The Sunday Mail
My mum is still attached to my ex
MAI CHISAMBA, thank you so much for your column, I really enjoy it.
Mine is a difficult problem because it’s being caused by my mother. I had a childhood sweetheart for many years and both our families thought it was a done deal.
Pakatoita kaukama isu tisati taroorana. I loved and respected this girl, but she broke my heart. I caught her red-handed having sex with my best friend. I moved on and married a different girl, but my mother will not accept her. She says her heart is with the previous girl.
I was open with my family kuti musikana uyu akandirwadzisa and this further divided even my siblings. My father and brothers are happy that I moved on, but amai and my sisters say I should have forgiven her. The way they ignore my wife and child hurts me. I had to explain to my wife where this was coming from. The other thing that pains me most is that they still communicate with my ex. They even let her visit our place. My mother hardly comes to my place, instead vanouya kubasa. Nemudzimai wangu kazhinji kutosangana mumichato nemundufu.
Mai Chisamba, what do you make of this? How can I marry a girl who betrayed me like that, worse with my best friend? How can I trust such a partner? Hama dzangu dzirikufadzwa nei apa?
Please, how do I solve this because I now feel kuti amai and my sisters ngavagare zvavo I can do without them. They must not treat my wife like hogwash, she is innocent. I know their weakness is vanoda kupihwa tunhu too much and that’s what my ex is doing. My mind is made up, I will never look back they are wasting their time ngavamutsvagire umwe murume kwete inini.
Response
Thank you for reading my column. First and foremost let me salute you for being a principled man. Yes, in life one makes decisions, but there should always be reasons why. I respect you for having moved on and closing the former chapter. Indeed it hurts to be betrayed by people who are close to your heart and by those who should stand by your side through thick and thin. This is supposed to be your inner circle and losing them can be very difficult. I feel for you but you need to calm down; you are still very emotional about the whole issue.
Family is family hatidi kusvika pekuti I can do without them, let’s try and make things right. What amai naana sisi are doing is not constructive at all; they should respect your wife and marriage. They should set free your ex; she should look for new love and fly away because she is wasting her time and resources. Vanhu vari kufarira ex havashandure mamiriro enyaya, she must wake up and smell the coffee. If the truth be told hundyire chete, they know nothing will change. I suggest you have an immediate family meeting with your parents and siblings, tell them once more about your stance and how this is affecting you and your new family. Ivowo ngavataure kuti sei vasara shure. I assume your sisters are married, would they want such a situation in their marriages, kana ivo mai vangade kuitirwa mashura akadai nehama dzababa here?
If need be you can go a gear up and involve vana sekuru naana maiguru vekwa mai kuitira kuti vasazoti ndakagadzwa dare ndikatukwa. In the meantime continue to love your wife and child for this is your life.
Nyaya dzinogadziriswa, hama hadzirambwe, dzakaita semushonga, dzine zuva radzo radzinokosha muupenyu.
I wish you all the best.
Is this a marriage
or boxing ring?
Mai Chisamba, thank you so much for this platform, I enjoy it and have learnt a lot from this column.
My problem is my husband’s temper and violent nature. He is a very respected somebody both at church and in the community, but behind the scenes he is worse than a rascal. The truth is riches are worth nothing if there is no happiness in the home. In most cases we go without supper not because there is nothing to eat but because of fights, I mean physical fights, zvibhakera chaizvo. Ndanzwa nekurohwa nekushushwa. I drive a beautiful car, I have a beautiful house and my children have more than enough, but baba vane chiwoko chegudo. In my house hapana chisingarovese, even silly little things. The children are always in fear because vanorohwa futi. What pains me most is the picture he paints about us and our happiness at church.
As soon as we get into the church yard he becomes normal, he even carries my books. Deep down I wish we could pitch a tent and stay in the church yard. I told my mother about this, but she couldn’t believe it until I showed her some of the scars. She is the one who encouraged me to write to you. I want my children to respect him as their father, but just last week they had to join in the fight to restrain him because he had pinned me down achindirova.
Mai Chisamba, I don’t mean to expose him, but I’m desperate for help and vana vangu please, how best can this be done? Please hide my ID, ingatotanga hondo.
Response
Thank you for reading my column. Gone are the days when people suffered in silence, open up and speak to someone and get assisted. Who are you referring to him as a respected somebody? People do so because they don’t know the truth. Your husband is living a lie.
If you follow the media you will know what has been happening lately, spouses killing one another. My advice is use the law to protect yourself. Go to court and seek protection immediately, do not procrastinate. Your husband has a terrible combination of anger and violence, this is deadly. You should get this sorted out as you can see that children are being dragged into this mess.
Remember they are tomorrow’s future and parents too. In your letter you say your husband respects the church, why don’t you take advantage of that and rope in your pastor? He can call both of you moenda munotaura nhunha dzenyu ikoko kuchurch privately. After the court and church I suggest you seek professional counselling. I know it’s not very common in our culture, but it’s very effective.
People should communicate properly because they are different from animals that resort to fighting because they don’t talk. The law of the land is against these vices. As you seek to normalise the situation at your home don’t forget that the kids will need therapy as well for they have gone through a lot. There are several organisations that stand for children’s rights and their wellbeing. Enough is enough, you are not a punching bag, this should come to an end.
My marriage is empty
Mai Chisamba, thank you so much for your column, it’s very helpful. I am 37 and married, my wife is now 35. We have been married for 10 years, but up to now hatina mwana.
I have been kumachurch emweya, maporofita and even kun’anga chaiko, but nothing has materialised. I have had some extramarital affairs out of frustration and have two sons and one daughter with three different women. My wife knows about these kids, anongoti ndingadini ini ndisina mwana. She even suggests that we take the kids and stay with them. I am happy that at least I have these children, but my problem is ndodawo mwana wemumarriage yangu.
I will do whatever it takes to have this. Vana vangu ava havavhunzwe, vakafanana neni zvekuti. My wife is loyal and loving and I don’t want to take another wife just because she has failed to give me children.
The pressure from my family is mounting especially from my parents kuti ndidzinge mudzimai. The last time we went home kunyaradzo I found my wife crying alone behind the kitchen achiti anzwa nasahwira kuti her nickname is mai vaMargarine because anodya nekunwa tea, chabuda hapana. Mai Chisamba, please help, I am now confused. Ko zvebarika hazvizi better option here? But my sixth sense tells me that I should keep my wife.
Response
Thank you for reading my column and thank you for having a good sixth sense, I respect you for that. You tell me you have three kids outside your marriage with three different women, what a cheat, ndochii ichocho? My sixth sense also tells me that the kids you boast about may not be yours, please don’t take offence, I mean well.
I advise you take the kids for DNA tests and then brag about them afterwards, vakawanda vari kudada nevana vasiri vavo. You talked about kufanana, that doesn’t mean anything. Makudo akawanda akafanana, asi ane vabereki vakasiyana, this is just an example.
You talked about church dzemweya, maporofita nen’anga, where is the hospital here? The place that you did not go to (hospital) in your bid to have a child is the best because it will give you scientific evidence. Munorapwa if need be moudzwa zvikonzero imi nemukadzi wenyu. It’s not a one-sided affair. Handishore zvamunodaira asi kwamakatanga nako in most cases ifembera fembera.
My plea is please consider going to a clinic or hospital then we start from there. You are pushing your wife against the wall, she has no choice except to say bring the kids home. With the current technology it’s foolish for a man kungonzi baba vangana before having the children tested.
For interest’s sake, out of these three women, hapana akaitawo two kids nemi, why? Food for thought. You say your wife is both loyal and loving, why punish such a woman? This is what marriage is all about, it’s not about children. Vana are special gifts from God, munopihwa nenguva yakakodzera.
Yes, because of the pressure 10 years might seem to be a very long time, but believe you me some couples had their kids after a decade or more. You should discourage your family or even the sahwira from calling your wife names, that’s very mean.
That’s what a dysfunctional family does. My advice is keep your wife, love and protect her. Please seek medical advice, that’s the best. Don’t cheat on your wife at all; it’s cruel to create families that you cannot really take care of. Munhu munhu anoremekedzeka akasiyana nebhuru rekanzuru rinoita mhuru kwese kwese.
