as parents of this child.
