MUDZIMBA with Mai Chisamba: Fight over traditional rituals

24 May, 2015 - 00:05 0 Views
MUDZIMBA with Mai Chisamba: Fight over  traditional rituals MUDZIMBA with Mai Chisamba

The Sunday Mail

Fight over traditional rituals

i follow your column and I have learnt a lot. I love my husband and he loves me too. We have been blessed with three beautiful daughters.

We both go to church, I mean mainline churches.

My problem is my husband’s family is still tied to a lot of traditional rituals and beliefs, although, they claim to be devout Christians, amwene vanotove mai vebhachi ku church kwavo.

As a result of this there is a lot of the blame game within the family. Kunobikwa doro rekabisira (private) and so many other things. I am always threatened that misfortunes will befall my children because I don’t take part in these things. The reason why I have written you that is a few weeks ago we went to my husband’s rural home. There was yet another ritual, after this, each family was given some meat from mombe yakateurirwa yechirango.

I didn’t say anything when my husband put his share in our car. I made a vow that I and my children would never eat that meat, so tikabika tongopakurira baba chete ini nevana tosarudza umwe usavi.

Mai Chisamba, I have never seen my husband so cross, akapenga and wanted to know why. It’s against my religion and my family’s beliefs, I just won’t eat it.

I told my friend about this and she advised me to throw away this meat and replace it with meat from the supermarket so that angofare when he sees us eating together.

Mai Chisambai, I am scared to throw away this meat in case something happens to me and my kids. Please help what should I do? My husband is now saying I am looking down upon his family, ndiri kuzvipa class yepamusoro yandisina. He even phoned my ambuya mukadzi wehanzvadzi ya amai, we are yet to go and see her.

I really don’t understand the meaning of all this, is this not the devil at work? Please help me.

Response

Thank you for reading my column and as I always say – it is very refreshing to hear about marriages that are happy and intact.

Congratulations try and maintain this. The problem is we have many people who still don’t understand what the Christian religion means and stands for. This religion is like a marriage, once you get into it you forget about all other rituals that have nothing to do with it. Your husband’s family should not mix these two; they have to decide to follow one.

I will repeat what I said last week: there is freedom of worship in Zimbabwe; no one should be forced into believing in what they don’t want to if they are majors.

For the benefit of some of our readers mombe yakadirwa imombe inenge yakapiwa basa rekuti imire semhunhu kuchengeta mhuri nemusha, pamwe vanenge vari sekuru, iyo inotopiwawo zita remufi.

This beast is treated with great respect just like the true grandfather. When time comes for the beast to be slaughtered certain rituals are done before people can consume the meat, so this is the point at issue.

I personally think your husband is overreacting. He must understand that this is not a Christian ritual and you don’t want to be dragged into this.

Such rituals are very confusing; today this bull is sekuru, tomorrow it’s relish for a meal, ko ivo sekuru vanodyiwa here?

I suggest you calm down first and persuade your husband to talk to your priest or pastor about this. I think he is the best person for this.

As far as I know, Christians havapire mudzimu kana kubika doro rekabisira. Who is fooling who? God sees everything. Why should your husband force the rest of the family to eat this meat?

Secondly I don’t agree with your friend’s suggestion of throwing this meat away and replacing it, that’s dishonesty. You should always be true to yourself that’s why we all have a conscience.

Issues are talked over. If you don’t correct this now it will always haunt your marriage. I hope your reason for not giving your children this meat is protection. Never do anything behind your spouse.

As a Christian you should not be moved by empty threats, God is the owner of the universe. You are always protected.

 

Selfish friend is too demanding

Mai Chisamba, I enjoy reading your column, please keep up the good work. I am a 35-year-old lady, married and have been blessed with two kids. I have a female childhood friend.

We went to the same school and have been together for over two decades. The reason why I have decided to write you is because this friend anobhowa, we only managed to get this far because I always played second fiddle and she loves it.

Now I have come to a point of saying enough is enough. She expects me to do things that she can never do for me, she takes me for granted. She has the freedom of taking whatever she wants from my house from any given time but if I do likewise, she complains. She leaves her child with my maid and even gives her instructions without consulting me first but I don’t complain.

She is such an attention-seeker, I think she has pushed me to the limit. I can’t carry on like this, hushamwari huri one-sided. I have been thinking about this, zvirikundirwadza. If I do anything without her knowledge she complains but she does a lot behind my back. Now she has gone a step further, if I tell her that I can’t attend to her needs because I am doing something with my family anototsamwa mufunge.

We are not talking as I write to you because she wanted my maid to go and help at her house as she was expecting visitors. She has a maid but she said she is dozy and slow.

Please help, I am fed up and it is very difficult now because we go to the same church.

Response

Why did you allow your friend to do this to you for more than two decades? This sounds more like a horse and rider relationship.

Friends are attached to one another by affection and/or esteem. I don’t see any of these qualities in your friendship. It’s a one-sided affair as you rightfully say. Why didn’t you correct this?

It’s commendable to keep friends but only if they add value to your life. This friend is taking advantage of you and stressing you up half the time. How can you hang on to a friend who does not respect your family?

Mind you, maids are human too and have rights kwete kuti nhasi vari uko mangwana uko. When you make these arrangements let them be involved because the friendship is between the two of you only.

Talk to your friend and make sure you really speak your mind. Advise her to train her maid or send her to some small courses depending on what she wants to achieve. When she takes offence and sulks because she can’t get her way ibvai mamutsiura. She must always consult you before she gives instructions to your maid. This just shows respect. Friends are at par, no one has an upper hand. You sound so low, it’s all because you let this accumulate over the years and now it is bursting.

In Shona we have a saying “hukama haugezwe” because this is blood but with friends the good thing is you can choose who you want to be with at any point and time. You talked about the church, asi ikoko wani ndiko kune dzidziso yekuti itira vamwe zvaunoda kuitirwawo iwe. How is your friend missing this point?

For now, leave her until she makes an effort to contact you. It’s good to speak when you are both calm. I hope this can be worked out amicably.

***

Can’t I get married on zero deposit?

Please don’t disclose my ID because people will start to judge me. Mine is a question that may sound very unfamiliar but I know 99 percent of young ladies are dying to ask and get a fair answer.

Mai Chisamba, do you know that our culture is very prohibitive in some cases? The girl child akatoomerwa. Why does our culture look down upon a girl who tells a guy kuti ndinokuda? Even an enlightened guy will think otherwise if it comes from a girl.

There is a guy I love so much but I can’t tell him just because hazviite. For girls, no matter how educated you are, even a herd boy can say I love you. Some ladies have been in very long relationships; the problem is their men have no money for lobola and the girl cannot do anything about it. Why are our fathers so hard-hearted? Ivo vakapfeka suit ye zero deposit, why not let her go on zero deposit and the husband pays monthly instalments.

Mai Chisamba, deep down in my heart I am madly in love with this guy but he doesn’t know. We work together; his office is directly opposite mine. When he is in I don’t close my door, chando chinondifuridza hacho chero ndamuona. Please help anozotorwa nevamwe kani.

Response

Thank you for your million dollar question. As usual the identity of all our writers is protected.

This is a big issue/concern you have brought up. I know people will react to this differently, maybe I should take it up as a topic on one of my shows on television inyatsobvuraudzwa.

Culture is dynamic; the world is like a global village now. Once upon a time women were restricted to the kitchen but now things have changed. Gender equality means females and males are in the same category as long as they have the knowhow.

Yes, in our culture most women wait for men to propose but here and there some women have crossed this line. I don’t know the reason why but personally it goes back to the issue of who pays lobola, that’s why men have an upper hand. If you really love this guy why don’t you befriend him first maybe anozoita mamwe maonero. Do some research about him, get to know him, what he is interested in and capitalise on that. Who knows, maybe he is interested in you too but arikutotadza kukanda shoko.

It’s very unfortunate that people have commercialised lobola, originally it was just a token of appreciation. I agree people end up in long relationships and break up before they tie the knot due to lack of funds. We cannot talk about lobola conclusively because this depends on families and tribes. It’s hard to regulate so the issue of “zero deposit” is tricky.

Culturally the moment you go on “zero deposit” the family cries foul, ndiko kunonzi kubika mapoto. Lobola is a sign of respect to the in-laws and spouse but people should remain within limits.

Asking for cars, cell phones and designer suits is unAfrican – my plea is for parents to be considerate. We should always be guided by what we believe in.

“Kuzvara kwemumwe kuzvara kwakowo”, vana vanoroorana imhuri dzedu tese. I would be happy to hear from you again especially about the guy opposite your office, wazomuda wena. I wish you all the best.

Write to [email protected] or WhatsApp 0771415747

Share This:

Survey


We value your opinion! Take a moment to complete our survey

This will close in 20 seconds